Thursday, April 27, 2006

Kill me now, or There is NO WAY IN HELL Kate Moss is sexier than Jessica Biel, for instance.

FHM UK's top 100. One of my fellow Guardian Unlimited posters supplied the only editorial comment this year's list deserves: "FUCK YOU, FHM." Favourites in bold and italics, explanations as to who some of them are provided, ones I don't approve of will get no comment. Usually. Truly this is a new low for this ranking... and obviously no Cindy.

1. Keira Bloody Knightley.
2. Keeley Hazell. Winner of Page 3 Idol (I am not making this up) and frequently undressed in lad mags. Has large breasts. Sexy, but I'd rather have Erica Campbell - cuter, and goes further in her nude shoots. (Plus she actually replied to an email I sent her!)
3. Scarlett Johansson.
4. Angelina Bloody Cunting Motherfucking Asshat Jolie.
5. Kelly Brook.
6. Cheryl Pissing Tweedy. From Girls Aloud.
7. Beyonce Knowles.
8. Evangeline Lilly.
9. Jessica Alba. The only one in the top 10 who deserves it.
10. Jessica Simpson.
11. Billie Piper. Former pop singer, now on the revived
Doctor Bloody Who.
12. Sienna Miller.
13. Lindsay Lohan.
14. Rachel Stevens.
15. Sarah Harding. Another from Girls Aloud.
16. Jennifer Love Hewitt.
17. Halle Berry.
18. Jennifer Aniston.
19. Fearne Cotton. From BBC Radio 1 and Top of the Pops.
20. Eva Longoria.
21. Mischa Barton.
22. Elisha Cuthbert.
23. Kate Beckinsale.
24. Hayley Parsons. This year's winner of FHM's High Street Honey title.
25. Eva Mendes.
26. Charlize Theron.
27. Kara Tointon. Someone from EastEnders.
28. Rachel Bilson.
29. Tanya Robinson. FHM model.
30. Holly Willoughby. Saturday morning TV host. Cute.
31. Jennifer Ellison.
32. Gemma Atkinson. Someone from Hollyoaks.
Hilary Duff.
34. Paris Hilton.
35. Lucy Pinder. Model who, unlike Keeley Hazell, never shows all of her breasts. Please note the lower placing.
36. Brittany Murphy.
37. Tera Patrick.
38. Christina Shitty McShit-Shitting Vandershit Shithead Aguilera.
39. Lisa Snowdon. TV presenter and George Clooney ex.
Charlotte Church.
41. Tara Reid.
42. Victoria Silvstedt.
43. Jennifer Lopez.
44. Maggie Grace.
45. Coleen McLoughlin. Poor man's Victoria Beckham... Coleen McLoughlin? Coleen McFuckingloughin? Are you SERIOUS?
46. Kate Bosworth.
47. Michelle Marsh. Model. Nudity friendly.
48. Natalie Portman.
49. Nicole Scherzinger.
50. Chantelle Houghton. Paris Hilton lookalike who became "famous" when she entered and won Celebrity Big Brother in spite of not actually being a celebrity or even heard of before. If I go any further I'll die of rage, so let's move on.
51. Natalie Pike. Not, as previously mentioned, from EastEnders - actually a model and one of FHM's High Street Honeys.
52. Jaime Pressly.
53. Tina O’Brien. Someone from Coronation Street.
54. Brooke Burke.
55. Nadine Coyle. Another from Girls Aloud.
56. Maria Sharapova.
57. Nikki Sanderson. Ex-Coronation Street. Beautiful.
58. Charlotte Marshall. Lad mag model.
Jennifer Garner.
60. Anna Kournikova.
61. Kristen Kreuk.
62. Lady Isabella Hervey.
63. Holly Valance. Australian singer-actress, recently seen as Michael's wife on Prison Break. Nice.
64. Natalie Oxley. Glamour model.
65. Joss Stone.
66. Kimberley Walsh. Another from Girls Aloud.
67. Kayleigh Pearson. Model, High Street Honey winner (see also Tanya Robinson).
68. Sophie Howard. Yet another lad mag model.
69. Fergie (Black Eyed Peas).
70. Heidi Klum.
71. Sarah Michelle Gellar.
72. Pamela Anderson.
73. Sammy Winward. Someone from Emmerdale.
74. Naomi Watts.
75. Kirsty Gallacher. TV presenter.
76. Cameron Diaz.
77. Roxanne Pallett. Emmerdale actress and Soapstar Superstar (singing) contestant.
78. Myleene Klass. Now plays classical piano. Bless.
79. Katie Holmes.
80. Gisele Bundchen.
81. Teri Hatcher.
82. Reese Witherspoon.
83. Gwen Stefani.
84. Nicola Roberts. The last one from Girls Aloud.
85. Adele Silva. Someone from Emmerdale.
Rebecca Romijn.
87. Kate Fucking Cunting Pissing Shitting Wankering Asshole-ering Moss.
88. Carmen Electra.
89. Rachel McAdams.
90. Myfanwy Waring. From The Bill (cop show which has run even longer than Law & Order, but due to it being more of a soap isn't nearly as well regarded by fans).
91. Roxanne McKee. Someone from Hollyoaks.
92. Jenna Jameson.
Jessica Biel.
94. Kate Middleton. Prince William's girlfriend.
95. Josie Maran.
96. Emma Griffiths. MTV presenter.
97. Joanna Krupa.
98. Denise Van Outen.
99. Rosario Dawson.
100. Sofia Vergara.

I may finally have cracked with this one.


The Archivist said...

Keira Bloody Knightley? Oh, I'd love to hear the story behind that.

Who the hell thinks Barton is sexier than Bilson?!!

Oooh! Kate Beckinsale!

Hmm... Rachel at 28... not that shabby.

Joanna Krupa actually made it on?

All Hail King Butcher! said...

I don't know why you always read these and/or dissect them; they seem to drive you crazy.

Cindylover1969 said...

Beats blogging about nothing, right? And I figure better out than in, plus one day one'll come along that'll finally put me off forever. I live in hope.

MuffinMan said...

One bright spot...Charlize is FINALLY back after a FOUR-year absence (WTF was up with that?!?!??!)...almost enough to atone for #87, who has somehow turned a drug habit into a career move :((...