Monday, June 19, 2006

Apparently fifty million Frenchmen can be wrong.

Having had the US one, the UK one and the Australian one, we now have a look at how French FHM readers voted. Someone must have put something in the water there, because... well, see for yourself. As ever, ones I approve of in italics.

1. Adriana Karembeu. Model, and apparently wife of a footballer. Hm.
2. Naomi Watts. She's nice, but not that nice.
3. Tara Reid. You will hear the phrase "Is this a joke?" mentioned a lot here. This, with all due respect to KMB, is the first instance.
4. AngelifuckoffFUCKOFFFUCKOFF!!!!!
5. Alyssa Milano. Depending on how far M6 is along (the French channel that shows Charmed), she may not be this high next year.
6. Ségoléne Royal. French politician, tipped as the next President of the Republic and a cross, as such, between Hillary Clinton and Carol Vorderman. Having Googled her, she's certainly no Ann Widdecombe, but nonetheless we are very definitely in "Is this a joke?" territory methinks. Frankly, she's no Benazir Bhutto.
7. Poppy Montgomery. Star of FBI, Portes disparus - or as we know it, Without A Trace.
8. Loana. Model/TV presenter.
9. Laure Manaudou. Athlete swimming her way up.
10. Jessica Simpson. Last year she was at 100.
11. Carmen Electra. Last year she was... right here.
12. Brooke Burke. All because of Burger King, Rock Star:INXS and marrying that fellow who used to be Matt on Baywatch.
13. Cameron Diaz. Will she ever be off this thing?
14. Cecile de France. Cute French actress who hopefully will get another chance in the English-speaking world after Around the World in 80 Days. (I said it last year, but it still applies.)
15. Penelope Cruz. Soon to be teaming up with Salma Hayek. Yum.
16. Nathalie Marquay. Another TV presentrice. Nice.
17. Kate Beckinsale. I hope KS doesn't mind, since Rachel isn't here.
18. Virginie Elfra. Beautiful TV person.
19. Charlize Theron. That Dior commercial where she takes off all her clothes can't have hurt. 20. Ingrid Chauvin. French thespian.
21. Yasmine. Adult performer, apparently. FHM cover subject, definitely.
22. Marie Drucker. France 3 newsperson. They have some sexy anchors in France.
23. Sonia Rolland. Miss France contestant/TV presenter. (I said that last year, I admit.)
24. Maud. And then there's... a graduate of Star Academy.
25. Bérénice Bejo. Actress.
26. Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson. Be off, and take your lady lumps with you.
27. Eve Angeli. Singer.
28. Jennifer Garner. Still hanging in there, rightly.
29. Elsa Pataky. Spanish actress due to be in the next Asterix film. As is, less appealingly... to be continued.
30. Jessica Alba. 30? 30? Is this a joke?
31. Tera Patrick. Porn continues to go all mainstream on us.
32. Maria Sharapova. The hair... the legs... the buns...
33. Dita Von Teese. But what's wrong with Heather Sweet (her real name)?
34. Jennifer Lopez. Oh no, not Dallas. Please.
35. Elisha Cuthbert. Imagine how higher she'd be if she was still a regular on 24.
36. Anggun. Singer.
37. Pink. No.
38. Evangeline Lilly. I don't know... I think I like Yunjin Kim more.
39. Uma Thurman. Sorry I didn't see The Producers. I think.
40. Claire Keim. Tress of the ac variety.
41. Elizabeth Hurley. Replaced on the second series of Project Catwalk by Kelly Fucking Osbourne.
42. Emma Daumas. The French Avril Lavigne and another Star Academy graduate.
43. Famke Janssen. Lovely, but done no favours at the MTV Movie Awards; not only was her bit painfully unfunny, but she had to stand next to Rebecca Romijn. Then again...
44. Victoria Silvstedt. See #4.
45. Kate Bosworth. I'd rather have Erica Durance's Lois Lane than hers, cheers.
46. Natalie Portman. No comment.
47. Laetitia Casta. Always worth it.
48. Anna Mouglalis. Huge-eyed model.
49. Eva Mendes. She's nice, but she's not Cindy.
50. Nicole Scherzinger. I do, in fact, think about her (BEEP). Often.
51. Shakira. Those hips do not lie.
52. Milla Jovovich. Is this a joke?
53. Clémence Castel. Host of the French Fear Factor.
54. Mélissa Theuriau. TF1 newscaster, whose topless pics and general lookerness explain the links.
55. Anne-Sophie Lapix. French TV presenters, eh?
56. Eva Longoria. Is there any country that's immune to Desperate Housewives?
57. Vanessa Hessler. Model.
58. Diane Kruger. Is this a joke?
59. Cecile de Menibus. TV presenter with a hilarious last name. Again, what I wrote last year.

60. Alice Taglioni. Strong-looking comedienne.
61. Gisele Bundchen. Go away. AND she's in the next Asterix film it looks like.
62. Nadiya. R&B singer.
63. Kelly Carlson. Is this a joke?
64. Clara Morgane. See Tera Patrick.
65. Marion Cotillard. Actress.
66. Sophie Marceau. Welcome back.
67. Frédérique Bal. Actress... looks like a younger, hotter Lisa Kudrow.
68. Alexandra Rosenfeld. Miss France 2006.
69. Teri Hatcher. See Eva Longoria.
70. Mariah Carey. Below her sexual inferior? As #50 would put it, "Ha! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-HA!"
71. Gwen Stefani. And may stay down here, what with the kid and all.
72. Elodie Gossuin. TV person, apparently hosting the French The Swan.
73. Sharon Stone. Is this a joke?
74. Pamela Anderson. Like her recent sitcom, down the chart.
75. Halle Berry. Does she deserve to be this low?
76. Heidi Klum. Seal? Ah well.
77. Eva Green. Not entirely sure, myself.
78. Jenifer. Reality pop singer.
79. Naomi Campbell. Hmph.
80. Barbara Cabrita. Actress.
81. Rebecca Romijn. Why is she below Halle and Famke?
82. Lindsay Lohan. Ummmm... okay.
83. Kate Moss. Is this a joke?
84. Paris Hilton. She was #1 last year. Ouchie.
85. Scarlett Johansson. The good news is, she’s higher than last year.
86. Christine Carnaud. Quite dishy sports presenter.
87. Salma Hayek. Why is she so low?
88. Beyonce Knowles. Blame The Pink Panther for her drop.
89. Mélanie Thierry. Kate Moss-lookalike actress.
90. Caterina Murino. Sultry-looking actress.
91. Monica Bellucci. Okay, this HAS to be a joke.
92. Mélanie Doutey. Very attractive thespian.
93. Lorie. The French Britney (or a French Britney), only sans a Federline.
94. Keira Knightley. A vast difference from her UK placing.
95. Rosario Dawson. Tasty.
96. Cindy. Not Crawford, alas. A contestant from Nouvelle Star (the French version of Pop Idol).
97. Ariane Brodier. TV personality. Grew a last name, dropped 77 places.
98. Laetitia Millot. Actress. The lesser of two Laetitias on this thing.
99. Kirsten Dunst. Bet she vanishes after the Marie Antoinette movie...
100. Mélissa Mars. Singer.

If nothing else, at least Christina Aguileraisacunt, Kylie Minogue, Nicole Richie and Catherine Zeta-Jones aren't on it. But then neither are Audrey Tautou and Christina Milian...

3 comments:

The Archivist said...

Kate Beckinsale over Rachel Bilson? That'll do me until Jen explains why I shouldn't obliterate France. (hint, hint)

Sometimes it was a little hard to tell if you meant "This is a joke" as in the placing, or "This is a joke" as in "why the fuck is she here?"

I love Mélissa Theuriau's looks.

Cindylover1969 said...

Tip: If the woman's in italics, it's the placing. If not, it's the actual being there in the first place...

MuffinMan said...

So, uh, where exactly can I SEE this Dior commercial ;), since apparently it won't be seen in the USA (piss on Bush for signing that "decency" bill, BTW ;(( )?? And this "Project Catwalk" thing in the UK must be batshit out of their mind (at least our "Project Runway" has enough sense to hang onto Heidi :) )! Nice to see Rosario on one of these lists, at least (to end on a nice note) ;))...