Saturday, December 31, 2005

What was wrong with them was...

From 11 to 1:

I didn't like Wedding Crashers because apart from Will Ferrell's uncredited cameo, it wasn't as funny as it thought it was (see also Starsky & Hutch). It was also way too long, way too crude, and imagine if Vince Vaughn raped Isla Fisher's body double instead of vice versa - still laughing? Basically Meet the Parents/Meet the Fockers without the charm and appealing characters; always nice to see Rebecca DeMornay, however. (As opposed to Jane Seymour, but that's another story.)

I didn't like The Interpreter because it took an intriguing premise and buried it under loads of speech-making instead of building suspense, because it was turtle-paced, and because of Nicole Kidman's wandering South African accent. It might have helped if the cue on the soundtrack album titled "Silvia Showers" had actually underscored one of Nicole's ever-welcome nude scenes, but sadly no.

I didn't like Mr. and Mrs. Smith because it didn't do anything that The War of the Roses and True Lies didn't do better, because neither its action nor its comedy worked, and because it was another loser on producer Akiva Goldsman's CV (Cinderella Man notwithstanding). Also, Brad and Angelina leave me cold. Unlike Adam Brody, who really was good.

I didn't like National Treasure because it was dull and stupid from beginning to end, because Nicolas Cage refused to take it seriously for a moment, and because Diane Kruger was just as useless as she was in Troy. Sahara was much more fun.

I didn't like The Amityville Horror because it had more corporate logos than scares. And because, like the original movie, it was shit.

I didn't like xXx: State of the Union because Ice Cube was no action star, because it was just as moronic as the first one, and because it was badly written (by Simon Kinberg, who did Mr. and Mrs. Smith) and directed (by the man who did Die Another Day). And because the truly hot Masuimi Max wasn't credited.

I didn't like White Noise because it was boring and senseless. On to the next.

I didn't like The Brothers Grimm because it pissed away all its potential, because it played like panto writ large, and because there wasn't nearly enough Monica Bellucci.

I didn't like Boogeyman for much the same reasons as White Noise, only more so. At least Blade Trinity had Jessica Biel; this had the wrong 7th Heaven graduate (i.e. almost anyone else).

I didn't like Bewitched because it was a complete bastardization of the much-beloved sitcom, and because it demonstrated again that Nicole Kidman (who, like Will Ferrell and Simon Kinberg, has two entries here) is no good at comedy.

And as for Son of the Mask, just go here because I don't want to go over this one again.

1 comment:

The Archivist said...

Let me guess.

You went and saw these movies at the cinema, not realising how truly bad they were.

If we accept that as true, my only question is: Which of these movies did you walk out of without seeing the entire film?