Monday, January 16, 2006

A borrowed life.

The otherwise appalling version of The Amityville Horror that came out last year had a nice turn from Rachel Nichols (in between killing The Inside and Alias) as the world's worst babysitter; inappropriate clothes, telling gruesome stories... "I suck at babysitting" indeed. And I suck at living.

I've always been good at one thing - being lucky in the long term, when I don't deserve it. Sharon told me once that my M.O. was to sit there waiting for something to happen, and she was right. Most of my clothes? Bought for me. My job at Ashurst? My aunt told me about it down at the Jobcentre. My getting to come back here for good? Mum talked Sharon into it, and she and Zeta had to move out of their comfortable and affordable place in Willesden to get a bigger place just to make room for me. Even the place I live in now had its rent basically paid by my sisters at least twice.

This should not be so. It never should have been.

I don't deserve it. I'm lucky I'm surrounded by people who either basically like me (at work) or who care for me (in my family circle) but what do I ever do for them? I take all the damn time, but I hardly ever give. Most of what's in my life isn't really mine; I want to be able to be there for my family, the way they're there for me. I want to stop feeling like a damn sponge. True, I've never been arrested and I don't set out to hurt anybody, but...

Look, when I was younger I used to feel sorry for my Mum when the rest of us used to go out and leave her at home by herself; I wanted her to be happier. Now she essentially is happier, and I'm not. Which is better than us all being unhappy, but...

I don't like to ask for help with money. I don't like to worry about what a failure a lot of my life's been. I don't like feeling like my life hasn't been my own.

And yet, if I was going to end it all I probably would have by now. I can still make it, but I have to pretend that no one'll be around to save me. Because I know one day they won't be.

Hell of a way to start a Monday.

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