Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Icky for so many reasons

Okay, so this post by veteran Comic Book Guy animators' model and one-time Sky Movies employee Harry Knowles has already been on 8405 blogs. Just call this 8406 and be done with it...

I don't watch much TV. I hate commercials and I hate being chained to a date and time by some corporate programming. However, I don't begrudge downloading from iTunes a single show a week that I'm addicted to. Currently, this show is HEROES. I never can remember that it is on... on Monday nights... at some time or another. It just slips my mind.
Anyway - I've got a moral quandry about the show.
Hayden Panettiere, born August 21, 1989, now 17 (legal in Texas, which is important, because her character is in Odessa, Texas) as the character, Claire Bennett. She's adorably cute, constantly in her cheerleader uniform.
Ok - now never mind that she fulfills the underage cheerleading limber blond virginal demographic. That's pretty delicious.
But they gave her the ability to regenerate and resucitate from any and all injuries.
This power has decided to manifest itself before she's lost her virginity.
Which means - everytime she has sex, she's a virgin as her hymen will repair itself. Meaning that everytime she's fucked, its like she's being fucked for the very first time.
OK - that's WAY WRONG.
NOW - add to that - that she's at the age where cellular growth is complete. This is it. No wrinkles. No sagging breasts. If she has a kid and it pushes the hipbones out... they'll straighten back and she'll be fine.
Of course - that's even if she could get pregnant. Would her eggs allow an invading sperm to fertilize? Is that possible?
OR - is she simply doomed to enjoy threat free sex for life. Now - here's the scary part. She'll never know non-hymen blocked sex. Cuz even if it gets pushed through... on any withdrawl and cycle back in, the hymen will have grown back. SO...
It's my theory that do to the constant discomfort of virginal sex with men, her character will prefer the kind attention of her fellow sex. MEANING - she'll be a hot, underage, cheerleading lesbian... for life.
ALSO - she could have sex with ANYONE. Any disease - unprotected and be perfectly ok.
The people behind this show are sick. Either that or they have singlehandedly created the most deviantly awesome fanboy sex object in the history of SUPERHERO FICTION.
And she's from Texas.
Claire... you rule!

This is very, very wrong. Not so much because of the basic sentiments (face it, I can relate to being attracted to her), not even because of the perverted extrapolation. (As anyone who's read "Man of Steel, Woman Of Kleenex" will agree, he could have gone a lot further.)
What turns my stomach is the image this conjures up. Picture Harry Knowles. Now picture him on Hayden Panettiere.


1 comment:

The Archivist said...

She's like Wolverine, only infinitely better.

But... Harry Knowles?