Australian teenage mermaids > Nicolas Cage. Discuss.

Last night I went to see Ghost Rider and did not care for it (it came from the man who also did Daredevil, which at least had Jennifer Garner)... any Marvel adaptation without Stan Lee appearing is doomed from the get-go, plus crap merchant David S. Goyer (Blade: Trinity, Threshold) was involved. Trying to be campy while taking your basic story seriously is a tough trick to pull off, and this not being Xena: Warrior Princess it didn't make it - in fact, it was laughable (starting with Peter Fonda's hair). But I did like

a) the moment where Nicolas Cage and Sam Elliott go riding across the desert leaving trails of fire while a rock cover of "Ghost Riders In The Sky" plays,

b) the cute blonde waitress in the bar, who sadly got iced by the main villain,

c) Eva "lowrent Cindy Crawford" Mendes's impressive cleavage and bodacious backside (even if she was otherwise useless... but then again so was N. Cage, Esq.),

d) Christopher Young's score in lieu of endless songs, which is a decent dry run for Spider-Man 3, and

e) Er... that's it.

The ads before the movie included one from Nickelodeon for H2O: Just Add Water, which is a pretty weird juxtaposition - is there really an overlap of audiences for films about demonically possessed motorbike riders and fantasy series aimed at tweenage girls? (Well, in some parts yes.) Mind you, if it was down to choosing between Ghost Rider 2 and watching Australian girls deal with turning into mermaids, I'd go for the latter any day. The series starts in April, so that's one to set the video for.

Why this blog will never be called The Naomi Spot. Ever.

Okay, so while Googling for Cindy - it's a tradition - I come across this post by a gay gossip blogger (not as redundant as it seems, honest) extolling the virtues of Naomi Campbell turning community service into a PR exercise and praising her for being too useless to be doing anything but still walking up and down catwalks... er, working it for top designers.

I said: Cindy Crawford may be retired and raising a family and Naomi Campbell may still be working the runways, but Cindy is still an appealing class act and Naomi is still... working the runways.

He said in response: True nuff, that. :) Thanks for the comment. :)

Since the original blog was hardly an attack on NC, either he missed the point or he got it completely. Whatever, it's a chance to post Cindy's spread from German Vogue. Doesn't get the headlines, but doesn't get them for the right reasons. If you see what I mean.

The Heroes drinking game.

Well, one of them. To while away the days before it comes back from hiatus (for the record, Sci-Fi is up to Chapter Six), here's one put together by various Internet Movie Database fans of the show as it is at the time of posting, including non-drinking me. (For the benefit of my Australian friend, mild spoilers removed.)

Sip a beer if:
Peter brushes his hair out of his face.
Hiro pushes his glasses up his nose.
Mohinder says "My father's research."
Nathan laughs at Peter.
A shadowy figure appears.
Claire regenerates.
Claire cries.
There is a plot twist of any kind. (WARNING: May result in serious liver damage.)
Hiro speaks broken English to a person of authority.
Sylar kills someone.
Zach is referenced as being gay.
DL phases through something.
Hiro mentions his destiny.
Ando drools over a girl.

Chug a beer if:
A new hero appears.
Sylar cuts someone's head open.
Hiro says "Yatta!" and flings his arms out.
Niki/Jessica swap places more than once.
Sylar gives you that creepy vibe.
There's a close up of Claire looking scared or disappointed.
You have to guess whether Niki's herself or Jessica.
Ando gives a rebuttal to any of Hiro's plans.
Nathan acts like a prick.
The "symbol" shows up.
Peter learns a new power.
Claire is NOT in an episode - In fact, chug three (it'll never happen).
The Haitian says something.
Mohinder's accent changes.
We find out Claire's dad's first name.
We find out if Claire's mom (Mrs. Bennet) is dead.
Mrs. Bennet hugs Mr. Muggles. (You're gonna get drunk tonight with this one...)
Ali Larter acts badly. (You'll be smashed before the half hour point.)
The episode ends with some kind of pretentious voiceover from Mohinder.
A non-Asian character speaks Japanese (twice if they're actually not bad at it).

Take a shot if:
Peter uses someone else's power.
Something HUGE is revealed.
Someone important dies.
Mr. Muggles makes an appearance.
They say any name brand (like Nissan Versa).
We find out that another random person is in on the whole thing.
Janice Parkman is in an episode.
Hiro manages to get a girlfriend.
Chandra Suresh isn't dead after all.
Sylar does not appear in an episode.

Down a bottle of Vodka (you can choose the brand) if:
It is ever revealed that Mr. Muggles has a power.
Any of the heroes wears a costume and fights crime.
The show gets cancelled.
Mohinder doesn't die. (He totally deserves to and you know it)
Janice Parkman is revealed to have a power.
A non-hot female character who has a power becomes a regular.
Chandra Suresh is not only alive, but behind it all, too!
Sylar becomes a good guy.
Neither Hiro nor Claire appear in an episode.

Salut!

Avril Lavigne is the new David Byrne.

Years ago, Zeta (my younger, much smarter and more successful sister) told me that David Byrne had the right idea going into movies because his singing left something to be desired. Similarly, Avril Lavigne's best moment to date is voicing William Shatner's daughter in Over the Hedge, not least because she doesn't sing a note. (On the other hand, the end credits of Eragon have the pintsized skid mark belting her heart out. No wonder it underperformed.) All of which doesn't take away from "Girlfriend" being less unbearable than usual, even if it's so conceited it could be by Kelis.

Too bad it's real easy to go "Oh Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind" to the chorus. Try it.

This is like asking me to help put together a list of 50 Greatest Reggae Albums.

The Observer's highly uninfluential Music Monthly released their list of the 50 Greatest Movie Soundtracks today. The editor Caspar Llewellyn Smith 'fessed up that he isn't actually that much of an expert, and even allowing for the assembled panel (including David Arnold, Anne Dudley and Michael Nyman) it shows.

1. The Wizard of Oz Composer: Herbert Stothart. Songs by Harold Arlen / EY Harburg (1939)
2. Psycho Bernard Herrmann (1959)
3. Star Wars John Williams (1977)
4. Pather Panchali Ravi Shankar (1955)
5. A Clockwork Orange Wendy Carlos (1971)
6. A Fistful Of Dollars Ennio Morricone (1964)
7. The Adventures of Robin Hood Erich Wolfgang Korngold (1938)
8. Alexander Nevsky Sergei Prokofiev (1938)
9. Shaft Isaac Hayes (1971)
10. Lift To The Scaffold Miles Davis (1958)
11. Singin' In The Rain Arthur Freed / Nacio Herb Brown (1952)
12. Trainspotting Compiler: Danny Boyle (1996)
13. High Noon Dimitri Tiomkin (1952)
14. Blade Runner Vangelis (1982)
For years the original synthesiser soundtrack was officially unavailable, with a horrible orchestral version being rejected by fans in favour of a hard-to-find unofficial 'Offworld' edition. Since the early Nineties, however, a CD replete with outtake cues and dialogue fragments has become a must-have item for all serious soundtrack collectors. The future never sounded so good. (Mark Kermode, apparently unaware that there's an official and non-bootlegged edition out there.)
15. 2001 Compiler: Stanley Kubrick (1968)
16. American Graffiti Compiler: George Lucas (1973)
17. American Beauty Thomas Newman (1999)
18. Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me Angelo Badalamenti (1992)
19. Paris, Texas Ry Cooder(1984)
20. On Her Majesty's Secret Sevice John Barry (1969)
21. Dougal and the Blue Cat Narrator: Eric Thompson (1972)
22. Gone With The Wind Max Steiner (1939)
23. The Godfather Nino Rota (1972)
24. West Side Story Leonard Bernstein (1957)
25. Slade In Flame Songs by Slade (1974)
26. The Third Man Anton Karas (1949)
27. The Graduate Simon and Garfunkel (score by Dave Grusin, as everyone forgets) (1968)
28. The Pink Panther Henry Mancini (1963)
29. Toy Story Randy Newman (1995)
30. Round Midnight Herbie Hancock (1986)
31. Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai The Rza (1999)
32. Trouble Man Marvin Gaye (1972)
33. Rosemary's Baby Krzysztof Komeda (1968)
34. Head The Monkees (1968)
35. Alfie Sonny Rollins (1966)
36. The Italian Job Quincy Jones (1969)
37. Once Upon A TIme In America Ennio Morricone (1984)
38. One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest Jack Nitzsche (1975)
39. North By Northwest Bernard Herrmann (1959)
40. Crooklyn Various (1994)
41. Deliverance Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandel (1972)
42. Don't Look Now Pino Donaggio (1973)
43. Casablanca Max Steiner (1942)
44. On The Waterfront Leonard Bernstein (1954)
45. Reservoir Dogs Various (1992)
46. The Magnificent Seven Elmer Bernstein (1960)
47. Snow Falling On Cedars James Newton Howard (1999)
48. The Wicker Man Paul Giovanni (1973)
49. Dirty Harry Lalo Schifrin (1971)
50. The Devil In Miss Jones Alden Shuman (1973)

Pah.

Norbit: The same entertainment value as a blog entry dissing Hayden Panettiere.

Which is to say, none whatsoever.

Okay, the wedding climax which Eddie Griffin takes over for stalling purposes so Eddie Murphy can get there in time does have its moments, but it's too little and too late to save the movie from really making me nostalgic for Daddy Day Care. Or even Harlem Nights.


Amazing Rick Baker makeup, true, and Murphy actually does do quite well in his three roles (Norbit, his Tyrannosaurus-sized shrewish wife Rasputia, and the Chinese orphanage owner who brought him up), but the material isn't here at all (and since Murphy has co-story and co-screenplay credit, he has to have a lot of the blame). Borderline offensive - you can imagine Spike Lee's reaction to how every stereotype known to man comes along here (then again, he's not exactly renowned for his positive female characters himself), horrendously unfunny, and apart from the scenes with Thandie Newton lacking any kind of charm, it's hard not to believe the rumours that this cost Eddie Murphy an Oscar for Dreamgirls.

Mind you, I should have known this would be crap with Griffin and Cuba Gooding Jr. in the cast... kudos to David Newman for valiantly trying to add a touch of humanity to the movie with his music and actually succeeding sometimes, though. I guarantee these pictures will do more for you than Norbit did. And they won't cost you anything.

And yes, they have turned up on lots of other blogs, but I'd rather see Hayden humping the Stanley Cup 100 times than see Norbit again. A pox on bloggers bashing her, which is where we came in.

Mr. B, one for your collection...

Although I wish Robert Rodriguez would a) stop getting so much help in scoring his own movies (at least John Carpenter did his by himself for the most part) and b) stop scoring his own movies... (Mind you, still beats Quentin "Now what can I use from my record collection this time?" Tarantino - his half of Grindhouse has its own song album on Maverick.)

Jen: Woah...can Rose even sing?
Me: She sang on an episode of Charmed. She wasn't bad - she can certainly sing better than Sarah Michelle Gellar.
Jen: So can most cats ;-)
Me: So can you, probably. ;-)

1. Grindhouse (Main Titles) (Robert Rodriguez) (3:30)
2. Doc Block (Robert Rodriguez & Carl Thiel) (2:03)
3. The Sickos (Robert Rodriguez & Graeme Revell) (1:39)
4. You Belong To Me - Rose McGowan (Pee Wee King, Chilton Price & Redd Stewart) (2:15)
5. Go Go Not Cry Cry (Robert Rodriguez & Rick Del Castillo) (1:09)
6. Hospital Epidemic (Graeme Revell & Robert Rodriguez) (1:16)
7. Useless Talent #32 - Rose McGowan (Rebecca Rodriguez & Robert Rodriguez) (3:11)
8. His Prescription... Pain (Robert Rodriguez & Carl Thiel) (:55)
9. Cherry Darling (Robert Rodriguez) (1:01)
10. The Grindhouse Blues (Robert Rodriguez) (3:01)
11. El Wray (Robert Rodriguez) (1:18)
12. Police Station Assault (Robert Rodriguez) (1:33)
13. Dakota (Robert Rodriguez & Carl Thiel) (2:27)
14. Zero To Fifty In Four (Robert Rodriguez) (1:35)
15. Fury Road (Robert Rodriguez) (2:03)
16. Helicopter Sicko Chopper (Graeme Revell & Robert Rodriguez) (1:22)
17. The Ring In The Jacket (Robert Rodriguez & George Oldziey) (1:34)
18. Killer Legs (Robert Rodriguez & Rick Del Castillo) (2:14)
19. Melting Member (Graeme Revell & Robert Rodriguez) (1:51)
20. Too Drunk To Fuck - Nouvelle Vague (Jello Biafra) (2:12)
21. Cherry's Dance Of Death - CHINGON (Robert Rodriguez) (3:26)
22. Two Against The World - Rose McGowan (Rebecca Rodriguez & Robert Rodriguez) (2:08)

Cindy > Tyra.

End of.

What have I learned?

I learned that Hilary Duff performing at G-A-Y goes a long way towards atoning for the sight of Courtney Love in Trapped.

I learned that it's good for Sharon to finally win something more than £5 on the lottery.

I learned that the producers of Law & Order: Criminal Intent have only a nodding acquaintance with the concept of "shame."

I learned that the online Heroes comics at NBC's site are the first comic books in a very, very, very long time that I've read, due to my interest in such things being otherwise just about non-existent. Even after seeing the Superman movies, the X-Men movies, the Spider-Man movies, Fantastic Four, Daredevil and even The Phantom.

I learned that I deeply hate getting home too late to make any kind of proper dinner for myself

I learned that I'm too self-absorbed.

Saturday night's all right, right?

Title's because of when this is being done. Okay, so Anne Hathaway's going to go from playing Jane Austen to playing Agent 99. This is great in a way, especially if you're Brandon, but even with great sounding casting (Steve Carell, Alan Arkin and... er, The Rock as well) the idea of a Get Smart movie is loaded with potential for going wrong wrong wrong. Not as much as this, I admit (and whose great idea was that, I'd like to know?), but really.

What's bothered me most about the likes of Bewitched and Starsky and Hutch (apart from their not being very good, especially Bewitched) was that the makers never felt they could trust the basic material - the former became an impossibly overclever mess (would it have hurt Nora Ephron to just do it properly instead of turning it into a cackhanded tribute?), and the latter fell victim to the pre-and-post-Life On Mars need to send up everything from the 1970s (I didn't mind it so much with the Charlie's Angels movies for some reason, maybe because I never cared for that particular show when I was a boy). The Brady Bunch Movie and its sequel are one thing because it kept the basic template of the show but moved everything else forward. Plus they were both damned funny.

Similarly, The Fugitive never tried to screw around with its source, and look how well that turned out. Even George of the Jungle managed to not suck (unlike just about every other liveaction movie from a cartoon). But Get Smart... the odds are just too against it. Still, high odds beat no odds.