Monday, March 27, 2006

If I can just follow up on the big sister thing...

...spending some time living with Sharon will almost certainly spur me on to get out of there.
Don't misunderstand me, I love her and I'm grateful for all her help; I'm also very relieved that the new guy in her life seems to lack the qualities that made The BBC such an asshole. It's just that I never feel very comfortable talking to her.
Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm there for her to have someone to rant to - about her "friends," about her car, about the travails in her life - and it's never easy for me to just chat about stuff with her. Partly because she is, by her own admission at least once, a bit dull; and partly because I owe her so much that I just can't let my shields down. The thing is, I want to tell her some things... to actually get critical. Tell her that no, I don't particularly care for her taste in music; that if she doesn't like my choice of viewing that's her problem not mine; that she really could stand to consult a listings guide at least once; that she could stand to be more direct and less discreetly critical the way Zeta is, or the way Jen is. I can take that far more than the hidden snideness approach.
The trouble is, I get the feeling that Sharon is not so good at taking it as she is at dishing it out, and since I've had so much support from her I can't bring myself to air any complaints about her. It's not like I'm such a prize myself, anyway - at least she isn't vicious or cruel.
But she is a nag. She only does it for my own good, mind. But I just wish I could genuinely like her as well as love her. I wish I could have someone who I could talk to about my favourite shows (yes, mine not hers) or the music from Lost or whatever without feeling she was only doing it to be polite and didn't really care. Hell, I know most of you don't, but you don't pretend to. And I like that.
And I wish I could relax enough to get openly gushy with Shaz (it is no fun seeing her openly confessing to fancying the likes of Isaiah Washington, for instance, while... look, let's just say it's much easier for me to watch the likes of Charmed now that I'm living by myself). But it's never going to happen; she's my big sister, she's motherly, she's considerate and she's caring, but she's never going to be a friend.
And yet, I'm still glad I never had a brother. (I do have a half-brother, but he doesn't count and never will.) I might have to live with him.

1 comment:

The Archivist said...

Strangely enough, I know what you mean. Your sister sounds like quite a few people I used to know in high school. After things improved for me, there were still some who weren't really interested.

For me it got to a point where I just avoided those people and went with those who were genuine. And everything went fine.