Friday, April 22, 2005

I don't know why I bother. I really don't II: The next day.

In the tradition of my good friend Jennifer complaining about the US FHM rundown, it's my turn to do the same for my country's (expect Kira's Slave to feature the Australian one). Now, one problem with it is that each country's list in recent years has had the same person be at the top slot; they've put a stop to that, thankfully. Now, instead of each list being juryrigged, they're individually crappy (except the French one, of course; any country responsible for Laetitia Casta, Emmanuelle Beart and Virginie Ledoyen is unlikely to really screw such a thing up. Think about it; the Americans spawned Anna Nicole Smith, the British were responsible for Jordan, but have the French given the world a sex symbol who's turned out to be utter cack? Ever?).

Anyway, here's this year's lineup according to the UK readers. This is getting depressing... my favourites in italics.

1. Kelly Brook. Okay, she's very tasty, but I just cannot excuse Maxim promoting her as "the new Cindy Crawford." Or the British tabloids for trying to persuade us she's the Next Big Thing in the US. Or Kelly herself for being on Smallville.

2. Cheryl Tweedy. Oh fuck off. Nobody from Girls Aloud has any business being here.

3. Angelina Jolie. I never can make up my mind.

4. Michelle Ryan. She's from EastEnders, if you must know.

5. Elisha Cuthbert. Kim Bauer may be gone, but her body lives on.

6. Britney Spears. If there's one thing this list got right, it's having her.

7. Abi Titmuss. Great body, cute, but so what?

8. Sarah Harding. See Cheryl Tweedy.

9. Beyoncé Knowles. Hm.

10. Charlotte Church. Going off the rails or growing up?

11. Eva Longoria. Let's face it, they were hardly likely to vote for Felicity Huffman...

12. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Too bad her last movie was for Oxygen.

13. Rachel Stevens. Not likely to have been on account of her records.

14. Lindsay Lohan. Insert "Fully Loaded" joke here.

15. Carmen Electra. Ick.

16. Lucy Pinder. Yum... but even Samantha Fox tried to do something.

17. Jennifer Ellison. No.

18. Keira Knightley. Eye-catching during movies, but doesn't hang around afterwards.

19. Alyssa Milano. Why is the least attractive of the Charmed Ones the only one here?

20. Christina Aguilera. Go away.

21. Louise Redknapp. The anti-Victoria Beckham; FHM model who moonlights as a singer.

22. Jennifer Lopez. Let's just move on.

23. Paris Hilton. Mmmm...okay...

24. Kirsty Gallacher. Hardly yucky.

25. Katie Holmes. Also hardly yucky.

26. Natalie Pike. I have no idea.

27. Halle Berry. Even after Catwoman.

28. Tina O'Brien. From Coronation Street.

29. Victoria Silvstedt. Her career leads from Playboy to Celebrity Wrestling on ITV1. Saints preserve us.

30. Jessica Simpson. Cute.

31. Jennifer Garner. Why is this beauty not higher? And is she really engaged to Ben Affleck?

32. Michelle Marsh. Blonde glamour model who pals around with colleague Lucy Pinder and who, unlike Lucy, isn't shy about showing the lot.

33. Joss Stone. Janis Joplin without the rough edges, among other things.

34. Tera Patrick. The first actual porn star here, and not the last.

35. Nadine Coyle. See Cheryl Tweedy.

36. Maria Sharapova. Face it, Maria, you turn people on...

37. Kylie Minogue. See Christina Aguilera.

38. Nikki Sanderson. See Tina O'Brien.

39. Delta Goodrem. Well, that's KS satisfied (if not Jen, MuffinMan, KMB, Butch, me...).

40. Anna Kournikova. Okay, that's the Hot Tennis Player demographic satisfied.

41. Tanya Robinson. The first winner of FHM's High Street Honeys contest, and a model. I do not care.

42. Holly Valance. Cute phone shill.

43. Kristin Kreuk. Not really.

44. Kimberley Walsh. See Cheryl Tweedy.

45. Kayleigh Pearson. See Tanya Robinson.

46. The Olsen Twins. Yes, of course they're sexier than Hilary Duff. Of course they are.

47. Denise Richards. I didn't go for her then, and I don't now.

48. Kirsten Dunst. Mmmmm.

49. Jordan. A woman who, as Javine noted in this very issue, entirely believes her own hype. As do too many others.

50. Pamela Anderson. Pammie recently attended a Las Vegas wrestling match with Cindy Crawford. The wrong woman is in this list. (This also applies to Victoria Silvstedt, since she and Cindy were in the appalling Italian comedy Bodyguards.)

51. Sarah Michelle Gellar. Actually, Buffy Summers is less sexy than Sydney Bristow...

52. Heidi Klum. Er, well...

53. Cameron Diaz. Only one woman has featured on every FHM lineup since the first one back in 1995, and she's it.

54. Monica Bellucci. Oh for fuck's sake. Are you seriously telling me that this magazine's readership think this goddess is less hot than Jordan? And the Olsen Twins? And 80% of Girls Aloud? Are they on crack or what?

55. Christina Milian. Not bad at all.

56. Charlotte Marshall. Who?

57. Jessica Alba. What I wrote about Monica Bellucci applies here too, and then some. The lower reaches for a woman who's Top Five material at the very least? Come on...

58. Mariah Carey. Welcome back, Mariah.

59. Sienna Miller. Better known for hanging around Jude Law than for acting.

60. Eva Mendes. You're nice, but you're not Cindy C.

61. Fearne Cotton. Presents TV shows which I don't watch.

62. Billie Piper. Now that her musical career has been destroyed by Britney, is now the assistant to the new Doctor Who.

63. Teri Hatcher. Er, no.

64. Mischa Barton. It would help if she could act.

65. Lisa Snowdon. Nice, but something (is it her inability to shut up about George Clooney, or her general uselessness?) gets in the way.

66. Jodi Albert. From Hollyoaks.

67. Cat Deeley. Very cute.

68. Scarlett Johansson. Tasty.

69. Laila Rouass. From Footballer's Wives, apparently.

70. Leanne Wilson. I have no idea.

71. Holly Willoughby. Presenter of the Saturday morning show Ministry Of Mayhem.

72. Liv Tyler. LIV!!!

73. Sophie Howard. Another glamour model. Has large breasts and black hair.

74. Natalie Portman. Not a fan, but I know some who are...

75. Jenna Jameson. And we're back to the porn stars.

76. Lucy Liu. So where's Drew Barrymore?

77. Nicola Roberts. She is NOT the only member of Girls Aloud to be less hot than Jessica Alba. Believe me.

78. Jennifer Aniston. At least they let in the most attractive ex-Friend.

79. Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. My, what a non-surprise.

80. Estella Warren. You do realise her last major movie was Kangaroo Jack, right?

81. Eliza Dushku. Her Tru Calling is surely higher.

82. Tara Reid. Unlike hers.

83. Anastacia. You'd think someone with such an amazing body would be higher, really.

84. Dannii Minogue. Kylie's tastier sister.

85. Kate Beckinsale. Ah.

86. Dido. You are feeling sleepy...

87. Brooke Burke. Yes. Definitely.

88. Jamie-Lynn DiScala. I doubt it.

89. Jamelia. Nice.

90. Shannon Elizabeth. Hm.

91. Rachel Bilson. Comes below her inferior on The O.C.

92. Jill Halfpenny. Not really.

93. Fergie (the Black Eyed Peas one). No.

94. Tiffani Thiessen. Not bad.

95. Hilary Duff. Why is she so low?

96. Nicole Kidman. And her?

97. Salma Hayek. And her?

98. Frankee. Why is this woman here? (Oh yeah, the jugs.)

99. Avril Lavigne. See Christina Aguilera.

100. Catherine Bell. Comes on the list just as JAG is cancelled.

You know, I really should stop with these things... the moment Cindy left the lineup it became dire. Bad taste crosses all boundaries - there are some nice choices, but any list like this that includes Jordan is officially shit. No?


The Archivist said...

Yup, I'll be featuring the Aussie rundown. With hopefully more insightful comments, considering I will have the opinions of most of my fellow bloggers by then.

Cuthbert, Longoria! Yes! Anyone else, considering REAL BEAUTIES have been left off (Prepon, Crawford, Theron and Lahana, McGowan) is just gravy.

The Archivist said...

Wow. It took MuffinMan pointing it point-blank out for me to even realise Delta Goodrem was on the UK list. I feel embarrassed.

But yes, oddly satisfied. Though still pissed that Aless and Emma are not on the list.