Thursday, May 26, 2005

"Alba's in Fantastic Four?"

I was just going to put a reply to that comment, but the above statement from our Australian correspondent just amazed me. Not as much as Sharon's surprise that The Simpsons' "Terror At 5 1/2 Feet" was one of several TV homages to the most famous episode of The Twilight Zone (see also Johnny Bravo and Cosby among others) - I thought everybody in the world knew that! - but still...

Even in the circles I move in, I thought it was common knowledge that a number of fans of both the comic book and Jessica Alba were up in arms about Twentieth Century Fox casting that twentieth century fox as Sue Storm; the True Believers on the grounds of her being not only (let's not be coy about this) too ethnic but also too damn hot to play the Invisible Woman as designed in the Marvel comics (which, interestingly enough, is almost the precise opposite of what was said about Jennifer Garner as Elektra) , the Alba Army on the grounds that casting someone as drop-dead gorgeous and staggeringly sexy as JMA in a role which requires her to be invisible is... how can I put this politely... fucking imbecilic. (This is one of several complaints people have made about it even before its release, with others ranging from the choice of director to, in the case of Blue Man over yonder, the fact that Mr. Fantastic is played by a Welshman.)

Anyway, if he clicks on the title he'll find definitive proof that the answer is yes. Any excuse to look at Jessica Alba is fine with me, but perhaps the makers should have cast someone blonde who many people would want to turn invisible. And Paris Hilton's in town promoting House of Wax...

"I still exist!"

And just to prove it, here's what I've managed to get together of chapter two of The Longest Weekend (up to a point; there's more but it's not ready yet).

* * * * * * * * * *

"Mom?" said Haylie Duff as soon as Susan answered.

"What? Have you heard from Hilary?"

"Not yet... they found her car on the side of the road. No sign of anything happening - she must have just upped and gone."

"And we can't even call her a missing person until tomorrow..."

"Maybe she's run off with Lindsay Lohan to make up," Haylie weakly cracked. "The news is saying she's gone too."

"Oh, screw her. She's always off her face every other week."

* * * * * * * * * *

Jessica Simpson's assistant smirked as she watched the E! story about pissed-off Jewel fans wanting their money back after she failed to turn up for that concert. The idea that Jewel could have done that was a new one even for the reporters... the best thing about it was that they wouldn't be left high and dry. "CulhaneTech CEO Stuart Holmes personally guaranteed that all customers will be receiving a full refund," said the perky reporter as he kept watching. "With what he called 'a little extra.'"

"Can you believe this crap?!" she cracked as she and Jessica watched. "Jewel didn't show up, and Richie Rich there says he'll pay everyone who wants their money back. Yeah, RIGHT."

"You never know," Jessica said, as the screen went to another story. "He could... wait a minute. Jewel's gone?"

"Yeah, she bailed out on a concert. Service to mankind I say."

"And the sponsor's CulhaneTech...?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Just something familiar about it," Jessica replied, mentally thinking over the things she'd be asking her assistant to get for her in a few minutes; things that would take her far across town. Because she needed to make a couple of phone calls.

She prayed to God that it wasn't starting again.

* * * * * * * * * *

In and out she kept thrusting her hand. In and out.

Jewel had been on edge all through the night; three times she had been blasted awake by Now That's What I Call Unlistenable Bilge 845, and always, ALWAYS the worst tracks. After the umpteenth chorus of Girls Aloud, she had been tempted to dig the bomb out of her with a fork just to get away from it.

The cool jets of the shower had helped chase away her troubled sleep; but as the water rushed over her body, Jewel knew that was only part of it. She had to get every last scrap of that business in the stables out of her system, and there was only one way she could do it. Her soaped fingers scurried around inside her blond muff, going through every last inch of her box; Jewel struggled to keep her mind off yesterday as she washed herself down there more thoroughly than she usually did. She did feel a couple of tingles as she went through, but thinking of Stuart Holmes cut those urges off.

In and out she kept thrusting. In and out.

* * * * * * * * * *

Hilary Duff's eyes cracked open; she had finally been granted a few hours of sleep. Still a little sore, she started to get out of bed - she needed a shower...

On the table by her bed she saw a red rose and a small envelope addressed to her, and cracked a bemused half-smile. What was with this weirdo...? Hilary tore open the envelope and took out a small slip of paper; her half-smile soon turned to complete-snarl on reading it.

"Same time tonight?" Stuart had written.

"No," Hilary muttered, as she started to tear the note up. "Not tonight. Not any night. Not ever again."

* * * * * * * * * *

Lindsay Lohan had managed to get the most sleep of the three guests; she had buried her head underneath the plush pillows and held them very, very close to her ears, mentally thinking of songs that weren't crap. This tactic had actually worked, and her REM movements had left her with her head back on the pillows, lolling as day broke.

Slumbering on the bed, she didn't hear the door open softly and a figure slip in, look at the redhead sleeping and nod. Nor did she feel a pair of hands lightly touching her feet, touching them so delicately it was almost as if they weren't there. Nor did Lindsay register the hands slowly sliding up her legs, moving over her thighs. Lindsay only started to feel something in her mind when her thick red bush was tickled slightly by an eager tongue, the owner's hands still stroking her legs.

"Mmmm..." Lindsay said, still slightly asleep as the tongue dabbed her plump, tasty button, flicking it just a little before slipping along the sides of her cunt. Whoever was down there was taking his sweet time; the tongue was tasting every tiny nook of Lindsay's box, and the way those fingers tenderly caressed her pink thighs wasn't bad either. Lindsay's breathing began to get harder as the mouth kept tasting, the lips kissing the snatch and the tongue moving deeper inside the girl. Lindsay was losing any sleepiness she'd had as she heard the guy's little sounds of appreciation; she wanted to open her eyes and look to see who the person was - but she was afraid it would be that Stuart...

No; Stuart couldn't be THIS good at eating pussy, she thought as she felt the hands moving up her body, touching her headlights as the tongue began to move faster, on the clit here, on her cuntlips there. Lindsay was fully awake now, trying not to gasp out loud as she found herself dampening the mouth of her morning lover, her eyes open and seeing the slim, feminine hands squeezing her heavy breasts... Lindsay's surprise at seeing the sex of whoever it was was wiped out by her sudden feeling of heat between her legs, as she found herself feeling better than she had since coming here...

Now it was Hilary's turn not to hear Lindsay scream as she came with sunlight hitting her face. The cry continued even as the girl kept tasting her, and Lindsay was still gasping when she finally raised her head, lips moist from her work.

The glowing redhead was looking at a startling beautiful girl. She couldn't have been more than 17, and she was wearing a T-shirt and blue pants. She had very Asian features - Korean? Japanese? Lindsay never could tell off the bat. She didn't look particularly enigmatic, but Lindsay nonetheless knew she was hiding something.

"Uh... uh... who are you?"

Lindsay kicked herself for saying something so stupid, but the girl didn't mind. She just pointed to a little sign on her shirt; Lindsay peered closer and read "Hi, I'm Kimiko."

"Hi, I'm Lindsay..."

Kimiko nodded. "That wasn't... all that bad, actually," the redhead continued.

She nodded again.

"What's wrong? Can't you talk?"

She nodded again.

"Is... is HE listening?"

Kimiko nodded again. "What are you going to do, tell me military secrets? Why can't you just say hello..."

Lindsay's voice trailed off as the girl lifted her shirt up. Kimiko had herself a fine set of breasts; Lindsay insisted she was straight, but even she could see they were utterly beautiful. Not even the slight scar in the middle could take away from them, but it was the scar that caught Lindsay's eye. Kimiko let the shirt drop over her chest again, having made her point.

"Oh God - you too?"

Kimiko nodded; pointing to her mouth, she shook her head. Then she opened her mouth without making a sound, pointed to her chest and spread her fingers apart quickly. Lindsay felt horror replacing pleasure as she looked at the girl.

"I am going to kill that bastard before I leave here," she said in a low tone.

Kimiko nodded again.

* * * * * * * * *

"Morning, ladies," Stuart said brightly as Lindsay, Jewel and Hilary sat down at the table, just as the tea arrived. "Ready to eat? I've got some people for you to meet and they don't like to hear tummies rumbling. Especially my father... I've told him all about you three. He's very excited; it's been a while since he and his partners have had such company to look forward to."

"Yay us," Jewel said with no enthusiasm whatsoever.

"Ladies, this is Kimiko Mizutani," Stuart continued, accepting a cup from the girl. "You didn't see her yesterday because it was her day off, but she'll be around to tend to your desires. To an extent of course."

"I think we've met," Lindsay smiled as Kimiko turned her attention to the redhead. "One sugar, please."

"My father especially wants to see you, Cadet Kelly," Stuart said to Hilary as she started eating. "He and his partner. They'll be here shortly - I'm pleased that you're all neat and tidy. Nature abhors a vacuum and they abhor scruffs. Excuse me a moment," he added as his phone rang. "Hello?... Yes... All right, I'll tell them. (Back to Hilary) That was my father; his helicopter will be landing in five minutes. They'll be ready just about when you finish eating."

Hilary started to eat very, very slowly as the sound of a helicopter in the distance, very faint at first, started to build up.

Inside the helicopter, Arthur Holmes looked disapprovingly at his fellow passenger's reading material. "Dammit, woman, why do you have to read that crap?"

"I happen to like this crap," Corliss Culhane muttered. "And I owe some of the company's stock. Call it keeping up on my investment."

"But... John GRISHAM?!"

"Look, I don't get pissy when you're reading the damn Daily Mail," the woman countered.

"That's an actual newspaper. You're probably unfamiliar with the concept of reading newspapers. You're an American."

Corliss, not for the first time, found herself counting to twenty to keep from hitting this superannutated twit. This superannutated, extremely rich, vast amount of stock owning in CulhaneTech twit. "Remind me again of why you want to fuck Lizzie McGuire?" she said icily. "Wouldn't you rather have someone from Girls Aloud or some such shit British group?"

"Because it's easier to traffic young American celebs around the world than those from other countries, and I like to test the merchandise. Duff isn't exactly a household word internationally, but she carries more weight than Zoe Lucker," Arthur explained.


"Exactly. Besides, as far as Septics on Children's BBC go better her than that brunette from Even Stevens."

"You seem to know a lot about that kind of thing," Corliss chuckled.

"No more than you. Now come along," he said as the helicopter landed. "We have some young ripe ladies to pluck..."

"At least this time my bloody kids won't be getting in the way," Corliss snickered.

"Americans shouldn't say 'bloody.' It doesn't fit them."

Ignoring that linguistic comment, Corliss heaved her bulk out of the chopper.

* * * * * * * * * *

"Take her plate away," Stuart said to Kimiko as Hilary continued toying with her cereal, each mouthful being crunched about 20 times before she swallowed. "They won't like to be kept waiting, and don't think I don't know what you're trying to do."

"But I wasn't - " Hilary started as Kimiko whisked away the plate, directly on cue with the door flying open.

"Ah, right on time!" Stuart beamed, welcoming Corliss and Arthur as they headed towards him. "My girl'll have your drinks ready in a few moments - sit down, sit down. How's your day been so far?"

"A lot better now I'm finally here," Arthur replied. "Nice ladies you've got here. Miss Duff... Miss Lohan... Miss Whatever-The-Hell-Your-Last-Name-Is."

"It's Kilcher, and the pleasure's all yours," Jewel filled in.

"What is it will all these stupid one-name-only singers anyway?" Corliss grumbled, sitting down on the sofa. "They didn't call them Ella or Sarah or Billie or Aretha or even Lesley... Fitzgerald. Vaughan. Holiday. Franklin. Gore. They had surnames and they used them. Fucking stuck-up little so-and-so's... where's my drink, Lotus Blossom?"

"She's got a name, woman-balloon," Lindsay snapped, hating the woman instantly as so many did.

"Do I look like her mother?"

"You look like a mother. A total motherf-"

"Ah-ah-ah, enough of that," Stuart interrupted. "Corliss doesn't have time to argue with you; she and my dad are busy people. They're here to test the merchandise." He clamped a hand on Hilary's exposed thigh, having a good squeeze as she grimaced. "Meaning you, my dear. I'll be in the opposite room while they're carrying out the test - Miss Kilcher, you come with me."

"What about me?" Lindsay asked.

"You? You're going to watch," Stuart chuckled as he walked out of the room, Jewel meekly following him. "You're obviously not going to go anywhere. Besides, I've got some people for you to meet afterwards." And as he left the room, Kimiko entered with the drinks for the guests, bowed quietly, gave Lindsay a sympathetic smile and left.

Hilary gave Lindsay a look as Arthur took her by the arm, bidding her to leave the table. She had seen the smile Kimiko gave her - she opened her mouth to ask what was going on with them, and then felt one of Arthur's aged (but smooth with lack of work) hands clamping her mouth shut. "Little girls should be seen and not heard," he tut-tutted.

Lindsay relaxed, enjoying Hilary's furious brown eyes and her mumbling "I'm not a little girl!" behind his hands as he dragged her towards the reclining Corliss. "I hear my grandson is hot for your bod, Hil," she said casually. "Get them off and let's see if he's got a case." Glaring at the old woman with rage, a restrained Hilary undressed quickly, her anger mixed with shame at what these people were making her do. She wouldn't even do lingerie shoots for men's magazines, and now she was stripping off for strangers... soon she was naked, and she just knew Lindsay was enjoying this.

Arthur was standing behind her and couldn't see as much as he'd have liked, but on one of the opposite walls there was a mirror; he took a glance, and was delighted to see a side view of Hilary Duff's pink naked form. Her tits weren't big but they were perky and the real thing, her body was soft and firm, and she had beautiful legs. Arthur discreetly licked his lips as he ran his free hand down the girl's body... was her bum as sexy as his son said it was? He ignored the twitch from Hilary as he caressed her cheeks. Yes, it was.

"Not bad," Corliss acknowledged. "Too bad I don't like girls..."

Hilary's eyes brightened a little at that.

"...but anything for the company," Corliss continued. She lifted her dress up, giving Hilary and Arthur a look at her uncovered, immense pussy; both of them wrinkled their faces at the sight. "What are you moaning about, Arthur? You won't be getting any of it. You know what to do, Lizzie McFuckingguire."

Hilary squeezed her eyes shut as she knelt down, telling herself that if she did quickly it would soon be over.

"And don't rush, okay? I like these things to last..."

Monday, May 23, 2005

It's just another Manic Monday.

Day 8 of my time at 493 Kenton Road. Which I thought was 463 Kenton Road. Which is what I told Abbey National. And my doctor's. And Gerry Kroll at Soundtrackers. And, I think, Royal Mail on the redirection form. Meaning that I now have to go up to Muswell Hill during my lunch break and explain it to them (something that I don't like doing thanks to the traffic); and over to 463 Kenton Road and tell them that they're going to be getting stuff for me, alas; and down to the doctor's to try and do something so I don't run out of my pills... growing up is a pain.

On the upside, the good people at ntl blessed me with cable, but on the downside it's not tuned into the video so I can't tape anything for the time being until I work it out (or, more likely, appeal to Sharon to help work it out... or, let's face it, work it out for me). So that's something else fucked up.

And have I managed to do any writing at all since taking up in the bedsit? Have I hell. Not a word on my collaboration with Jen. Nothing moving forward on the one with Hilary, Jewel and She Who Really, Really Needs To Take A Page From Jessica Alba's Book. Zero on the next Cindy Inc. Not even anything for IMDb's comments, thanks to my being non-free for movies until the weekend after next (Shaz moves over this weekend, and I'm giving her a hand). I know what I want to write for each bit, but I just can't put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, yet - ploughing through pictures in the inbox takes up so much time that by the end...).

But hey, at least I bought some diabetic chocolates. And Sin City finally opens next week. (I wanted to go to the premiere in Leicester Square tonight and maybe catch a glimpse of J. Alba and Brittany Murphy, but now I'll have to stay home. Oh well, there's always Fantastic Four.)

Thursday, May 12, 2005

On my own.

This Sunday I will be an official single person. Not just in terms of relationships, but in terms of living arrangement. At the age of 35, I will finally be living on my own on a permanent basis for the first time in my life.

No parents, no sisters, just me in a bedsit on Kenton Road, not far from where I live now. It's a nice place, I admit - quiet, cosy, furnished, bills inclusive except for electricity (on a meter); no PC of my own so no Internet (yet). It was going to happen eventually, and it's to the immense relief of my very caring if sometimes naggy and whiny big sister that we're finally separating after more than 10 years of my lumbering her with myself.

Additional virtues:

No more having to go off to watch the smaller TV when The O.C., Charmed or something else that I want to watch is on.

No more having to endure the moronic conversation of the smug twit Sharon calls a boyfriend.

No more having to worry about getting my own place.

Unfortunately, it also means less access to The Place That Jen Doesn't Like, and no more AOL chats for the foreseeable future. But that's what e-mails were invented for.

And since I've always been more comfortable by myself than with other people, this is probably the best thing for me.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

How did that happen?

Apparently the previous post showed up twice. This thing is always playing up.

I don't know why I bother. I really don't IV: The final chapter.

And here we go… let down by the Americans, the Brits and the French. Did Australian and New Zealand..ian… readers of FHM do any better? What do you think? In the tradition of Jennifer, only women I’ve heard of (and cast members of Neighbours and Home and Away) will be listed below, but the full list is over on KS’s blog. Women I like quite a bit in bold italics.

1. Bec Cartwright. One of many non-ugly Home and Away performers.
2. Jennifer Hawkins. Miss Universe.
3. Angelina Jolie. I keep changing my mind about this one.
4. Eva Longoria. This is very much not a problem with her.
5. Natalie Blair. One of many non-ugly Neighbours performers.
6. Hilary Duff. Horrible as that song was, she most definitely does have it going on.
8. Delta Goodrem. Look on the bright side, KS; at least she’s there and highly placed (if down from 2).
9. Imogen Bailey. Model. Not one of my favourites.

11. Mischa Barton. There are women held up as the main reason for catching eyes on their shows who deserve such billing. Mischa Barton is not really one of them.
12. Natalie Portman. I’ll get slaughtered for saying this, but I’m not a member of her Barmy Army.
14. Jessica Alba. Still not high enough, dammit.
15. Natalie Imbruglia. One of the most successful Neighbours graduates, Johnny English notwithstanding.
16. Elisha Cuthbert. Imagine where she’d be if she was still on 24.
17. Jessica Simpson. Not the brightest, but so what?
18. Paris Hilton. As Radio 1’s Colin Murray pointed out, she has the IQ of a hamster – but I wouldn’t turn down a spot of bed action with her. Especially if she brought Nicky. (Her sister, of course, not her irritating pig-faced [and reportedly ex-]friend from The Simple Life.)
19. Teri Hatcher. Why is it always her and Eva Longoria? Doesn’t anybody want to make a case for Nicolette Sheridan or Marcia Cross?
20. Holly Valance. Last seen doing phoneline commercials. Not the kind that involve rolling around on a bed in lingerie, mind.
21. Gwen Stefani. Stiffening males everywhere in spite of having no breasts since 1994.
22. Alyssa Milano. Why is it always her? Doesn’t anybody want to make a case for Holly Marie Combs or Rose McGowan?
23. Brooke Burke. Higher than she was on the UK list.
24. Kylie Minogue. Gwen and Britney have much nicer bottoms, for a start…
25. Tammin Sursok. See Rebecca Cartwright.
27. Halle Berry. Pro: Turning up in person to collect her Razzie for Catwoman. Con: Making Catwoman in the first place.
29. Maria Sharapova. Ironically, in spite of winning Wimbledon and being a total fox, she’s still less famous than that other hot Russian blonde tennis player. So far.
32. Beyoncé Knowles. Hugely successful singer, rather less impressive actress.
33. Kate Beckinsale. As far as representatives from The Aviator go, better her and Gwen Stefani than Cate Blanchett.
36. Rachel Bilson. Is she really less deserving of drooling than Mischa Barton? Is she really?
37. Carmen Electra. Over to you, Dan Hartman – “Get out of town, get out of town…”
38. Cameron Diaz. She’s always here.
39. Britney Spears. Oh, Britney…
40. Katie Holmes. You can’t deny that Tom Cruise has extremely good taste.
42. Megan Gale. Australian model working in Italy. The cutest person in Bodyguards not called Cindy Crawford.
43. Hilary Swank. Um…
44. Keira Knightley. See Natalie Portman.
46. Ashlee Simpson. Well, at least her MTV show is over now (as is her sexier sister’s).
47. Jennifer Lopez. “…get out of town (out of town)…”
48. Charlize Theron. MuffinMan is… probably upset she isn’t higher. He has a point if he is.
49. Christina Aguilera. “…go north to Alaska, or south to Rio…”
50. Tara Reid. Mm. Shame about the implants.
55. Katie Price (Jordan). “…get out of town, get out of town…”
57. Lindsay Lohan. So the UK music charts aren’t the only place where she comes beneath Hilary…
58. The Olsen Twins. Let’s move on.
61. Gabrielle Richens. She’s a British model and occasional TV presenter.
62. Salma Hayek. No complaints.
65. Jenna Jameson. Why is it always her? Doesn’t anyone want to make a case for Sydney Moon or Vicki Richter?
66. Anna Nicole Smith. “…get out of town (out of town)…”
67. Scarlett Johansson. I’m sure she’ll come higher next year.
69. Jennifer Garner. Apparently Australian TV treats Alias even worse than UK TV. She deserves better. And in no way are Mary-Kate orAshley sexier than she is.
72. Annalise Braakensiek. Australian model-actress, leaning more towards the latter.
73. Jaime Pressly. Outbabed on Jack & Jill by Amanda Peet, just for openers.
74. Brigette Paroissien. KS tells she does a lot of advertising model work. Of course, Cindy Crawford has never been shy of commercialisation, but she’s a legend. Whereas who is this person?
75. Anna Kournikova. Is the gap between her and Maria Sharapova, sex appeal wise, really that big? No.
76. Bai Ling. From Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. She’s also due to appear in Playboy around the time the latter is released. Zhang Ziyi she ain't.
77. Kelly Brook. If she vanished off the face of the Earth tomorrow, I would not miss her.
78. Penèlope Cruz. Mmmmm. :)

79. Belinda Emmett. See Rebecca Cartwright.
81. Leeann Tweeden. Sports person/model. Nice.

82. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Hopefully she won’t be doing Garfield 2.
84. Gisele Bundchen. The debasement of the word “supermodel”continues.
86. Dannii Minogue. Unlike Ashlee, she really is preferable to her more famous sister.
88. Victoria Beckham. “…go through every red light, there’s a plane at midnight…”
89. Nicky Hilton. At least it wasn’t Nicole Richie.
90. Pamela Anderson. See Cameron Diaz.
93. Natalie Bassingthwaite. See Natalie Blair.
94. Alicia Keys. No, sorry.
100. Nicole Kidman. A Nicole I can and would love to get behind, but why so low?

And that is about the end of that, me old lovely. Again, not an inspiring lineup. All together now – “Bad taste knows no boundaries.” Still, Hilary Duff in the top 10…

Friday, May 06, 2005

Of course I didn't vote for Ivana Diamonds.

Britain is not ready to have incredibly sexy women who were born as men serving their country from No. 10 Downing Street. (The first person to make a joke about Margaret Thatcher will be horsewhipped.)

If you want to see who I did vote for, follow the link. (I am not joking.)

Monday, May 02, 2005

94.7%, anyone?

Sad, isn't it? At least Jen and KS have someone to look down on. Aren't I magnaminous?

I don't know why I bother. I really don't III: Season of the Witch.

Okay, so we’ve had the US version, the UK version and at the time of writing the first ten of the Australian version; now it’s time to see how the French readers of FHM cast their votes. I was so looking forward to this when I bought it from Borders yesterday; it just goes to show that sooner or later everyone lets you down. Without further ado, let’s do this thing… women I really wouldn't order out of bed at gunpoint in italics.

1. Paris Hilton. Jennifer is not going to take this well.

2. Angelina Jolie. She always seems to come near the top of these things.

3. Britney Spears. Mrs. Federline ranks so highly everywhere but the USA that it makes me wonder if something’s going on somewhere…

4. Jennifer Lopez. Her Assness is spending her fifth year in the Top 5, apparently.

5. Ingrid Chauvin. She’s an actress and the highest-ranking French woman in the Top 100.

6. Alyssa Milano. Charmed would be damaged if she left, but it would be destroyed if Holly left. Add to this the fact that Rose is more luscious, and my view that she’s the least attractive one stays.

7. Jennifer Garner. She, on the other hand, IS the sexiest one on her show (although some misguided people argue for Melissa George and/or Mia Maestro).

8. Elisha Cuthbert. Coming seven places below her co-star in House of Wax? Mm.

9. Monica Bellucci. This Italian feast for the eyes is even less worthy of coming below Paris Hilton than the others in the Top 10, but at least her voluptuous Meditteranean behind is well in front of several women who don’t deserve to be here at all.

10. Elodie Frege. She’s a graduate of Star Academy (yep, she’s a reality TV-generated singer) and thus as well known to the rest of the world as David Sneddon (graduate of the British version Fame Academy… like you care).

11. Carmen Electra. I know she has her fans, but I’ve never been one. Even if she did give Radio 1’s Edith Bowman striptease lessons.

12. Jenifer. See Elodie Frege.

13. Cecile de Menibus. TV presenter with a hilarious last name.

14. Halle Berry. It fits that Elektra should come above Catwoman.

15. Loana. She used to be on Loft Story (the French Big Brother) and now she models.

16. Melanie Coste. She seems to be into soft-porn…I've linked to her site.

17. Beyonce Knowles. Hugely successful and well-formed singer, quite successful shill, rather less successful actress.

18. Christina Aguilera. Please please please GO AWAY.

19. Sarah Michelle Gellar. I understand some people have a Grudge against her.

20. Ariane. From the French reality TV show Operation Seduction (seems something like Promiscious Idiots Island…).

21. Kylie Minogue. See Christina Aguilera.

22. Jessica Alba. And Butch, along with all right-thinking males, lesbians and bisexuals, fumes. As Femme Fatale pointed out, what does it say about society when this stunner has to go blonde before hitting the big time? (And what does it say about FHM readers that she comes, at best, 21 places below her rightful place?)

23. Elsa Pataky. Spanish actress. Beyond Re-Animator. Redubbed Halle Berry on the Spanish version of Robots. Not bad.

24. Cameron Diaz. As predictable as an episode of Scooby-Doo.

25. Elodie Gossuin. I’m not sure who she is, but I’m not sure I’d mind finding out.

26. Natacha Amal. She, on the other hand, is definitely an actress. Unlike Paris Hilton.

27. Charlize Theron. And MuffinMan breaks out the champagne.

28. Eve Angeli. Singer. French.

29. Anne-Gaelle Riccio. She presents pop music shows on Gallic TV and seems to be a French Cat Deeley. And just as cute.

30. Salma Hayek. She’s unlikely to be the cause of complaints.

31. Gisele Bundchen. She, on the other hand…

32. Lorie. One of many, many Britney wannabes.

33. Pamela Anderson. Good heavens, this woman has staying power…

34. Christina Milian. Nice. Her best record is still the theme from Kim Possible, however.

35. Emmanuelle Beart. She was yummy in Manon des Sources, and she is yummy now.

36. Gwen Stefani. What exactly is a Hollaback Girl? Who cares? Just look at this woman dammit…

37. Emma Daumas. The French Avril Lavigne. Do we even need the Canadian one?

38. Marjolaine. She also seems to be a singer.

39. Shakira. Come on, Miss Ripoll; it’s been too long. Your bottom is far superior to Kylie’s, for a start.

40. Catherine Zeta-Jones. Oh well.

41. Uma Thurman. I’m still not seeing Be Cool though (see also Christina Milian).

42. Tara Reid. Move along, people, nothing to see here.

43. Sonia Rolland. Miss France contestant/TV presenter.

44. Penelope Cruz. You can see down her shirt in Sahara, you know.

45. Keira Knightley. I can never make up my mind about her…

46. Laure Manaudou. French medal-winning athlete at the last Olympics. No Maria Sharapova.

47. Maria Sharapova. Unlike…

48. Laetitia Casta. Even the magazine couldn’t believe this gorgeous-even-with-those-teeth model/actress dropped 30 places. I demand an inquiry into what these people are drinking. And smoking.

49. Mylene Farmer. Chanteuse whose new single is called “Fuck Them All.” Hmmmm.

50. Lucy Liu. She’s in Domino. Screw KK, I’m seeing it for her.

51. Nicole Kidman. Two of my favourites having sharp 30-place plunges? Who compiled this, FD?

52. Heidi Klum. Mrs. Seal will be around for a while, though she’s never been one of my faves.

53. Sandra Lou. Another TV person… not for export.

54. Kirsten Dunst. Go get ‘em, tiger...

55. Avril Lavigne. See Christina Aguilera.

56. Eva Mendes. You are not now and never will be Cindy Crawford, as sexy as you are.

57. Elizabeth Hurley. Long-standing fave with many, though not me.

58. Laura. Yet another person from reality TV.

59. Severine Ferrer. Britney-lookalike TV presenter.

60. Sandrine Quetier. Another TV presenter.

61. Nadiya. She seems to be another athlete, who also does a bit of recording.

62. Hilary Duff. Incidentally, Lindsay Lohan isn’t here. No complaints from me.

63. Jenny McCarthy. Oh for fuck’s sake – this annoyance is still around?

64. Jordan. AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! She’s dropped 37 places, but another 37 at the very least wouldn’t have gone amiss.

65. Cecile de France. Cute French actress who hopefully will get another chance in the English-speaking world after Around the World in 80 Days.

66. Ophelie Winter. French singer/actress.

67. Jamelia. Pro: Nice singer, very lovely. Con: “Stop.”

68. Alizee. I hope TRL isn’t reading this, because last year this petite singer was at number 4. Only Britney (#1 last year, not on the US list at all this year) might envy her. Emphasis on might, given Miss Spears’ high ranking all over the rest of the world…

69. Milla Jovovich. No. No. No. No. No.

70. Noemie Lenoir. Not my favourite SI model.

71. Anna Kournikova. And on she goes…

72. Helene de Fougerolles. She looks like an actress.

73. Kelis. See Jenny McCarthy.

74. Fergie (from the Black Eyed Peas). Your magic does not work on me.

75. Lynnsha. Singer.

76. Marion Cotillard. She is what is known as a “comedienne” (i.e. an actress).

77. Karen Minier. Looks like a sports person on the interview side…

78. Laetitia Milot. A young actress and model (see also many others on this ranking).

79. Melissa Theuriau. News anchor.

80. Tonya Kinzinger. Also a TV personality. Not bad looking, I admit.

81. Nicky Hilton. So the set’s complete.

82. Virginie Elfra. She’s a TV presenter who’s very nice to look at, I have to admit.

83. Victoria Silvstedt. This woman is still engaging in Celebrity Wrestling over here. I refuse to watch her in it. Or anything.

84. Natalie Portman. I won’t comment, because I want people to speak to me again.

85. Muriel Cousin. She’s yet another TV presenter…

86. Nicole Richie. You have got to be kidding me. This must be a typo. She isn’t really here, right? Right?

87. Scarlett Johansson. The good news is, she’s higher than last year.

88. Francesca. Yet another person from Star Academy

89. Eva Kowalewska. I believe she is also an actress.

90. Dannii Minogue. She remains Kylie’s more fanciable sister.

91. Dorothy Doll. Another TV presenter.

92. Lou Doillon. Actress (Jane Birkin’s daughter).

93. Julia Roberts. Welcome back.

94. Alicia Keys. I’m dying of boredom now.

95. Kate Beckinsale. Well, at least they didn’t have Cate Blanchett.

96. Marlene Mourreau. Model? TV person certainly. Very tasty.

97. Audrey Tautou. Amelie forever!

98. Anna Nicole Smith. I just had a horrible dream in which Anna Nicole Smith was declared one of the world’s sexiest women. Tell me that was just a dream. Please.

99. Diane Kruger. This epitome of blandness? Give me strength.

100. Jessica Simpson. Not terribly bright, true, but still...

Once again, bad taste knows no boundaries. Although having two French women and six Americans in the Top 10 is encouraging towards Franco-American relations, any list with Jordan AND Nicole Richie, even in low places, is... is... I need a drink. And I don't even drink.