Thursday, March 30, 2006

It's that time of year again...

Time for FHM's international readers to weigh in, time for me and Jen and KS and even MuffinMan if he can ever be bothered to update to rejoice or attack. Women on my faves list in bold and italics, women who aren't entirely there but who I wouldn't rule out a hot and sweaty night with merely in bold, the rest in italics.

1. Scarlett Johansson.While watching The Island, it occurred to me that Scarlett's face had quite a collection of spots on it. But The One With The Tits (TM & Copyright © MMV Jennifer Orangio) is at least not as objectionable an Alba-robber as...
2. Angelina Jolie. The whole Brangelina thing, the tendency to look like a radioactive hooker, the tattoos, the inability to get through a day on E! without seeing either her or Paris Hilton, the True Lies-meets-War of the Roses-without-being-nearly-as-good-as-either that was Mr. & Mrs. Smith... Please fuck right off. NOW.
3. Jessica Alba. Though a huge improvement on her placing last year, she's still two places lower than either she or Cindy Crawford should be. On the upside, given her recent statements she probably isn't too sorry about her final position, and she's very deserving of being in the higher altitudes anyway.
4. Jessica Simpson. If nothing else, at least it's revenge for UK FHM readers giving the ex-Mrs. Lachey's bottom an award over the future Mrs. Warren's.
5. Keira Knightley. Like the Oscar-winning star of Mr. & Mrs. Smith and Lara Croft: Tomb Raider - The Cradle of Life, E!'s blanket coverage of her - in this case at the Oscars (and British coverage of her in general) put me off her. Though the same can't be said for MuffinMan.
6. Halle Berry. It's okay, she's forgiven for Catwoman and for her lameness as Storm.
7. Jenny McCarthy. No.
8. Maria Sharapova. She apparently didn't want to go the whole skin-baring route, and yet like Steffi Graf, Anna Kournikova and the Williams sisters there she is in Sports Illustrated. Is this a problem? No.
9. Carmen Electra. It doesn't say much for Cheaper By The Dozen 2 - or anything - that she was the best thing about it. At least she's harmless, though never one of my favourites.
10. Teri Hatcher. AAAAGGGHH!!!! My eyes are bleeding!
11. Paris Hilton. I could actually be tempted to have a three-way with her and her sister, but it's the idea of her mum joining in that relegates her to the italic section. That and her presenting a Red Carpet show about the Brits.
12. Jennifer Garner. And just in time for the final season of Alias on Bravo. Rachel Nichols and Elodie Bouchez, even when non-pregnant, aren't as fine as Jen.
13. Eva Longoria. Who, I understand, lives not very far from #3, #4 and the woman at #44. Their meetings would surely be more fun than the current season of Desperate Housewives.
14. Lindsay Lohan. As long as she never makes any more records. And gets the curves back.
15. Charlize Theron. Thus satisfying MuffinMan. Until he realises she came below Paris Hilton.
16. Jessica Biel. Why is the second-hottest Jessica ranked the lowest? It wasn't her fault that Stealth was a bomb.
17. Jaime Pressly. Note to Nadine Velazquez - someone's stolen your spot.
18. Beyonce Knowles. Yep, I still like what I see.
19. Katharine Heigl. At the time of writing, Five's promos for Grey's Anatomy include Ellen Pompeo and Sandra Oh. But not her. As if being scheduled directly after House isn't bad enough for this show's chances.
20. Shakira. If I stop to think about Shakira in action I'll never get anything done, so...
21. Vida Guerra. The Lucy Pinder of America, if Lucy was known for her bottom rather than her chest. And if Lucy was from Cuba. And if Lucy didn't mind showing just about all of her buns. Constantly.
22. Alyssa Milano. Would probably be in bold and italics if she didn't have to work with Rose McGowan and Holly Marie Combs... neither of whom are here. Sorry, K.
23. Cameron Diaz. If she ever leaves the list, it'll collapse.
24. Pamela Anderson. Stacked has just started in the UK. Should I give it a look like VIP, or not?
25. Beth Ostrosky. Blame the Stern fans.
26. Jennifer Lopez. Appropriately, below Garner.
27. Adriana Lima. Much liked by Victoria's Secret fans. Not really by me.
28. Mariah Carey. Another of my favourites, and riding high again. Always a pleasure.
29. Anna Benson. Apparently the Colleen McLoughlin of America (i.e. a baseball player's - as opposed to a soccer player's - wife).
30. Shania Twain. Bye.
31. Mandy Moore. Er, no.
32. Mischa Barton. Incidentally, Rachel Bilson is not here. Thus ending the Archivist's interest.
33. Jenna Jameson. Go away, and take your insinuations about Cindy with you.
34. Reese Witherspoon. Is this a joke?
35. Natalie Gulbis. The Anna Kournikova of golf... or should that be the Maria Sharapova?
36. Salma Hayek. Well, yes, obviously.
37. Christina Aguilera. I don't care how much lighter she is, how much less embarrassing her husband may be, or how many Grammys she has, Christina will always be a Tabitha to Britney's Bewitched.
38. Erica Durance. Earns the bold because of potential outside of Smallville (I still don't watch it).
39. Victoria Silvstedt. No, no, no, no, no, no, NO!
40. Gwen Stefani. Oh, that's better...
41. Heidi Klum. Can take pride that she hosted a more successful version of Project Runway than Elizabeth Hurley.
42. Danica Patrick. Racing driver. I guess it's about time the straight/bi guys had one to fancy.
43. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Say what you like about Ghost Whisperer, but do you see Patricia Arquette anywhere here?
44. Eva Mendes. Still haven't forgiven her for the Revlon thing...
45. Jennifer Aniston. Better her than that cunt Jolie.
46. Kristin Kreuk. See Victoria Silvstedt.
47. Leeann Tweeden. Nice.
48. Faith Hill. Okay, I guess.
49. Kristin Chenoweth. Cute, but would she be here if she hadn't done FHM?
50. Kelly Clarkson. The behind, the voice, the only positive thing to come out of reality TV...
51. Rachel McAdams. Can definitely act, but not as cute as Isla Fisher.
52. Estella Warren. Never quite equalled the days of Planet of the Apes, but it's nice to see she's still around.
53. Brooke Burke. As if Burger King wasn't delicious enough already.
54. Elisha Cuthbert. Sadly, I don't actually miss her in 24 that much.
55. Gretchen Bleiler. A power surfer, apparently.
56. Alessandra Ambrosio. And that, at least, means that the Bilson Archivist can relax a bit.
57. Tera Patrick. Two porn stars (or three, if you count Paris Hilton) in this lineup? What's the world coming to? :)
58. Hilary Duff. Yes, dammit, even as she is now.
59. Uma Thurman. I could be persuaded to upgrade her.
60. Landi Swanepoel. The South African in this lineup not called Charlize Theron.
61. Natalie Portman. Sadly not.
62. Morgan Webb. Don't know, don't care.
63. Sienna Miller. Do know, still don't care.
64. Lauren Harris. Miss FHM, it says here.
65. Alicia Keys. Can I swap her for Rihanna, Ashanti or The Pussycat Dolls (yes, all of them)?
66. Kate Hudson. Is this dry spell ever going to end? Cute ass, though.
67. Mayra Veronica. Excuse me?
68. Megan Fox. The older daughter on Hope & Faith. Not too bad, though nothing to make me tune in regularly.
69. Kate Bosworth. Next!
70. Kristanna Loken. Swings both ways, but so does Laurel Holloman from The L Word. Laurel is a much better actress, and more fanciable pregnant (as demonstrated on said show) than Kristanna is non-pregnant. And she does more extensive nudity.
71. Rachael Ray. This US TV cook has only been seen by me on Entertainment Tonight, but she looks delicious enough to deserve bold.
72. Penelope Cruz. Thank goodness she escaped Cruise.
73. Evangeline Lilly. Unlike Jennifer Garner, Evangeline isn't actually the prime hottie on her particular J.J. Abrams show - where's Emilie de Ravin? Where's Maggie Grace?... Oh.
74. Amy Smart. I want another moment like in Road Trip, Amy. And I want it NOW.
75. Elizabeth Hurley. Hosted a less successful version of Project Catwalk than Heidi Klum.
76. Petra Nemcova. For surviving that tsunami, for recovering from her injuries, and for shots like this.
77. Ashley Judd. A favourite of both TRL and B.D. from Doonesbury. Both have good taste.
78. Kate Beckinsale. Even if she did make Van Helsing.
79. Lucy Liu. "Silly little girl..."
80. Malin Akerman. From Lisa Kudrow's HBO sitcom The Comeback, which was an even bigger non-success than Joey. Ouch.

81. Kelly Ripa. Morning show host and star of her own sitcom. Top that, Carol Vorderman.
82. Catherine Zeta Jones. No.
83. Gisele Bundchen. See above.
84. Amanda Righetti. Shame about The O.C. and North Shore. And Reunion...
85. Anne Hathaway. Not sure.
86. Ziyi Zhang. Definitely sure...
87. Amanda Peet. So underrated.
88. Fergie. The definition of the word "butterface."
89. Denise Richards. See Victoria Silvstedt.
90. Katie Holmes. Now sadly defiled for many, but still cute, so I'll bold her..
91. Sarah Burke. A skiier, apparently.
92. Amanda Beard. Some would say not the only Beard on this list, though not me. :)
93. Linda Cardellini. Finally Velma has upstaged Daphne.
94. Sarah Michelle Gellar. Like I said. How the mightly have fallen (Sarah is the lowest ranking former #1 still on the 100).
95. Olivia Wilde. Give me Shannon Lucio, thanks.
96. Ana Beatriz Barros. Not a patch on Ana Hickman, methinks.
97. Vanessa Marcil. No offence to Molly Sims and Nikki Cox (as opposed to Marsha Thomason), but if they could only have one person from Las Vegas here, at least they picked the right one.
98. Heather Graham. I could go for her, and anyway it's the least I can do after Emily's Reasons Why Not.
99. Naomi Watts. Somehow, not quite...
100. Josie Maran. See Kate Beckinsale.

Well, at least the Olsen Twins aren't there... I predict the UK list will be even worse. Stay tuned.

2 comments:

The Archivist said...

Last year, you told us which list was which. Which list is this one?

No Rachel? Fuck the listmakers.

Alessandra? Good, good.

Still, impressive choices with the rest of the ladies. Johansson, Alba, Garner... eh, see my blog in the next couple of days once I see which list this is for my judgement.

Cindylover1969 said...

The US one.