The Put Up Or Shut Up Post.

It's way past time I posted more here. So this is me deciding to put up something, anything, for a whole week to try and get back in the swing of things.

To get the ball rolling I'll have a look at what's happening around here. It's 5:36 as I write this sentence, SkyLivingLoves has a repeat of Lipstick Jungle (oh dear) and I've had my first cup of tea of the day. No diversions into health issues because that's too self-indulgent for anything like this, plus I don't really want to.

What I want to do is a) pretend that I really liked Rise of the Planet of the Apes (which wouldn't be true), b) gather up copies of Nuts and Zoo and burn them (environmentally unfriendly, and very expensive), and c) write a lengthy post about how smoking hot Kate Upton is (something several zillion others have already done).

So... on to the next.

The-last-day-off-before-going-back-to-work Update.

Cindy: Not going out, and therefore avoiding all the grim weather.

Perez (the new Feltz): Even indoors, cloudy Mondays aren't what you want.

Cindy: Ice Princess. Charming Disney family-movie-primarily-aimed-at-young-girls, and not not only because of Michelle Trachtenberg's legs and Hayden Panettiere's... smile (she wasn't legal when it came out).

Perez: More complaints about her singing from bloggers. As long as Lily Allen exists, there is no reason to complain about Hayden.

Cindy: Payday this Friday! Sharon, The 'burbs, F/X, the Paramount promo and (if they're available by then) Panettiere photo session ticket here her I come!

Perez: Tomorrow's Tuesday.

Cindy: The latest Keith Olbermann directive as passed on by Butch.

Perez: Mike. Not Mike per se, but the problems he's been having lately.

Cindy: Having relatives and friends who have interest in me. The older I get, the more I appreciate them...

Bonus Cindy: Remember, Heroes begins on BBC2 this Wednesday. If Sharon's boyfriend is reading this (you never know), I INSIST you watch it. And get Sharon to watch it as well. She might like it.

Cute teenage girls and mermaids: what more could you ask?

Aquamarine didn't spend long in cinemas last year, and like most of the world I didn't go to see it then. Sky Premiere filled that gap this afternoon; if I was 20 years younger and female I'd most likely have loved it, but I still liked it. Basically Splash for the Hannah Montana generation though not in the same league as that or The Little Mermaid, it has soon-to-be-separated BFFs Joanna "Jojo" Levesque and Emma Roberts spending their last summer together in Tampa before Joanna's family moves to Australia (even though the movie was shot there with a predominantly Australian cast and crew), and neither wanting to break up the act. One dramatic wish later and a perky blonde mermaid washes into the beach resort's swimming pool, and cue life lessons and friendship... except that it's less unsubtly painful and more emotionally honest than expected, and while the effects work could've been better (along with the American accents adopted by some of the Australian actors, especially Shaun Micallef - though to be fair, US thespian Sara Paxton as the mermaid isn't as appealing as Daryl Hannah or the girls from H2O: Just Add Water), it's harmless and quite funny and easy to watch, with endearing characters and a good heart. Not too bad, though it's strange how Jojo is the only one of the three leads who doesn't sing on the soundtrack.

The Fri... Sa.. Sunday Debate: Is opening "Transformers" alongside "The Simpsons Movie" a wise move?

Transformers opens in the UK on July 27, as does The Simpsons Movie. The latter has the benefit of having had much more pre-release publicity (about 18 years worth) than the former, and there's also the problem of the movie itself.

I saw it on Friday night at the Empire's multimedia screening with a fellow Guardian Unlimited poster (his companion had to pull out due to boyfriend problems and I snatched up the ticket going spare) , and thus got to be searched before the feature thanks to all the security. The place was packed, and the only time I regretted having to sit way in the back was when Michael Bay came on stage with producer Lorenzo DiBonaventura and cast members Shia LaBoeuf, Tyrese Gibson, Josh Duhamel and Megan Fox, whose middle name should be legally changed to "What a", even if she seems to want to channel the spirit of Angelina Jolie. Gah; I could have thrown something at the director of The Rock and producer of The Amityville Horror. I was so close... anyway, the movie itself

a) proved yet again after The Island and Mission: Impossible III that Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman should have stuck with writing for Hercules: The Legendary Journeys;
b) was a lot more interesting when it involved Sam's life than with the Autobots and Decepticons, which is somehow not entirely right for a movie whose raison d'etre is giant robots taking their ongoing battle to Earth;
c) was an hour longer than the 1986 movie and a lot more incoherent;
d) had far too many wisecracks (a sense of humour is one thing, but for goodness' sake did Sam's parents have to be so buffoonish? And as for the Autobot "lubricating" John Turturro's Fed...);
e) had hard to follow action setpieces (apart from the Army soldiers fighting a robotic scorpion in the desert);
and f) had pretty weak music (if only Steven Spielberg had directed as well as exec produced). The end credit songs were especially crap.

All of which wasted an engaging performance from Shia LaBeouf as our human hero and the voice work from Peter "My name is Optimus Prime" Cullen (the intro got a big cheer from the audience) and the rest, plus amazing effects work from Industrial Light and Magic, Digital Domain, KNB EFX, Asylum et al. I didn't hate the movie, it just didn't fire me up or really give me any emotional investment... that ain't good. But at least the horrible Mute Math version of the TV theme that's on the song CD (which the Empire played all of, apparently, before the movie) never turns up in this movie. Here's Lion's much better take from the '86 movie for your enjoyment.

Weekend again.

So what's on my mind?

Well...

1. My boss. A definite case of the more I dislike someone the more I want to engage in rough, angry sex with them (see also C. Aguilera, J. Jackson, N. Campbell, A. Lavigne, E. Cetera). Weird.

2. "How To Stop An Exploding Man." And thus ends Heroes Volume One, the first time I've watched an entire season online before it gets to broadcast UK television, digital or terrestrial. And damn, it was worth it... not only has it managed to fill the Buffy the Vampire Slayer-shaped hole in my life that Charmed, Desperate Housewives and Lost never quite managed (keeping me going from week to week, thinking about it between episodes etc), but if you've seen the illustration you'll know where I'm taking this. Too bad about the Sci-Fi Channel losing first-run rights to Volume Two to the BBC (bigger reach, but they had it first...). And to everyone moaning about the finale; a) he couldn't fly away because he was too busy trying to keep from exploding, b) the guy isn't dead, and c) it's called putting characters ahead of flash. August 1 on BBC2, apparently.

3. The ComicCon has had its dates changed, so I have to readjust my holiday (brought forward a week). Better that than a cancellation.

4. Bridge to Terabithia. Probably a better book than movie. But a good movie. (Too bad about the trailer for Are We Done Yet? however.)

5. Yay for Sharon for getting a break from AOL! She was going to transfer from them but they cut her a deal because she's such a good customer. Now ease up her burden on other things as well, fate.

Material Girls.

Material Girls confirms once and for all where Haylie Duff stands in regard to her sister Hilary, as if there was any doubt - Hilary has a producer credit (along with her mum Susan) while poor Haylie has to make do with being a co-producer; Hilary's then-boyfriend Joel Madden has a cameo as one of the "valets" who steals the sisters' car, but Haylie's man - if she has one - doesn't turn up; and Haylie really does not match Hilary in terms of looks or talent. Not that this is exactly a great vehicle for the sisters; it was originally written for Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, but it ended up being a Madonna-backed bomb for the Duffs instead (Mrs. Ritchie's Maverick Films is one of the several companies involved). If I was an Olsen fan I'd say they dodged a bullet.

To be honest, I was surprised this got a British cinema release (with its horrid reception when it came out in the US last year, and given how The Perfect Man and Raise Your Voice fared - the latter went direct to DVD in the UK...). Though it isn't really the Hilton sisters send-up it looks like, this riches-to-rags-and-back-to-riches tale has one major flaw for a comedy - it isn't funny. It isn't all that satirical (Haylie's character is the boyfriend of a guy on an OC-type show called Long Island which he promotes endlessly - The Valley it ain't, as Summer Roberts would no doubt agree), but that's okay; it gets in plugs for E!, but that's okay too (at least they didn't make up a fake entertainment channel); it just isn't funny. It actually works better as a drama than as comedy, with our heroes becoming less shallow and digging to clear their deceased dad's name, etc., and that makes it a bit more watchable than it otherwise might be... but with its mildly offensive undertones, silly turns (like Hilary being arrested as a prostitute and thrown in jail with the real things - who she promptly gives lessons in makeup to!) and the inexplicable presence of Anjelica Huston, it's probably just as well that I didn't pay for this. And don't get me started on the Duff sisters' rendition of that Madonna song (makes their version of "Our Lips Are Sealed" for A Cinderella Story seem like a classic).

But like I said, Hilary beats her sister - and it kills 90 or so minutes harmlessly enough. She's done worse (The Perfect Man, anyone? Which I did pay to see). And as a bonus, she definitely looks a hell of a lot better than she did in Cheaper By The Dozen 2 - the comedy may be synthetic, but the sexiness of Hilary's legs is real. There is a case to be made for her best movie to date still being The Lizzie McGuire Movie, mind.