Saturday, May 07, 2005

I don't know why I bother. I really don't IV: The final chapter.

And here we go… let down by the Americans, the Brits and the French. Did Australian and New Zealand..ian… readers of FHM do any better? What do you think? In the tradition of Jennifer, only women I’ve heard of (and cast members of Neighbours and Home and Away) will be listed below, but the full list is over on KS’s blog. Women I like quite a bit in bold italics.

1. Bec Cartwright. One of many non-ugly Home and Away performers.
2. Jennifer Hawkins. Miss Universe.
3. Angelina Jolie. I keep changing my mind about this one.
4. Eva Longoria. This is very much not a problem with her.
5. Natalie Blair. One of many non-ugly Neighbours performers.
6. Hilary Duff. Horrible as that song was, she most definitely does have it going on.
8. Delta Goodrem. Look on the bright side, KS; at least she’s there and highly placed (if down from 2).
9. Imogen Bailey. Model. Not one of my favourites.

11. Mischa Barton. There are women held up as the main reason for catching eyes on their shows who deserve such billing. Mischa Barton is not really one of them.
12. Natalie Portman. I’ll get slaughtered for saying this, but I’m not a member of her Barmy Army.
14. Jessica Alba. Still not high enough, dammit.
15. Natalie Imbruglia. One of the most successful Neighbours graduates, Johnny English notwithstanding.
16. Elisha Cuthbert. Imagine where she’d be if she was still on 24.
17. Jessica Simpson. Not the brightest, but so what?
18. Paris Hilton. As Radio 1’s Colin Murray pointed out, she has the IQ of a hamster – but I wouldn’t turn down a spot of bed action with her. Especially if she brought Nicky. (Her sister, of course, not her irritating pig-faced [and reportedly ex-]friend from The Simple Life.)
19. Teri Hatcher. Why is it always her and Eva Longoria? Doesn’t anybody want to make a case for Nicolette Sheridan or Marcia Cross?
20. Holly Valance. Last seen doing phoneline commercials. Not the kind that involve rolling around on a bed in lingerie, mind.
21. Gwen Stefani. Stiffening males everywhere in spite of having no breasts since 1994.
22. Alyssa Milano. Why is it always her? Doesn’t anybody want to make a case for Holly Marie Combs or Rose McGowan?
23. Brooke Burke. Higher than she was on the UK list.
24. Kylie Minogue. Gwen and Britney have much nicer bottoms, for a start…
25. Tammin Sursok. See Rebecca Cartwright.
27. Halle Berry. Pro: Turning up in person to collect her Razzie for Catwoman. Con: Making Catwoman in the first place.
29. Maria Sharapova. Ironically, in spite of winning Wimbledon and being a total fox, she’s still less famous than that other hot Russian blonde tennis player. So far.
32. Beyoncé Knowles. Hugely successful singer, rather less impressive actress.
33. Kate Beckinsale. As far as representatives from The Aviator go, better her and Gwen Stefani than Cate Blanchett.
36. Rachel Bilson. Is she really less deserving of drooling than Mischa Barton? Is she really?
37. Carmen Electra. Over to you, Dan Hartman – “Get out of town, get out of town…”
38. Cameron Diaz. She’s always here.
39. Britney Spears. Oh, Britney…
40. Katie Holmes. You can’t deny that Tom Cruise has extremely good taste.
42. Megan Gale. Australian model working in Italy. The cutest person in Bodyguards not called Cindy Crawford.
43. Hilary Swank. Um…
44. Keira Knightley. See Natalie Portman.
46. Ashlee Simpson. Well, at least her MTV show is over now (as is her sexier sister’s).
47. Jennifer Lopez. “…get out of town (out of town)…”
48. Charlize Theron. MuffinMan is… probably upset she isn’t higher. He has a point if he is.
49. Christina Aguilera. “…go north to Alaska, or south to Rio…”
50. Tara Reid. Mm. Shame about the implants.
55. Katie Price (Jordan). “…get out of town, get out of town…”
57. Lindsay Lohan. So the UK music charts aren’t the only place where she comes beneath Hilary…
58. The Olsen Twins. Let’s move on.
61. Gabrielle Richens. She’s a British model and occasional TV presenter.
62. Salma Hayek. No complaints.
65. Jenna Jameson. Why is it always her? Doesn’t anyone want to make a case for Sydney Moon or Vicki Richter?
66. Anna Nicole Smith. “…get out of town (out of town)…”
67. Scarlett Johansson. I’m sure she’ll come higher next year.
69. Jennifer Garner. Apparently Australian TV treats Alias even worse than UK TV. She deserves better. And in no way are Mary-Kate orAshley sexier than she is.
72. Annalise Braakensiek. Australian model-actress, leaning more towards the latter.
73. Jaime Pressly. Outbabed on Jack & Jill by Amanda Peet, just for openers.
74. Brigette Paroissien. KS tells she does a lot of advertising model work. Of course, Cindy Crawford has never been shy of commercialisation, but she’s a legend. Whereas who is this person?
75. Anna Kournikova. Is the gap between her and Maria Sharapova, sex appeal wise, really that big? No.
76. Bai Ling. From Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. She’s also due to appear in Playboy around the time the latter is released. Zhang Ziyi she ain't.
77. Kelly Brook. If she vanished off the face of the Earth tomorrow, I would not miss her.
78. Penèlope Cruz. Mmmmm. :)

79. Belinda Emmett. See Rebecca Cartwright.
81. Leeann Tweeden. Sports person/model. Nice.

82. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Hopefully she won’t be doing Garfield 2.
84. Gisele Bundchen. The debasement of the word “supermodel”continues.
86. Dannii Minogue. Unlike Ashlee, she really is preferable to her more famous sister.
88. Victoria Beckham. “…go through every red light, there’s a plane at midnight…”
89. Nicky Hilton. At least it wasn’t Nicole Richie.
90. Pamela Anderson. See Cameron Diaz.
93. Natalie Bassingthwaite. See Natalie Blair.
94. Alicia Keys. No, sorry.
100. Nicole Kidman. A Nicole I can and would love to get behind, but why so low?


And that is about the end of that, me old lovely. Again, not an inspiring lineup. All together now – “Bad taste knows no boundaries.” Still, Hilary Duff in the top 10…

1 comment:

The Archivist said...

I believe it is New Zealanders.

Did we do any better? Afraid not.

Hawkins is amazing, and well deserving of #2.

True, I at least am blessed with Delta's #8.

#14's higher than any other list for Alba!

Bilson will never be less deserving than Barton of drooling.

Re. Jameson - what about Tera Patrick?

Would you be surprised if I told you I couldn't remember the last time I saw that Alias was on TV?

Re. Paroissien - Exactly!

I'm insulted that Kidman is so low.