Saturday, September 17, 2005

Hall Of Famers at last...

Butch was right. I should have sorted out who the number two is... join me as I take you on a tour through the other women who, at one time or another, may well have caused this to have another name. (Playboy Playmates and women of that ilk sadly don't count, and neither do women who I like a lot but not that much, like the Jennifers Garner and Love Hewitt. People I've been accused of liking [rightly or wrongly] but who didn't quite go all the way, like Jennifer Beals and Nastassja Kinski, are also not here.) Starting with my first real love:

Rosanna Arquette
How old is she? 46.
What does she do? She acts, occasionally directs (Searching For Debra Winger).
First seen by me: In The Dark Secret of Harvest Home.
First really seen by me: In One Cooks, The Other Doesn't. So much did Rosanna make my 15-year-old heart flame in subsequent years that I actually bought the 1988 10 Most Beautiful Women issue of Harper's Bazaar primarily for her, as opposed to the woman on the cover (one C. Crawford).
Hit it big: In 1985, when Desperately Seeking Susan came out.
Noted for: Girlish image (then, and still sort of now), marrying musicians, having the world's sexiest overbite.
Big in Europe?: Oh yes. She actually won a Best Supporting Actress BAFTA for Desperately Seeking Susan (although she, er, was the main character) and did a fair amount of work on the Continent and England (which explains The Big Blue).
Highs: The Executioner's Song, 1985 in general, being the subject of Toto's Grammy-winning hit song "Rosanna," marrying James Newton Howard (who also did the music for two of her movies, before they got hitched).
Lows: Nowhere To Hide, The Big Blue (she hated the movie, like so many others), most of her work since the early 1990s. Even she couldn't save The Whole Nine Yards. (I might have seen the sequel had they brought her back, though.) I also count After Hours as a low personally, due to it being one of the few movies where she dies.
Does she do TV?: She did a lot of it earlier in her career, and she's doing it again now - The L Word, Summerland, the season premiere of Malcolm in the Middle, and What About Brian? Not to mention TV movies of variable quality throughout (Promised A Miracle, The Wrong Man and Son of the Morning Star yes, I Saw What You Did, Poison and Rush of Fear no).
Does she do nudity? Well, Mr. Skin's Skincyclopedia gives her a Hall of Fame Rating on the Skin-O-Meter, from S.O.B. in 1981 ("I was the other girl besides Julie Andrews who showed her tits for Blake Edwards" - sadly both sets were snipped when I saw it on CBC in Barbados, spoilsports) to Diary of a Sex Addict in 2002. To be honest, though, I would adore her even if she isn't
very casual with her body.
How much do I like her? I paid to see Club Paradise twice just to see the trailer for 8 Million Ways To Die, because it wasn't shown the first time. And I'd already seen the movie on video (being out on video was no barrier to movies getting cinema showings in the Caribbean back then).
Written to her? Yes, but I never got a reply.
Written about her? Yes, in Cindy Inc's "Sister Act III."
Comments: Patricia Shmatricia... all I wanna do when I wake up in the morning is see your eyes, Rosanna Rosanna.

Paula Abdul
How old is she? 43.
What does she do? Cheerleader-turned-choreographer-turned-pop star-turned-actress-turned-sweet-natured judge.
First seen by me: In the credits for movies ranging from The Running Man to Coming to America.
First really seen by me: In the bit during the video for "Straight Up" where she knocks her knees together while going "Oh-oh-oh..."
Hit it big: In 1989, when Forever Your Girl' s singles and videos took off.
Noted for: Fantastic dancing, never admitting to being a great singer, big name choreography clients, mole on left cheek, having four US #1's off her first album, having weight difficulties.
Big in Europe? She wasn't unknown, but she never had a UK #1 - she came closest with "Opposites Attract" which topped off at #2, thwarted by Adamski's "Killer." (To rub it in, the next #1 was Madonna with "Vogue.") She did, however, win the Smash Hits Award for Best Video.
Highs: 1989-91 (hit singles, doing the Academy Awards as choreographer and presenter), all her videos (especially "Straight Up," "Opposites Attract" and "Rush Rush").
Lows: Being snubbed at the 1990 MTV Music Video Awards, the Yvette Marine "It was me singing" thing, bulimia, marriage problems, her music career post-Spellbound.
Does she do TV? That's how she got back to being famous, but even before American Idol she'd done the odd bit of TV acting (sitcom guest spots here, the TV movie The Waiting Game there).
Does she do nudity? Unlike other late 80s pop warblers (Debbie Gibson, Tiffany, Jody Watley, Belinda Carlisle), Paula has yet to strip naked in front of cameras.
How much do I like her? Most of my letters to fan magazines were about her; she is one of the main reasons why I don't like Janet Jackson.
Written to her? No.
Written about her? Yes - "The Promise Of A New Day."
Comments: The most successful cheerleader ever. I'd still love to cuddle up to her. And there's still time to do Playboy, Paula.

Mariah Carey
How old is she? 35.
What does she do? She sings like an angel.
First seen by me: In the video for her first hit single, "Vision Of Love."
First really seen by me: At the 1992 American Music Awards; I'd tuned in to see Paula Abdul and all was well. Then Mariah won an award, she got up to go up to the stage, and let me tell you I was in love. Or lust. Or both...
Hit it big: From the start. She has now racked up more US #1's than any other female singer, and more than most other performing acts anywhere.
Noted for: A huge vocal range, being tagged as a Diva, marrying (and leaving) the guy who launched her, unleashing the sexpot inside her as soon as she split from Tommy Mottola, having creamy skin, legs for miles, an ass from a dream... oh sorry, where was I?
Big in Europe? She's big everywhere. Criminally, Mariah has only had two UK #1's to date, both covers ("Without You," and a duet with Westlife doing "Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now)" - yes, Westlife) when she should have topped the charts with "Can't Let Go," "I Don't Wanna Cry," "Dreamlover," "Honey," "One Sweet Day," "Anytime You Need A Friend," "All I Want For Christmas Is You," "Hero," "Fantasy," "We Belong Together"...
Highs: Her voice, her Grammys, her videos, Music Box, her hit singles, her triumphant return with The Emancipation Of Mimi.
Lows: Glitter, her personal problems, being dogged by that quote about starving African children (which she never said, something that almost nobody seems to have noticed - other than Stephen Fry, bless him).
Does she do TV? Mariah may be the only person ever to guest on Ally McBeal and be Cat Deeley's maid of honour (for the final episode of SM:TV's Friends-esque Chums where Cat married Ant, or was it Dec?).
Does she do nudity? She has always been willing to parade around in abbreviated clothing, but nothing yet. Nip-slips on German TV shows don't quite count.
How much do I like her? I paid to see Glitter. Which wasn't all that awful.
Written to her? No.
Written about her? Oh yeah - Mariah starred in what I consider two of my best stories ("Dream Weaver" and an entry in the "Celebs Meet CSSA" series) and had a major role in the first Cindy Inc. Special "The Dollhouse." This woman really seems to inspire me.
Comments: If only Mariah could have recorded that song she co-wrote with James Horner for How The Grinch Stole Christmas instead of Faith Hill; if ever a song sounded like it belonged over the end credits of a movie, it's "Hero" (and it was in fact written for the underrated 1992 movie of that name, but Columbia went for one by Luther Vandross [RIP] instead); and I want to be with her now just writing all this...

Jessica Alba
How old is she? 24.
What does she do? She's a thespian.
First seen by me: In Paranoid during one of its 15,000 screenings on Sky Movies.
First really seen by me: When Dark Angel premiered. Specifically, during the pilot. I was unmoveable from the TV set between 9 and 10 pm for the next several Wednesdays (and Mondays the following season).
Hit it big: Arguably this year with Sin City, though James Cameron's series can't have hurt.
Noted for: Being sinfully sexy even when underage (evidence: Flipper 1995-97), amazing lips, skin like satin, wonderful almond eyes, chewing-gum walk, mixture of steel and softness in personality, inspiring many males to get all florid like I am now.
Big in Europe? Pretty much, yes.
Highs: Her footage in Idle Hands, the better episodes of Dark Angel, her Maxim and GQ spreads, this year in general (Sin City, Fantastic Four, the MTV Movie Awards...).
Lows: Being at the centre of a never-ending debate about her acting ability and hotness (many say she has none of the former, many say it doesn't matter because she has so much of the latter), weight loss between seasons one and two of Dark Angel, Paranoid, The Sleeping Dictionary, the second season of Flipper, being engaged to Michael Weatherly.
Does she do TV? Probably not series TV anymore, but you never know.
Does she do nudity? She's getting closer and closer. And no one expected that dress...
How much do I like her? See
Special Fantastic Four UK Premiere Snakes And Ladders.
Written to her? No.
Written about her? Dear sweet Mother of Mercy, yes. Jessica is a favourite of many of us, including me - "The Untitled Jessica Alba Project," "Jessica Love Hewitt," "Balancing the Scales" (a joint effort with Mr. Rosser), "...Make Me Feel So Damned Unpretty" (all 10 parts) and as a cast member of Cindy Inc.'s "The Dollhouse," the one I'm doing now and in the future the very last one. I also sang her praises in letters to Paramount Comedy Channel, The Guardian and Dreamwatch ("'Jessica Alba engineered to perfection.' How true... (sigh)").
Comments: A fan on sums it up - "Jessica Alba is proof that God is a man."

Those above are the four, so far, who've been the biggest undeniably. These women are ones who also have special status, but only the lack of a definite moment where I can say "Yes, this is one of the Chosen Few" holds them back.

Laetitia Casta
How old is she? 27.
What does she do? She's a model/actress, emphasis on the actress.
First seen by me: In advertisements and magazines; I have to thank Zeta (my younger sister) for alerting me to her existence.
Hit it big: With Sports Illustrated, Victoria's Secret, and the French TV miniseries La Bicyclette Bleue.
Noted for: Being far from a twig, dodgy teeth, being a member in good standing of the MILF Society, being the perfect Falbala/Panacea in Asterix and Obelix Take On Caesar.
Highs: La Bicyclette Bleue, joining the several well-known Gallic beauties (and Catherine Deneuve not my type, sorry]. And Evelyn Thomas) in taking up the mantle of Marianne - the symbol of the French republic, dimbulb - carving out a career as an actress, not doing any lousy Hollywood movies.
Lows: Not doing any Hollywood movies. Doing Errance and Asterix and Obelix Take On Caesar. Getting into trouble over her tax-related choice of abode and a Galeries Lafayette ad campaign that seemed to endorse domestic violence. Having a distressing tendency to die on screen (Rue des plaisirs, Gitano, Luisa Sanfelice).
Big in Europe? She shoud be big in England, dammit. Kate Moss my ass...
Does she do TV? Chat shows, dramas, yes. She's also not averse to doing the odd bit of singing (for an Edith Piaf tribute special and in Rue des plaisirs - she also sang while promoting said movie and on the soundtack).
Does she do nudity?
Yes. She hasn't done any in a while, but that's something to look forward to. In the meantime, La Bicyclette Bleue, Gitano, Luisa Sanfelice and her printed work should help...
How much do I like her? I go to see her movies if there's a slight chance (thank you, Cine Lumiere). And why else do you think I watch TV5?
Written to her? No.
Written about her? Laetitia was the subject of my very first online piece of celebrity erotica, "First Class All The Way" back in 1999. (It was, in fact, through that story that MuffinMan and I became friends.) Since then I've featured her in "When Laetitia Met Louise," "For The Honour Of Her Country," "Butt Beautiful," "The Birthday Present," "Falbala and Cleopatra," "Laetitia and Virginie: Enemies To The End" (and yes, it is Ledoyen), "Celebs Meet CSSA: Laetitia Casta" and at least two Cindy Incs ("The Model Mummy Club" and "French Kissing In The USA"), as well as several I wrote on Yahoo! (coming soon to this 'ere blog).
Comments: I love France, don't you?

Monica Bellucci
How old is she? As of September 30 she'll either be 37 or 41, depending on what source you believe.
What does she do? She is an actress who used to be a model (a lot of that about).
First seen by me: I'd say Malena.
Hit it big: In said powerful post-WWII movie as the object of our hero's affection.
Noted for: A willingness to try just about anything on screen (it's a huge gulf between Asterix and Obelix: Mission Cleopatra and Irreversible, or The Passion of the Christ and the French release of Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas - she dubbed Marina instead of Catherine Zeta Jones), and an overpowering sensuality. She has little reservations and no apparent shame, for good or ill. (Sadly, she also insists on making movies with her husband Vincent Cassel.)
Highs: Malena, Brotherhood of the Wolf, The Passion of the Christ (whatever your views on the movie, at least no one can accuse Mel Gibson of not putting his money where his mouth is), her Dolce & Gabbana work, providing The Matrix Reloaded with its one and only true moment of life. Oh, and being on the OST of
Asterix and Obelix: Mission Cleopatra.
Lows: The Matrix Reloaded, Irreversible (I admit to not having seen it, but I choose not to watch her being anally violated and beaten up thank you very much), being a smoker, seeming to be a bit snooty in interviews sometimes.
Big in Europe? What a stupid question.
Does she do TV? Not right now, but I wouldn't rule it out. And she's done it in the past (e.g. one of those multinational Biblical miniseries, I think it was Joseph).
Does she do nudity?
When does Monica not do nudity? The woman has never been snooty about revealing her astonishingly beautiful body (unlike some people I could mention), whether in print or on screen. Like the abovementioned Rosanna Arquette, a MrSkin Hall of Famer. Thomas Harris could have been writing about her in The Silence of the Lambs when he scribed, "Catherine Baker Martin unclothed was a stunner, a girl and a half in all directions, and she knew it." Even now that she's the mother of a daughter she's still at it, bless her.
Written to her? No.
Written about her? Yep. The aforementioned "Balancing the Scales" and "Falbala and Cleopatra," plus a major role in Cindy Inc.'s "Last Woman Standing," and the star of "The Passion Of The Bellucci." I'll be surprised if she doesn't return.
Comments: As I told Jen, I'd follow that ass into hell.

Hilary Duff
How old is she? She'll be 18 on September 28.
What does she do? Singer-actress.
First seen by me: Being cute on Lizzie McGuire, of course.
Hit it big: See above.
Noted for: Being a successful singer-actress well before hitting 20; being adored by pre-teen girls and lusted after by their big brothers and fathers (not that they'd ever admit it); selling more records than fellow Disney star Lindsay Lohan; having a mother with brass balls attached; having a quick-t0-bubble-perkily face and a beautifully plump behind.
Highs: "So Yesterday," Agent Cody Banks, The Lizzie McGuire Movie, topping the Billboard charts.
Lows: Parting company unamicably with the House of Mouse (thanks to Susan Duff), losing some of those adorable curves (though recent evidence suggests it's only temporary), having her last two movies die at the box office (The Perfect Man didn't even make $20 million domestically, and Raise Your Voice went straight to DVD in Britain), looking and sounding like she didn't want to be at the Kids' Choice Awards, the Teen Choice Awards (which was worrying, as she was the co-host) and the MTV VMA Awards... though in fairness, you can't blame her. Oh yes, and having a sister who isn't nearly as hot. Or talented.
Big in Europe: Well, I'd say so.
Does she do TV? It gave her her start, but apart from a guest spot on Joan of Arcadia nothing much now. But one could argue that the strongest tube-related Duff bit is a scene in an episode of Six Feet Under where a singer played by Michelle Trachtenberg complains about "Hilary fucking Duff," and no doubt gives several male viewers an illicit thrill.
Does she do nudity? I'm not even going to bother with this one.
Written to her? Nope.
Written about her? All her scenes in "Victoria's Island" are by me, and La Duff is also the star of "The Longest Weekend" (still in progress).
A little cutie who's growing up to be a big cutie.

Also well worth mentioning, otherwise this post'll go on forever:
Nicole Kidman
Liv Tyler
Gwen Stefani
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Britney Spears
Holly Marie Combs
Brooke Burke
Steffi Graf
Jennifer Garner
Nicollette Sheridan
Nastassja Kinski
Jennifer Beals

And in the realms of the top shelf or more adult, less mainstream entertainment, just a few (links provided because unlike the above, these could do with some introduction):
Ajita Wilson (transsexual actress, now deceased)
Laurie Carr
Sharry Konopski
Donna Edmondson
Stephanie Bews
Danni Ashe
Patricia Araujo

And finally, apologies to those women who'll never be here in a million years, but that's for Hall of Non-Famers.


All Hail King Butcher! said...

See, that's why I make a list every month...

The Archivist said...

Well, you've got an interesting list there. I agree with Alba, Duff, Kidman, Tyler, Love Hewitt, Combs, Burke and Garner.