Saturday, April 29, 2006

It's Saturday, it's 10:39, it's time for the update...

Cindy: The ntl guy just came and took away the set-top box. I'm free of those incompetent tossers at last! Cue Martin Luther King impression...
Vanessa: Marooned here until the washing is done, alas.
Cindy: Bank Holiday weekend, and no rain in sight.
Vanessa: Way too many visits to the bathroom. I won't elaborate.
Cindy: Coming close to completion of Part III of my current story; at least I've managed to tie off this part's storyline and start sorting out Part IV.
Vanessa: Seeing Hilary Duff next to
Holly Willoughby. Hilary's still cute, but the juxtaposition does her no favours. At all.
Cindy: I aim to be out of Sharon's place by May-end, with enough money saved up for that by then. Shaz suggested I wait until she returns to intensify searching, as she has more house-hunting experience.
Vanessa: Abbey National strikes again. I hate deductions.
Cindy: Jessica Alba
giving her admirers a birthday present.
Vanessa: Tom Cruise. Listen, Mr. Freaky So-Called Religion Savager Of Classic TV Control Freak - she will always be Katie Holmes to me.
Cindy: MuffinMan lives!
Vanessa: He still doesn't update...

Friday, April 28, 2006

Only in America. And Britain.

Reuters via

A new television reality show invites porn stars to test their serious acting abilities in London's theater district, raising the question: Debbie can do Dallas, but can she take on Chekhov's The Cherry Orchard?
My Bare Lady will cast four leading ladies from U.S. porn studios in a classic piece of drama to be performed in London's West End. Their experiences undergoing a crash course in acting and appearing before a discerning British audience will air in three episodes on the Fox Reality cable and satellite channels this fall.
"It's a wonderful tale of redemption," said David Lyle, general manager of Fox Reality. "Do they want lines that are a little more challenging than 'Oh, here's the pool guy ...'?"
Debbie Does Dallas was a 1978 porn film about the misadventures of a young woman who becomes a cheerleader for a Texas football team.
The show's concept is rooted in the bankable plot conflict of many television "reality" shows: taking people out of their accustomed element to see how they fare.
"If they can move a London theater audience to applaud, they have done pretty well," Lyle said.
The show will be co-produced with the UK's Zig Zag Productions. Fox Reality is a division of Rupert Murdoch's News Corp.

Will there be a redo with British porn stars on Broadway any time soon?

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Yes, I am shallow.

I hate video game movies, and DOA: Dead Or Alive will almost certainly continue the tradition. But the trailer made me feel like I was watching Charlie's Angels - the movie, not the series - which is always a good thing. And Devon Aoki and Holly Valance are in it. Will it suck? Maybe? Will I see it?

Kill me now, or There is NO WAY IN HELL Kate Moss is sexier than Jessica Biel, for instance.

FHM UK's top 100. One of my fellow Guardian Unlimited posters supplied the only editorial comment this year's list deserves: "FUCK YOU, FHM." Favourites in bold and italics, explanations as to who some of them are provided, ones I don't approve of will get no comment. Usually. Truly this is a new low for this ranking... and obviously no Cindy.

1. Keira Bloody Knightley.
2. Keeley Hazell. Winner of Page 3 Idol (I am not making this up) and frequently undressed in lad mags. Has large breasts. Sexy, but I'd rather have Erica Campbell - cuter, and goes further in her nude shoots. (Plus she actually replied to an email I sent her!)
3. Scarlett Johansson.
4. Angelina Bloody Cunting Motherfucking Asshat Jolie.
5. Kelly Brook.
6. Cheryl Pissing Tweedy. From Girls Aloud.
7. Beyonce Knowles.
8. Evangeline Lilly.
9. Jessica Alba. The only one in the top 10 who deserves it.
10. Jessica Simpson.
11. Billie Piper. Former pop singer, now on the revived
Doctor Bloody Who.
12. Sienna Miller.
13. Lindsay Lohan.
14. Rachel Stevens.
15. Sarah Harding. Another from Girls Aloud.
16. Jennifer Love Hewitt.
17. Halle Berry.
18. Jennifer Aniston.
19. Fearne Cotton. From BBC Radio 1 and Top of the Pops.
20. Eva Longoria.
21. Mischa Barton.
22. Elisha Cuthbert.
23. Kate Beckinsale.
24. Hayley Parsons. This year's winner of FHM's High Street Honey title.
25. Eva Mendes.
26. Charlize Theron.
27. Kara Tointon. Someone from EastEnders.
28. Rachel Bilson.
29. Tanya Robinson. FHM model.
30. Holly Willoughby. Saturday morning TV host. Cute.
31. Jennifer Ellison.
32. Gemma Atkinson. Someone from Hollyoaks.
Hilary Duff.
34. Paris Hilton.
35. Lucy Pinder. Model who, unlike Keeley Hazell, never shows all of her breasts. Please note the lower placing.
36. Brittany Murphy.
37. Tera Patrick.
38. Christina Shitty McShit-Shitting Vandershit Shithead Aguilera.
39. Lisa Snowdon. TV presenter and George Clooney ex.
Charlotte Church.
41. Tara Reid.
42. Victoria Silvstedt.
43. Jennifer Lopez.
44. Maggie Grace.
45. Coleen McLoughlin. Poor man's Victoria Beckham... Coleen McLoughlin? Coleen McFuckingloughin? Are you SERIOUS?
46. Kate Bosworth.
47. Michelle Marsh. Model. Nudity friendly.
48. Natalie Portman.
49. Nicole Scherzinger.
50. Chantelle Houghton. Paris Hilton lookalike who became "famous" when she entered and won Celebrity Big Brother in spite of not actually being a celebrity or even heard of before. If I go any further I'll die of rage, so let's move on.
51. Natalie Pike. Not, as previously mentioned, from EastEnders - actually a model and one of FHM's High Street Honeys.
52. Jaime Pressly.
53. Tina O’Brien. Someone from Coronation Street.
54. Brooke Burke.
55. Nadine Coyle. Another from Girls Aloud.
56. Maria Sharapova.
57. Nikki Sanderson. Ex-Coronation Street. Beautiful.
58. Charlotte Marshall. Lad mag model.
Jennifer Garner.
60. Anna Kournikova.
61. Kristen Kreuk.
62. Lady Isabella Hervey.
63. Holly Valance. Australian singer-actress, recently seen as Michael's wife on Prison Break. Nice.
64. Natalie Oxley. Glamour model.
65. Joss Stone.
66. Kimberley Walsh. Another from Girls Aloud.
67. Kayleigh Pearson. Model, High Street Honey winner (see also Tanya Robinson).
68. Sophie Howard. Yet another lad mag model.
69. Fergie (Black Eyed Peas).
70. Heidi Klum.
71. Sarah Michelle Gellar.
72. Pamela Anderson.
73. Sammy Winward. Someone from Emmerdale.
74. Naomi Watts.
75. Kirsty Gallacher. TV presenter.
76. Cameron Diaz.
77. Roxanne Pallett. Emmerdale actress and Soapstar Superstar (singing) contestant.
78. Myleene Klass. Now plays classical piano. Bless.
79. Katie Holmes.
80. Gisele Bundchen.
81. Teri Hatcher.
82. Reese Witherspoon.
83. Gwen Stefani.
84. Nicola Roberts. The last one from Girls Aloud.
85. Adele Silva. Someone from Emmerdale.
Rebecca Romijn.
87. Kate Fucking Cunting Pissing Shitting Wankering Asshole-ering Moss.
88. Carmen Electra.
89. Rachel McAdams.
90. Myfanwy Waring. From The Bill (cop show which has run even longer than Law & Order, but due to it being more of a soap isn't nearly as well regarded by fans).
91. Roxanne McKee. Someone from Hollyoaks.
92. Jenna Jameson.
Jessica Biel.
94. Kate Middleton. Prince William's girlfriend.
95. Josie Maran.
96. Emma Griffiths. MTV presenter.
97. Joanna Krupa.
98. Denise Van Outen.
99. Rosario Dawson.
100. Sofia Vergara.

I may finally have cracked with this one.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Damn Cindy. I never want to hear her name mentioned again.

Not this one, this one.
With Cindy Margolis finally going the way of Gabrielle Reece, Kristy Swanson and Tia Carrere and stripping off for the cameras (the Playboy cameras, yes, but still cameras) after years of refusing to do so and years after what minimal interest people had in her disappeared, I now have an excuse to vent about how much I never liked her. Ever.
I resented how her website used to have "There's a new Cindy on the block" as its splash page. You need to be seriously attractive, classy and successful to compare yourself to The Greatest Supermodel Of All Time, and Cindy M didn't come close to Cindy C even at her peak (sic). This is also why I've never really liked Kelly Brook - she has the body and she's inoffensive (if maybe not all that bright), but if her first magazine spread of note had kept from channelling the spirit of Cindy...
Anyway, Margolis. Her clinging to that "Most Downloaded Woman" title like a liferaft, as a reflection that she's done about as much to merit world attention as Nikki Sanderson (ex-Coronation Street heartthrob to people with Y-chromosomes, I understand), was another minus - props to Danni Ashe for calling her on it. (This having been six years ago, plus another four since CM claimed the title in the first place, the actual winner may well be someone else by now.)
And then there's the simple fact that she really wasn't terribly attractive... basically, Cindy Margolis was and is a cut-rate Pamela Anderson without the genuine international fame and actual successful product to back it up (you may sneer at Baywatch and VIP, but they both ran a lot longer than The Cindy Margolis Show). Not to mention the nudity.
I do empathise with her over her fertility problems, however. At the end of the day she's only human...

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Who wouldn't want a huge statue of Mischa Barton?*

If you were in the UK over the past couple of weeks and near a TV, you probably saw the spots for Ricky Gervais' episode of The Simpsons. Over and over and over again. It worked for the ratings, and reviewers by and large liked it (although The Guardian seemed to think it was the first time they'd handled reality TV - so "Helter Shelter" and "A Star Is Torn" don't count? - and the clueless Daily Star claimed that he was the first guest star to be asked back, a fact which will certainly come as a surprise to Albert Brooks, Kelsey Grammer, Danny DeVito, Glenn Close, Susan Sarandon, David Crosby, Alec Baldwin, Joe Mantegna, Stephen Hawking, Jon Lovitz, Adam West, Thomas Pynchon, Tom Clancy, Dave Thomas and Eric Idle. Not to mention the late Barry White and Phil Hartman), but as usual there were plenty of people claiming it was the Worst. Episode. Ever since the last one to be named Worst. Episode. Ever. Which seems to be an auto-response in some cases.
Now, I'll admit the show isn't what it was in the golden age, but erosion affects everything in the end if it lasts long enough, and it's still a long way from being shit. (Yes, it is.) And the current season's run is certainly better than even that of a couple of years ago; we're unlikely to see the heights of the classics again, and what we've got now is still more deserving of repeat viewing than, say, One On One. But we were talking about The Simpsons?
Away from the mountains of promotion that seems to greet any US show Gervais appears on (his episode of Alias received more hype than the entire series on all the channels it's been shown on), the episode itself was better around the edges than with the main plot - the Fox Network tour and the end credit ramble yes, the whole Wife Swap business not really (plus Gervais isn't really an actor) . To be honest, there have been better episodes this season, but there have also been worse (like "Seemingly Never-Ending Story" and "My Fair Willie" respectively)...but he does swipe Mel Gibson's crown as the Guest Star Who Most Took Over An Episode, even though this is preferable to "Beyond Blunderdome."
And two more things; imbecile Dom Robinson wondered why they didn't replace "Donald Trump" with "Alan Sugar" in the dubbing (Sir Alan Sugar hosts the British version of The Apprentice, complete with "You're fired" - too bad The Donald didn't manage to copyright it), and I still hate that live-action opening.

Five Episodes Worse Than "Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife": I could just have filled this with episodes written by John Frink & Don Payne, but I found some others.

"Future-Drama." Worst. Emmy-Nominated Episode. Ever. Not a patch on "Lisa's Wedding" or even "Bart To The Future."

"Homer Vs. Dignity." Low point: Homer being raped by a panda.
"Lisa the Simpson." Imagine if the the-Simpson-women-are-brilliant-the-men-are-jerks ending was the other way around. Not very funny I expect (well, it is a Lisa episode), but not funny and offensive... (Incidentally, has anyone noticed that Cletus and Brandine have yet to have their own episode?)
"Blame It On Lisa." Not a Lisa episode, but the most painful of their "The Simpsons are going to..." episodes. And yes, that does include "Simpson Safari."

"The Lastest Gun In The West." Impossible to believe this came from the pen of John Swartzwelder.

*During the ride through the Fox Network lot, Homer ignores the warnings of Dan Castellaneta ("Of The Tracey Ullman Show") to keep firmly inside the cart and smashes his head against Mischa Barton. To be precise, against a giant statue of Mischa erected in her honour on the lot. (Though if they were going to build one, you'd think it would be of Simon Cowell. Then again, who wants to sleep with him?)

Friday, April 21, 2006

The Crawford/Feltz Weekend Update, people...

Cindy: Victoria. Having patched things up between us, I now have my new avatar. Meaning I might decide not to leave CSSA after all. I'm so fickle, aren't I?

Vanessa: The clot at the Daily Star (doesn't narrow it down much) who called Rihanna a "calypso cutie." Cutie she undeniably is, but for heaven's sake - calypso music and what she does are two very different things. Imagine if Rihanna were to say that all British accents sound the same. Get the idea, moron?

Cindy: Esther Ampofo. Also known as Esther A-mo-fo. Finally gone from DMWorks, though whether she quit for another job or was at long last sacked I don't know. Hopefully, despite everything, the former.

Vanessa: Yet another Abbey withdrawal in the offing.

Cindy: All my online purchases done in time to avoid frequent deliveries to where I am now. And questions from Sharon.

Vanessa: My meds. Can I get them sent over here outside of Brent? Or have to risk backpedalling until I'm secure?

Cindy: Prison Break on Monday night. Specifically Wentworth Miller's specially-recorded-as-Michael-Scofield-for-Five announcements before the show and over the credits, which had a fairly high cheekiness factor ("I need time to think... a week should do it") and also defied logic ("I need time... to find out what Veronica knows" - and how could he have known that Veronica had found out one big clue about the whole thing?), but then again so does the show. Again, please.

Vanessa: Ricky Gervais. Specifically, Sky One's endless promos for his episode of The Simpsons this coming Sunday. With the man himself. In live action ("Watch me in The Simpsons on Sky One. Or Channel 4, if you can wait three years"). Not as leap-for-the-remote-control annoying as that ident with Ellen "Grey's Anatomy has arrived. On Five" Pompeo, but thank goodness they'll vanish after 6:30pm this Sunday.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

And now, a post which mentions Cindy Crawford. Shocking, isn't it?

With all due respect to Scarlett Johansson in Jamaica (as the guy at WWTTD said, there are probably only two pics [at first] because all the paparazzi were masturbating), this is more interesting:

(The)brand new Walt Disney Concert Hall towers over streets crowded with homeless and destitute migrants.
``Disney Hall has been very successful in the sense that it has become our landmark already,'' (conductor Esa-Pekka) Salonen says. ``There is hardly a Hollywood movie with a car chase which doesn't go past Disney Hall.
There is hardly a lingerie commercial that wouldn't be partly shot in the garden of Disney Hall.
``I went to work one morning, and outside my door was Cindy Crawford in a black bra,''
he says. ``And I thought that very clearly the building is making progress in integrating itself into various layers of our culture." (

Cindy Crawford. Lingerie commercial. At this moment clips of Lindsay Lohan on Saturday Night Live are on E! News Daily. I still want more information about this ad. And NOW.

Monday, April 17, 2006

So where's Eh?

The Bilson Archivist, seeing my link to (which sadly isn't specifically about the Best. Supermodel. Ever), went looking to see if there was a similar URL for Rachel Bilson. Amazingly, there is. Unfortunately it's one, as he put it, of "no substance." Not even a detailed fantasy about her dominating Taylor and Marissa. (If the show's writers are reading this and really want a fourth season...)
Which got me wondering if there were any others out there about some of the favourite women of this and some of the other blogs of this circle...

Laura Prepon? No.
Jessica Alba? No.
Any of the Charmed Ones? Except for
the late unlamented Prue, no.
Jennifer Garner?
Yes, but it's even less substantial than the one about Rachel.
Hilary Duff? No.
Mariah Carey?
Yes, but doesn't seem to have been updated in a while.
Monita Rajpal? Sadly for fans of beautiful CNN anchors with dusky skin, welcoming chests and DSLs, no. (And yes, she's on CNN Today as I write this. You got a problem with that?)
Charlize Theron? No.
Rosanna Arquette?
Yes, and it actually has updates.
Lindsay Lohan?
Yes, but see Jennifer Garner.
Jennifer Aniston?
Yes, but see Lindsay Lohan.
Elisha Cuthbert?
Yes, but it hasn't been updated since 2004.
Britney Spears?
Yes, but it's dire.
Mischa Barton?
Yes, but it's not updated.
Emma Watson?
Yes, but arguably the worst of the lot.
Anna Kournikova?
Yes, and at least it's a bit better than Maria Sharapova's.
Monica Bellucci? No.
Erica Campbell? No.
Vida Guerra?
Yes, but it sucks.
Scarlett Johansson? No.
Aria Giovanni?
Yes, but she seems to be too busy being a more attractive version of Angelina Jolie to update it.
Salma Hayek? No.
Brooke Burke?
Carmen Electra?
Laetitia Casta?
Cindy Crawford? Oh wait a minute...

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Finally back in its regular spot, a Weekend Update.

Cindy: I'm typing this at Sharon's place for the next few weeks.
Vanessa: This keyboard is mouseless, and it sucks having to move whatever the cursor equivalent is with fingertips.
Cindy: The new series of Veronica Mars starts when the last series of Charmed ends - no annoying weekday stripping like last time, just 8pm Thursdays and no clashing with anything.
Vanessa: Doctor Fucking Who starts up tonight. Go away.
Cindy: Non-stop soothing film music...
Vanessa: ...unless the system goes down like it just did. Fuck.
Cindy: Finally finding out from Mr. B why he never updates.
Vanessa: "I don't have time..." Like Oz, I have to admit I'm disappointed.
Cindy: Seeing the trailer for X-Men: The Last Stand before
The Pink Panther.
: Seeing The Pink Panther, period.
Cindy: Holiday weekend.
Vanessa: Not the happiest of occasions, Easter. Plus I've just come off two of the more unpleasant diabetic side effects, i.e. feeling unwarrantedly sleepy and a mild headache.


Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The Night I Wanted To Live On The Continent More Than Usual.

That's continental Europe.
One of my all-time favourite TV shows - The Wild Wild West (do NOT get me started on that movie... then again, you could get a blogging out of it) - is coming to DVD this year, with season one getting put out first on Region 1. And I have a multiregion player; even if I don't ever manage to work out the proper way of connecting it so the images of R1 discs show up in colour it don't matter none in this case, because the first season was in glorious black and white (and I do mean glorious - some of those shows are Cindy Crawford beautiful. A few are Michael Crawford beautiful, but that's the way it goes).
But in France (where the show's always been very popular) seasons two, three and four already have release dates. With English-language tracks thank goodness. Happy birthday to me, hopefully. Another gap in my growing up filled in.
Oh yeah, and in case you're wondering, all but one of the episode titles began "The Night..." Even when most of the action took place in the daytime. That's American TV for you. :)

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Rainy days and Tuesdays.

Waking up at Golders Green after falling asleep on the 183, and it's raining. With a little snow. IN FUCKING APRIL. Not a nice way to spend a day off.
Though Jim gave me notice effective of the 14th, meaning this Friday coming is the official last day of my living on Kenton Road, Sharon suggested that I move over to her flat the day before she goes to the Caribbean; this took three days of driving and carrying up two flights of stairs (her driving, [mostly] my carrying), 15 minutes of patiently explaining to ntl that I want to disconnect from that bunch of incompetent no-narks (they're coming for the set-top box next Saturday) - the first chance I get I'm getting Sky again - and lots of early departures.
And losing just ten pounds of my deposit because of my not washing all the linen. (And leaving the milk behind... I hope they find it, because they've got my keys.)
And getting into a quarrel with that no-talent jumped-up sub-fourth-form attention-seeking asshole M@ (even his name is revolting), but enough about that. Let's just say that I've had more stress from that than from lugging the boxes over, and leave it at that.
On the upside, my CDs arrived just in time, my Cineworld card will be paid up, and it's a holiday weekend. Life could be worse. Oh, and note to Kira's Slave - there will be no links to Biel's behind. Here are links to a hopefully 16-year-old Hayden Panetierre and a definitely well over 16-year-old Aria Giovanni instead. :)

Monday, April 10, 2006

As if demons weren't enough...

Last week Five announced that the eighth and final season of Charmed wouldn't be shown on the home of CSI and Everybody Hates Chris like the previous seven were, only for Channel 4 to pick up the ball and expose terrestrial fans of quietly alluring Piper, voluptuously sexy Paige and not-quite-as-bewitching-as-the-other-two-but-still-pretty-hot-is-that-all-right-Jen? Phoebe to what happened after they faked their own deaths and made everyone see three not-quite-as-attractive ladies in their place. This is actually pretty good going compared to Alias, Xena: Warrior Princess or Angel (Five did finish La Femme Nikita, but we were talking about shows that I actually watch... which would technically also dismiss Angel, but that's another thing), and at least those fans who don't have LivingTV will get to see the final season. And for better or worse, Billie.
The trouble is, the Charmed Ones have to suffer the fate of Stargate SG-1, Star Trek: Enterprise and The O.C., and be shown as part of T4. T4 is a Sunday morning-to-afternoon programming strand aimed at teenagers and people recovering from Saturday nights on the tiles with grating presenters, interviews and music interspersed with TV shows, and as well as the dreaded credit squeezes and verbal diarrhoea in place of (not even over - in place of) music, the time of day means episodes can and have been (and will be) edited. One staggeringly pointless scenario had the car hitting that surfer dude in The O.C. cut from the episode it appeared in and yet we still saw it in subsequent "Previously on The O.C." bits... so what was the point again?
The eighth season itself isn't as dreadful as some have said, even if "Battle Of The Sexes" was a real step backwards (one of the good things about the show is that like the novels of Mary Higgins Clark, it was a female-powered thing that never tried to get on a soapbox or felt the need to attack men - this episode was a very jarring misstep, and the fact that the villain was female didn't change that) - even Billie's quest for her sister isn't unbearable, and the episode that was inspired by Mr & Mrs Smith was actually better than the film itself. And best of all, that damn cat's finally gone from the opening credits. The Halliwells deserve better than to be squashed in between inane interviews and Hollyoaks (don't ask) - but they still haven't had the treatment poor Sydney Bristow got from British TV. Blub.

The laughably dubbed Weekend Update.

Cindy: Got most of my stuff moved over to Sharon's flat over the weekend.
Vanessa: Irritated when one of my boxes of Cindy magazines burst open (after I tripped, mind - this was the only box to come open in the transfer), Sharon asked me if I'd ever heard of de-cluttering. Never ask a collector about de-cluttering.
Cindy: More exercise...
Vanessa: ...because the only bus passing right by Sharon's flat doesn't start until 6:30 on weekday mornings. Cue 20-minute walk for an earlier one.
Cindy: One of the new people at work. Anneza. Looks a little like Michelle Branch. Short. The first person I could be attracted to here since Karen left.
Vanessa: I'm too shy to go out with straight women, it seems.
Cindy: Tuesday is a day off for me to get into Sharon's place. And get more time online.
Vanessa: Hallmark snipping of Gilmore girls. Don't think we can't tell.
Cindy: Record store sales. Especially at Virgin. Bring on next weekend.
Vanessa: Being subjected to Sharon's line in music (number of times I can stand listening to Jamie Foxx or whatever: 1, at the most). And I dread having to explain to Shaz the backstory on Lost if it starts up while I'm still there (and it will... clashing with Medium to boot).

Cindy: The junk contained inside Jessica Biel's trunk.
Vanessa: Jessica Biel's website, non-updated for so long that she's still listed as being on 7th Heaven and doesn't mention Blade:Trinity or Stealth. Then again, in her case that's probably a Cindy...

Friday, April 07, 2006

Black and white and red all over and thrown away in disgust.

The trouble with reading The Guardian is that some of its contributors err on the side of cuntishness. On Thursday, Hannah Pool took time off from her usual job of writing about makeup to do what all the black journalists writing for it seem obliged to do, namely play the racism card (which at times seems to be all Gary Younge in particular writes about) in an article complaining about the treatment given Condoleeza Rice, an ex-Big Brother contestant, the star of BBC2's Don't Mess With Miss Beckles, and Naomi Campbell. The link above will take you to the full rant (and the comments about it, many of which are far more incisive than hers or mine)...
Racism? Yes, there's a lot of it in the press, but none of them are reviled because they're black women - Naomi Campbell in particular isn't attacked because she's black, she's attacked because she's a vile waste of DNA. It came as no surprise to me that the writer also contributes to the Evening Standard...
It's articles like this that make me glad I've stopped buying it every day.

Sisters are listing it for themselves.

Since FHM can't have all the fun, New Woman's readers picked their 100 Most Beautiful Women Of All Time. This being a mag for and often by older women, the list skews fairly old-school. The full list is here because of who's at number three. And the only two people to top her are deceased. (New Woman is a British magazine, which explains the presence of several people on this list. If not on this planet.)

1 Audrey Hepburn.
2 Grace Kelly.
3 Cindy Crawford.
4 Sophia Loren.
5 Marilyn Monroe.
6 Angelina Jolie.
7 Catherine Zeta-Jones.
8 Diana, Princess of Wales.
9 Halle Berry.
10 Scarlett Johansson.
11 Kate Moss.
12 Elizabeth Taylor.
13 Cameron Diaz.
14 Vivien Leigh.
15 Charlize Theron.
16 Nicole Kidman.
17 Claudia Schiffer.
18 Rita Hayworth.
19 Ingrid Bergman.
20 Julie Christie.
21 Jennifer Lopez.
22 Gwyneth Paltrow.
23 Nigella Lawson.
24 Twiggy.
25 Joan Collins.
26 Sienna Miller.
27 Jean Shrimpton.
28 Madonna.
29 Gisele Bundchen.
30 Marlene Dietrich.
31 Brigitte Bardot.
32 Naomi Campbell.
33 Julia Roberts.
34 Catherine Deneuve.
35 Keira Knightley.
36 Thandie Newton.
37 Elle Macpherson.
38 Liv Tyler.
39 Katharine Hepburn.
40 Elizabeth Hurley.
41 Dita Von Teese.
42 Jennifer Aniston.
43 Helena Christensen.
44 Natalie Portman.
45 Sharon Stone.
46 Raquel Welch.
47 Greta Garbo.
48 Kylie Minogue.
49 Victoria Beckham.
50 Lauren Bacall.
51 Mischa Barton.
52 Ava Gardner.
53 Kate Winslet.
54 Gwen Stefani.
55 Rachel Weisz.
56 Natalie Imbruglia.
57 Teri Hatcher.
58 Felicity Kendal.
59 Debbie Harry.
60 Lucy Liu.
61 Kelly Brook.
62 Beyonce.
63 Jackie Onassis.
64 Pamela Anderson.
65 Sophie Dahl.
66 Uma Thurman.
67 Cat Deeley.
68 Jordan.
69 Joanna Lumley.
70 Courteney Cox.
71 Charlotte Rampling.
72 Meg Ryan.
73 Eva Longoria.
74 Caroline, Princess of Monaco.
75 Kate Beckinsale.
76 Yasmin Le Bon.
77 Kate Middleton.
78 Anna Ford.
79 Cate Blanchett.
80 Tess Daly.
81 Christy Turlington.
82 Vanessa Paradis.
83 Jane Fonda.
84 Jerry Hall.
85 Melanie Sykes.
86 Charlotte Church.
87 Juliette Binoche.
88 Carol Vorderman.
89 Reese Witherspoon.
90 Michelle Pfeiffer.
91 Natasha Kaplinsky.
92 Coleen McLoughlin.
93 Nicole Richie.
94 Evangeline Lilly.
95 Demi Moore.
96 Jenni Falconer.
97 Jessica Simpson.
98 Patsy Kensit.
99 Paris Hilton.
100 Anna Kournikova.

The thing is, this is still more varied than the average men's mag...

Wednesday, April 05, 2006


I was sitting here, trying to think of something I wanted to post about. After a while, I finally remembered what it was. Then I forgot again.

Then I remembered. :)

Unfortunately it was to rail against the Bahamas for blocking Brokeback Mountain. Would they be so eager to block it if it starred Jessica Alba (congrats on the apology, by the way) and Cindy Crawford? (Quite possibly, actually.)

And now it's off to work, to grit my teeth when Irena puts on her played-to-death CD-Rs of Andy Abraham from The X Factor (do a search and prepare to retch) and others like him. Almost makes me cherish American Idol. Almost.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

And this week's prize for making Caribbean people laugh unintentionally goes to...

Yesterday, the man Private Eye likes to call the Rev. A.R.P. Blair announced the creation of a UK FBI-type organisation. Nothing wrong with that - certainly better than having a UK equivalent of the Ku Klux Klan, right? (Sadly we do have something in that sort of territory, but that's much, much more than enough about the BNP.)
The thing is... well, when Free Willy came out a lot of jokes were made about the double entendre of the title for British audiences (I remember the trailer played when I went to see Much Ado About Nothing and one of the audience members chuckled "Obviously an American film") - but the title stayed, and since the BBC subsequently showed all three films and the TV cartoon nobody seemed to mind much. (Not the way the Beeb did when they changed the title for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but never mind.) And when you see what the organisation's name is - Serious Organised Crime Agency - and notice that the resulting acronym shares its name with a type of music that has yet to have any real Rihanna-type exposure worldwide (Buster Poindexter cover versions notwithstanding), and not only because the singers aren't as sexy... see here and here for more.

Of course, it could just be an example of multicultural Britain. Yeah, sure it is. And Butch is white, I'm thin, Jennifer's going to tell us where she lives, and the Harem-master will update.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Monday Morning Update.

Cindy: Laetitia Casta is making another movie, which explains why she's been reasonably invisible of late. (To be continued.)
Vanessa: The moving day is next Tuesday and I still haven't arranged for vans, or anything of that sort.

Cindy: It's not likely to cost that much. Always live alone in as small a space as possible.
Vanessa: First class stamps going up again. It might not seem much to you, but I work in direct mail, so it matters to me. Especially as my employers don't buy stamps for their mail...
Cindy: British Summer Time.
Vanessa: Pensions starting to be deducted from wages again after a five-month gap. Does my boss know anything? They should never have been stopped in the first place!
Cindy: Naomi Campbell arrested and Jill Carroll released at last. Justice is done, sometimes.
Vanessa: Yahoo!'s new Beta Mail. Have you ever noticed that their "improvements" are almost always more trouble than they're worth?

Cindy: Willa Holland on The O.C. as Marissa's sister Kaitlin, previously on the verge of becoming the Chuck Cunningham of the show. Nice.
Vanessa: She's supposed to be 14 on the show. And in real life she's 15. Damn these age limits.
Cindy: Most of my ordered CDs have arrived with plenty of time to spare...
Vanessa: ...except Ghostbusters and The Cutting Edge: The Deluxe Edition, which haven't even been processed yet! Forwarding address, here I come.
Cindy: Laetitia Casta's also pregnant with her second child. Another (understandable, not least from the guy's point of view) reason for her invisibility... :)