Monday, May 02, 2005

I don't know why I bother. I really don't III: Season of the Witch.

Okay, so we’ve had the US version, the UK version and at the time of writing the first ten of the Australian version; now it’s time to see how the French readers of FHM cast their votes. I was so looking forward to this when I bought it from Borders yesterday; it just goes to show that sooner or later everyone lets you down. Without further ado, let’s do this thing… women I really wouldn't order out of bed at gunpoint in italics.

1. Paris Hilton. Jennifer is not going to take this well.

2. Angelina Jolie. She always seems to come near the top of these things.

3. Britney Spears. Mrs. Federline ranks so highly everywhere but the USA that it makes me wonder if something’s going on somewhere…

4. Jennifer Lopez. Her Assness is spending her fifth year in the Top 5, apparently.

5. Ingrid Chauvin. She’s an actress and the highest-ranking French woman in the Top 100.

6. Alyssa Milano. Charmed would be damaged if she left, but it would be destroyed if Holly left. Add to this the fact that Rose is more luscious, and my view that she’s the least attractive one stays.

7. Jennifer Garner. She, on the other hand, IS the sexiest one on her show (although some misguided people argue for Melissa George and/or Mia Maestro).

8. Elisha Cuthbert. Coming seven places below her co-star in House of Wax? Mm.

9. Monica Bellucci. This Italian feast for the eyes is even less worthy of coming below Paris Hilton than the others in the Top 10, but at least her voluptuous Meditteranean behind is well in front of several women who don’t deserve to be here at all.

10. Elodie Frege. She’s a graduate of Star Academy (yep, she’s a reality TV-generated singer) and thus as well known to the rest of the world as David Sneddon (graduate of the British version Fame Academy… like you care).

11. Carmen Electra. I know she has her fans, but I’ve never been one. Even if she did give Radio 1’s Edith Bowman striptease lessons.

12. Jenifer. See Elodie Frege.

13. Cecile de Menibus. TV presenter with a hilarious last name.

14. Halle Berry. It fits that Elektra should come above Catwoman.

15. Loana. She used to be on Loft Story (the French Big Brother) and now she models.

16. Melanie Coste. She seems to be into soft-porn…I've linked to her site.

17. Beyonce Knowles. Hugely successful and well-formed singer, quite successful shill, rather less successful actress.

18. Christina Aguilera. Please please please GO AWAY.

19. Sarah Michelle Gellar. I understand some people have a Grudge against her.

20. Ariane. From the French reality TV show Operation Seduction (seems something like Promiscious Idiots Island…).

21. Kylie Minogue. See Christina Aguilera.

22. Jessica Alba. And Butch, along with all right-thinking males, lesbians and bisexuals, fumes. As Femme Fatale pointed out, what does it say about society when this stunner has to go blonde before hitting the big time? (And what does it say about FHM readers that she comes, at best, 21 places below her rightful place?)

23. Elsa Pataky. Spanish actress. Beyond Re-Animator. Redubbed Halle Berry on the Spanish version of Robots. Not bad.

24. Cameron Diaz. As predictable as an episode of Scooby-Doo.

25. Elodie Gossuin. I’m not sure who she is, but I’m not sure I’d mind finding out.

26. Natacha Amal. She, on the other hand, is definitely an actress. Unlike Paris Hilton.

27. Charlize Theron. And MuffinMan breaks out the champagne.

28. Eve Angeli. Singer. French.

29. Anne-Gaelle Riccio. She presents pop music shows on Gallic TV and seems to be a French Cat Deeley. And just as cute.

30. Salma Hayek. She’s unlikely to be the cause of complaints.

31. Gisele Bundchen. She, on the other hand…

32. Lorie. One of many, many Britney wannabes.

33. Pamela Anderson. Good heavens, this woman has staying power…

34. Christina Milian. Nice. Her best record is still the theme from Kim Possible, however.

35. Emmanuelle Beart. She was yummy in Manon des Sources, and she is yummy now.

36. Gwen Stefani. What exactly is a Hollaback Girl? Who cares? Just look at this woman dammit…

37. Emma Daumas. The French Avril Lavigne. Do we even need the Canadian one?

38. Marjolaine. She also seems to be a singer.

39. Shakira. Come on, Miss Ripoll; it’s been too long. Your bottom is far superior to Kylie’s, for a start.

40. Catherine Zeta-Jones. Oh well.

41. Uma Thurman. I’m still not seeing Be Cool though (see also Christina Milian).

42. Tara Reid. Move along, people, nothing to see here.

43. Sonia Rolland. Miss France contestant/TV presenter.

44. Penelope Cruz. You can see down her shirt in Sahara, you know.

45. Keira Knightley. I can never make up my mind about her…

46. Laure Manaudou. French medal-winning athlete at the last Olympics. No Maria Sharapova.

47. Maria Sharapova. Unlike…

48. Laetitia Casta. Even the magazine couldn’t believe this gorgeous-even-with-those-teeth model/actress dropped 30 places. I demand an inquiry into what these people are drinking. And smoking.

49. Mylene Farmer. Chanteuse whose new single is called “Fuck Them All.” Hmmmm.

50. Lucy Liu. She’s in Domino. Screw KK, I’m seeing it for her.

51. Nicole Kidman. Two of my favourites having sharp 30-place plunges? Who compiled this, FD?

52. Heidi Klum. Mrs. Seal will be around for a while, though she’s never been one of my faves.

53. Sandra Lou. Another TV person… not for export.

54. Kirsten Dunst. Go get ‘em, tiger...

55. Avril Lavigne. See Christina Aguilera.

56. Eva Mendes. You are not now and never will be Cindy Crawford, as sexy as you are.

57. Elizabeth Hurley. Long-standing fave with many, though not me.

58. Laura. Yet another person from reality TV.

59. Severine Ferrer. Britney-lookalike TV presenter.

60. Sandrine Quetier. Another TV presenter.

61. Nadiya. She seems to be another athlete, who also does a bit of recording.

62. Hilary Duff. Incidentally, Lindsay Lohan isn’t here. No complaints from me.

63. Jenny McCarthy. Oh for fuck’s sake – this annoyance is still around?

64. Jordan. AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! She’s dropped 37 places, but another 37 at the very least wouldn’t have gone amiss.

65. Cecile de France. Cute French actress who hopefully will get another chance in the English-speaking world after Around the World in 80 Days.

66. Ophelie Winter. French singer/actress.

67. Jamelia. Pro: Nice singer, very lovely. Con: “Stop.”

68. Alizee. I hope TRL isn’t reading this, because last year this petite singer was at number 4. Only Britney (#1 last year, not on the US list at all this year) might envy her. Emphasis on might, given Miss Spears’ high ranking all over the rest of the world…

69. Milla Jovovich. No. No. No. No. No.

70. Noemie Lenoir. Not my favourite SI model.

71. Anna Kournikova. And on she goes…

72. Helene de Fougerolles. She looks like an actress.

73. Kelis. See Jenny McCarthy.

74. Fergie (from the Black Eyed Peas). Your magic does not work on me.

75. Lynnsha. Singer.

76. Marion Cotillard. She is what is known as a “comedienne” (i.e. an actress).

77. Karen Minier. Looks like a sports person on the interview side…

78. Laetitia Milot. A young actress and model (see also many others on this ranking).

79. Melissa Theuriau. News anchor.

80. Tonya Kinzinger. Also a TV personality. Not bad looking, I admit.

81. Nicky Hilton. So the set’s complete.

82. Virginie Elfra. She’s a TV presenter who’s very nice to look at, I have to admit.

83. Victoria Silvstedt. This woman is still engaging in Celebrity Wrestling over here. I refuse to watch her in it. Or anything.

84. Natalie Portman. I won’t comment, because I want people to speak to me again.

85. Muriel Cousin. She’s yet another TV presenter…

86. Nicole Richie. You have got to be kidding me. This must be a typo. She isn’t really here, right? Right?

87. Scarlett Johansson. The good news is, she’s higher than last year.

88. Francesca. Yet another person from Star Academy

89. Eva Kowalewska. I believe she is also an actress.

90. Dannii Minogue. She remains Kylie’s more fanciable sister.

91. Dorothy Doll. Another TV presenter.

92. Lou Doillon. Actress (Jane Birkin’s daughter).

93. Julia Roberts. Welcome back.

94. Alicia Keys. I’m dying of boredom now.

95. Kate Beckinsale. Well, at least they didn’t have Cate Blanchett.

96. Marlene Mourreau. Model? TV person certainly. Very tasty.

97. Audrey Tautou. Amelie forever!

98. Anna Nicole Smith. I just had a horrible dream in which Anna Nicole Smith was declared one of the world’s sexiest women. Tell me that was just a dream. Please.

99. Diane Kruger. This epitome of blandness? Give me strength.

100. Jessica Simpson. Not terribly bright, true, but still...

Once again, bad taste knows no boundaries. Although having two French women and six Americans in the Top 10 is encouraging towards Franco-American relations, any list with Jordan AND Nicole Richie, even in low places, is... is... I need a drink. And I don't even drink.


The Archivist said...

I'M not taking Paris being #1 well.

Garner and Cuthbert are great picks.

My god. Alba's not higher than #22? Well, there's still hope in the Australian list.

I LOVE Pataky! Theron, at long last!

Gisele? Where's Alessandra?

Knightley's only #45?

Casta and Kidman have dropped 30 places?! *disbelieving look*

McCarthy has a sister, Amy, who may prove to be JUST as annoying. Amy's pretty good looking, though.

Portman is #84? They'd have done better to leave her off and let us think they brain farted.

*hands you a Vodka Cruiser*

Cindylover1969 said...

She has a sister?!?

The Archivist said...

If I Recall Correctly, Jenny McCarthy has several sisters, Amy being the youngest.

Jenny's words to Amy upon learning that Amy was to be in Playboy were: "Now guys can jerk off to you!"

MuffinMan said...

Re. JessA...she seems to be stuck on the #22 (at this point, even I've rated her higher!); I don't know if "going blonde" propelled her into the big time, but it helped her skate from any Jolie comparisons...