Monday, April 30, 2007

A few random irritations.

Grindhouse being split in half for the UK market following its poor US performance and the two resulting movies being released months apart. This is one of those times to be thankful for multiregion DVDs.

CSSA members Mr. Blasphemy (he's no Dr. in my book) and Catden. Pains-in-the-butt, both of them (the former a tasteless, grammar-murdering twit, the latter proof that age doesn't always bring wisdom); a jewel-studded shovel in the face cannot come their way soon enough.

Not having the VCR a-running when the end credits for H2O: Just Add Water come along without the usual annoying Nickelodeon promos for once. (YouTube has them with a Network Ten announcer, so no embedding.)

Flicking over to CNN to check out Monita Rajpal in Art of Life and being greeted by The Man in the Plastic Bubble instead. Actually, that allegation's unfair; at least the Boy in the Plastic Bubble wasn't deluded.

Hugging Anneza goodbye today. Because it was the first time I did it, and most likely the last.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Anneza and Amanda.

Tomorrow is Anneza's last day at DMWorks. I'm not pretending that this is a good thing - another bummer to add to the list, especially after last weeks' bombshell. Anneza's not going directly to another job; she's still living at home, so I guess she'll be waiting a bit (like sending out applications, or whatever). I'll miss her - not only was she a good person to work with, she was hot. (I always seem to miss the hot ones - at least I still see Joanna and Karen occasionally. Very occasionally.) Plus when I had The Omen on she didn't ask me to turn it down but made stabbing motions instead a la Psycho. Good girl.

* * * * * * * * * *

Last Sunday morning I went to the "multimedia" (read: critics') screening of Lovewrecked with a fellow poster on Guardian Unlimited. Amanda Bynes made this movie in 2005 while she was still doing What I Like About You and it was still on the shelf when the show was cancelled; it wound up going straight to DVD and cable in America, but like the similarly illfated Havoc (Anne Hathaway), Three/Survival Island (Kelly Brook) and The Truth About Love (Jennifer Love Hewitt) it's getting a cinema release over here. Not really sure why, thanks to the ending being obvious as soon as it starts (Amanda is hot for a rock star played by Chris "Welcome to the O.C., bitch!" Carmack while her best male friend who fancies her stands by patiently... and so on), and more importantly thanks to it not being very funny. And to it being painfully contrived. And to Jamie-Lynn DiScala not being remotely believable as a teenage contemporary of 'Mands. And to Alfonso "Carlton" Ribiero being even less believable as a Caribbean hotel manager. And to the makers yet again making up a Caribbean island (St. Lucius?!) - at least the movie was filmed in the Dominican Republic. And to Lance Bass being one of the executive producers. And to...

Yet another case of Amanda Bynes being better than her material. Will she ever be in another thing as good as Robots?

Saturday, April 21, 2007

The final part.

"Look, don't you think I've tried to talk sense into her myself?" Lesley told a harried-looking Cindy, frustrated not only because of Hayden's absence but because of her temp's presence - Cindy could handle a lot of it but not all of it, or she'd have gone without until a permanent one arrived. And the new girl wasn't in Hayden Panettiere's league... she wasn't even in Hayden CHRISTENSEN's league.

"It doesn't matter what I say to her, it's no go," Lesley continued, cross herself because she had to talk business without the benefit of female companionship - the only one available at such short notice was Susan Sarandon, and... well... Lesley had a thing against sleeping with older women. "Stubborn as a mule, that girl. But..."

"If it was just her as a maid I could probably handle it," Cindy continued, "but... you know how ever since I started this I promised the customers I'd try to get them whoever they wanted. Anyone SHE didn't get," she added, crossing herself and spitting at the indication of J-Lo. "And Hayden's definitely one they want. Racing Stripes, Ice Princess, Raising Helen, even Tiger Cruise... I've been getting requests from the teenage boys and their dads and the perverts for the past few years, and now she's on TV every damn week they keep on coming..."

"I just bet they do," Lesley laughed. "Raising Helen you say? You could redo that movie a lot better now that Kate Hudson's on board if you get her."

"What about Helen Mirren?"

"Sweet Mother of Mercy, no!" Lesley cried, making a face. "But I'm sure I can talk her into it... there's something Hayden wants you to agree to first. Actually, something I want you to agree to first."

"You name it."

"Well..." Lesley rested a hand on Cindy's leg. "Ever been bossed around?"

Cindy thought it over for just a second. "For how long?"

"Just a week," Lesley replied, starting to slowly stroke Cindy's leg.

Hayden's alarm kicked in at 3 am to drag her out of her slumber into the unforgiving light of day... well, maybe not light since the sun wasn't up yet. Whatever, it was still an hour before she usually had to get up and get ready to be on set; not even the larks were up yet. But with the light from outside in the corridor showing through a crack in the door, she knew who WAS. Hayden quickly threw on her bedrobe and padded outside.

Cindy was waiting for her in the corridor, and had been waiting for the past 15 minutes with her head bowed dutifully. Hayden clapped once and the supermodel looked up expectantly.

"You're going to help me get ready for shooting," the girl said briskly.

"Yes, ma'am," Cindy said quietly.

"And then you're going to come with me to work," Hayden continued. "You'll be waiting for me to come during breaks in filming, and you will always make me come no matter how much time you have. If you do well, you won't have to be with me again this week. If you don't, same time every day."

"Yes, ma'am."

"But first, take your clothes off."

"Yes, ma'am."

Cindy obediently disrobed for her young mistress, Hayden studying the woman intently. Her eyes flicked towards Cindy's still-fetching rack when she bared it, then scanned down the long legs of the boss as she lowered her velvet panties, before zipping back up to look at her lightly trimmed cunt as Cindy stood tall again. "You have a beautiful body, Cindy," Hayden said, hoping her tone was all business.

"Thank you, ma'am," Cindy replied.

"Turn around and wait until I say you can come in," Hayden instructed. She watched as Cindy did a 180, presenting her fine ass to the teenager; Hayden looked at it for a long moment before entering the bathroom, taking her robe off and stepping naked into the shower. "You can come in now," she called.

Cindy stepped inside to see Hayden holding the tubing with the shower head in her hand, dangling it by her legs and leaving no doubt as to who was in charge. "Bathe yourself," she told her slave, pointing the nozzle towards the lotions and soap before handing the tubing to her. "Then me."

In the private collections of at least seventeen of Cindy's off-base customers at home and abroad was a homemade movie of the moled one taking a long and meticulously observed (by the customer/director) shower; Cindy had joked the first time that after Fair Game it was the least she could do. Now she took the soap and started to lather up as she aimed the shower's jets at herself as Hayden studied the water flowing over the woman's shoulders and down her body. She was glad that Jansen a) wasn't old enough and b) wasn't attracted to Cindy - sharing her with Mom was rough enough without baby brother getting in on the act. Putting all thoughts of the bro out of her head, Hayden studied Cindy soaping up her breasts, the boobs shining under the motions; outwardly she was calm, an unemotional mistress watching the woman under her thumb using the soap all over. But inwardly, she was leaping all over the place with glee at what she was watching; she was particularly thrilled with the sight of Cindy's pussy dripping while she lathered up her legs. Cindy let the water sluice the suds off her body before quietly saying "All done, mistress."

"Good. Now bathe me. And if I even think you're treating this as anything other than work..." Hayden indicated the shower head.

Cindy started to move the soap all over Hayden's little body, putting on enough pressure under the water to get a decent lather but not enough for the girl to think she was having a grope or something; even realising that her pussy was incredibly hairy didn't make her go any deeper than she had to (Cindy just filed that image away for later). There wasn't a sound in that stall but the patter of water on the tiles as Cindy scrubbed Hayden clean, pleased that her complexion was smooth and pockless - youth aside, the Neutrogena use was paying off.

All went well until Cindy had to go down on one knee to soap Miss Panettiere's well-rounded rump. As she finished the cleft, Cindy had to adjust the grip on her mistress's left buttcheek a little... only a little, but she couldn't avoid giving the girl's ass a tiny little squeeze as she did. Tiny, but still enough to get a little gasp from the girl.

"Sorry, mistress," Cindy quickly said as she moved the hands and soap up, but it was too late. Hayden reached behind her and snapped her fingers, indicating she wanted the soap. Once she had it she turned to face the boss, her face and tone calm.

"You did that on purpose."

Even though Cindy's fingers had certainly enjoyed that firm, soft behind, she shook her head.

"Don't lie to me."

"I... I'm not lying, mistress. It was an accident. I promise it won't happen again, I swear."

"I believe you. However - " Hayden took the shower tubing in her hand. "Turn around, kneel and bend over."

Obediently Cindy assumed the position, crouching on her hands and knees, eyes wide and butt presented towards Hayden. "Since the crime took place around the butt, the punishment..." Hayden let the sentence lie as she held the shower head above Cindy's buns, watching the spray for a few moments before unscrewing the fixture. "I doubt even a woman with an ass as fine as yours has had it up there enough times to fit this in with the head still on. Still, we can't all be Vida Guerra, right?"

"Right, ma'am," Cindy replied, instead of telling her how anal-loving ladies working for her (Vida, Shakira, Melissa Theuriau, Petra Nemcova) and Jennifer Lopez (Natasha Bedingfield, Jessica Biel, Angelina Jolie, the Michalka twins) had been cutting back on and/or raising rates for backdoor sex after ex-Cindy Inc. lady Avril Lavigne's unquenchable thirst for taking it (and often *them*) in the butt had left her with an asshole the size of the Channel Tunnel. She counted her blessings that the Panettiere household used molded plastic instead of metal when she felt Hayden run the naked nozzle along her cleft as the girl turned the water off.

"Open your ass," Hayden instructed. "As it was an accident, I'm going to lube you up. THIS time."

"Thank you, ma'am," whispered the boss as she spread her buns for the teenager, who squeezed a stream of shower gel into her anus before she placed the tip of the nozzle on top and slowly started to manoeuvre it in. Because of the ridges around the top, Hayden couldn't just shove it in there; she moved very carefully, sliding it in with a little circling motion as if she was screwing it in. Resting her hand on the small of Cindy's back, Hayden felt the woman's body moving with her increasingly hard breathing as she slid the shower nozzle up her further, gradually moving it just a little faster. She couldn't pump it as fast as she'd like without really hurting her slave, but she could still get a little rhythm going - and Hayden definitely felt tingling in her cunt when she saw the length travelling in and out of Cindy's behind. She delicately sent it in a little further, ignoring Cindy's little cry - by this time the whole head was in there and a bit of tubing. Hayden drew it back a little, producing a sigh of relief from Cindy, and then sent it forward a tiny bit deeper.

On and on it went for the next ten minutes, with Hayden stroking Cindy's back and coring the woman a little deeper each time, and Cindy unable to say anything for all her gasping. The girl was growing more confident with each twist, drilling into Cindy's asshole a little faster each time, and rolling the tubing along her buns, snapping it across them every now and then. Hayden let a hand stray to the shower taps as she gave one last push inside Cindy's ass before slowly bringing it out, with Cindy's low moan accompanying; she looked at the supermodel's gaping backdoor for a second before wielding the nozzle again and plunging it into her quim, with less concern for space this time. "AAAAHhhhh..!!!!" Cindy cried, bucking upwards from the unexpected thrust as Hayden ruthlessly thrust the shower appliance deep into the boss, further up her than any cock could ever have reached. Hayden fed her the shower tube and drove it back down and out again, most of the way before thrusting into her again, and Cindy wailed again, but with more pleasure this time.

"AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" Hayden slammed the tubing into the boss again. "MA'AM... I LOVE IT!!! YESS!!!!! DON'T STOP!!!! AAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!" Cindy screamed as her cunt was flooded - Hayden had turned the shower back on, giving Cindy the greatest cleansing of her life. Hayden thrust the shower fixture into the woman one last time as she orgasmed over it, before finally pulling it out and slapping her upraised ass with it. Cindy's gasps tailed off as she came down from her high, while Hayden turned off the water and watched.

"You've done well, slave. Now get dressed, and get me something to drink before we leave," the girl said, not allowing herself to smile at the sight of the creaming madame. "We've got a busy day. At lunchtime I expect my ass to be properly eaten by you."

"Yes, ma'am," Cindy panted as she, still not quite able to walk properly yet, began to crawl out of the stall.

"And Cindy..." Hayden added.

"Yes, ma'am?"

"If you do a good job, I might let you fuck me this evening."

Every day and every night it had been like that - Cindy had gone to Lesley's or vice versa, and had spent hours at her beck and call; and now the last night had come, with Cindy tied to the bed spreadeagled and naked as Lesley mounted her and bestowed a kiss on her slave. "You've been a very good girl, Cindy," she said, spreading her fingers over the supermodel's breasts and moving them along her form. "A very good girl." She bent to kiss her again, undulating her body for Cindy's benefit and moving herself forward so her own breasts were tantalisingly close to Cindy's face; Lesley got a thrill from seeing the slave's eyes widen and her face struggle against the gag; Cindy wanted to taste those tits and be on top of Lesley badly. And someday she would. But not today.

In the hallway, Hayden smirked as she watched Cindy writhing beneath her mom's touches and kisses. The supermodel let out a muffled groan as she lifted her head up to try and get a peek at Lesley moving down her body, her kisses soft and lingering as she stroked the boss, but Cindy took her eyes off the woman and finally noticed Hayden watching her in anticipation. Lesley couldn't see Hayden, but she knew her daughter was watching - with one last lick on each of the boss's freckled erect nipples, she slid off Cindy and beckoned her daughter to come over. Hayden strutted into the room towards the bed, eyeing the boss as her mom pointed to Cindy and whispered "Finish her off."

Hayden slid fluidly between Cindy’s legs, looking lustfully up at the bound and gagged Cindy. She grinned and licked her lips before she bowed her head and tasted her boss for the first time. Cindy shut her eyes and moaned beneath the gag at Hayden’s touch; she hadn't put as much cunnilingus into her 17 years as some of the other girls had, but the first time she had done it she had gone at it as if she'd been born to it. Now Hayden was licking out the woman who held the chance to make her dreams come true in her hand... but even if Cindy hadn't been her potential boss she would have been waiting for this moment. Hayden touched Cindy’s clit with her thumb and finger as she continued to lick away; a few little rubbings were all it took for Cindy to get going. She arched against her bindings, groaning under the gag as she began to buck her lower body, thrusting as hard as possible in order to get more of Hayden’s tongue in her.

Cindy was dying to rip her hands out of the ropes; she had to get them on the back of Hayden’s head right now, but the teenager's skill with the tongue kept the supermodel on the brink of orgasm, almost biting through the gag as she kissed and furrowed deeper, pressing a tiny finger up Cindy's hard to resist behind and loving the extra muffled cry she got. From the corner of her eye Hayden noticed Lesley watching, her eyes gleaming with joy and her right hand busy between her legs, fingers thrusting through her cunt as she watched her daughter going down on Cindy.

With a light cover of sweat over her grinding body, Cindy moaned through the gag as she gave her body completely to Hayden’s skilled and searching tongue. The kissing, the tasting, the sucking... kicking against her ropes, Cindy finally gave in and came all over Hayden’s face as she let out a big moan. Her body shook as the sensations flowed through her, while Hayden licked her lips again and raised her head to look at her slave, nodding in satisfaction. From behind them, Lesley's own little groans joined in as she shuddered against the wall, her naked body steaming from what she had just seen.

"The week's up... a bargain's a bargain," Lesley said, half sighing and half laughing as she untied the creaming Cindy.

"So am I in?" Hayden asked as Cindy was ungagged.

"Yeah," the supermodel gasped. "As soon as your mom's done, I'll fill you in on your first job. I told you, you were gonna be here anyway..."

There was still some time that had to go by before Hayden could get to work.

Some time, in this case, being a few hours later.

"So there's a few things I need to let you know before you start your first job," Cindy said as she and Hayden, now dressed in a short skirt and a black top, strolled down the street

"More rules?" Hayden complained. "You're worse than NBC's lawyers."

"Not rules, just... formalities... you’re still under 18 so you're not OFFICIALLY on the books. UNofficially..." Cindy held out a hand. "Congratulations, Hayden. You are the newest member of Cindy Inc."

Hayden smiled and grabbed Cindy, throwing her arms around the supermodel madame and kissing her.

"Mmmmmm, that’s nice..." Cindy found herself returning the kiss and started to put her arms around Hayden, before she remembered where they were and composed herself. ".,, anyway, you’ll still be my maid, but you’ll be available to anyone who asks for you."

"Thank you Cindy," Hayden replied, noting that they had stopped by a black limo.

"You're still being broken in tonight though."

"Who's the guy?"

"Rules of the game - the new ladies never know in advance. Don't keep the customer waiting," Cindy grinned, laying her hand on the limo as Hayden opened the door.

She gasped as she saw who was in the limo - it was a goddess. A mocha skinned goddess. A very naked, mocha skinned goddess. One she'd regretted never actually working with on "Heroes."

"TAWNYYYYYY!" Hayden squealed as she got into the limo with Tawny Cypress and Cindy slid inside on the other end, watching and beaming as if she was a very sexy fairy godmother.

"Hey baby doll..." said Tawny seductively, patting the girl's arm. "I've been waiting for this a *long* time."

"Thank heaven it's not Greg," Hayden grinned as she slid down to the floor of the limo. Tawny kissed her neck as she slipped off the girl's top before resting her hands on Hayden's chest and giving it a small rub. As she sighed happily under her touch, one of Tawny's hands went down under the girl's dress and finding she was bare underneath, rubbed her clit. To her delight, Tawny realised that Hayden was damp and hot already; she was dying to stick her head between those legs, but that had to wait a bit... so much more to have first.

Pulling her dress off and sitting nude on the woman's lap, Hayden moaned heavily as Tawny placed hot little kisses on her neck, nibbling gently. A smile came over Hayden’s face as Tawny put her lips onto the teenager's. She stuck her tongue in her co-star's mouth and Tawny instantly returned the favour, going with the flow. Hayden giggled a little as they broke the kiss, and Tawny smrked as she pushed the girl flat on the floor of the spacey limo, forcefully spread Hayden’s legs and whistled approvingly at the sight of her open cunt, before she started to lick the girl out. Wriggling underneath the woman and fondling her lovely dark head, Hayden let out some moans - partly from Tawny's hungry mouth and partly because Tawny was holding her legs tighter than she'd have like, but she soon got into the rhythmic, passionate licking, groaning about how great Tawny's tongue felt between her legs.

Cindy was getting into it too; scanning the two naked females as she spread her own legs. Ever since that first night with Jessica Alba it had been a tradition for La Crawford to watch her new recruits, and she meant really watch - Cindy always masturbated to the breaking-ins; as well as being fun for her (she had always been a bit of a voyeur),how much they made her get off was usually a sign for how they'd work in the bordello. Sometimes, as with the Alba and Cat Deeley, she got off; sometimes, as with Ashlee Simpson and Denise Van Outen, she didn’t. Slowly stroking her moistening pussy and watching Hayden's gorgeous pink body undulating under Tawny's... tawny one, she knew this would be one of the times when she did.

Caressing Hayden's legs, Tawny continued to lick as the blonde smiled and started to buck her pussy toward Tawny’s waiting mouth, her body shaking in delight and her hands starting to tear into the cushions as Tawny's tongue moved in and out of her snatch, not leaving any part of it untouched. Hayden’s moans became more and more pleasureful, and she started to get more into it; she started to visualise herself licking Tawny's hot body all over, sticking her tongue in her mouth, her pussy, her asshole, everywhere. Hayden threw a yearning glance at Cindy, her eyes pleading for the woman to sit on her face so she could have some of that; but Cindy, her own eyes twinkling, simply mouthed "Uh uh," and fingered herself as she enjoyed the spectacle.

"ooooooOOHHHHH...." Hayden knew that she was going to explode soon if Tawny kept on down there much longer. The older woman peered up at her lover as her mouth quickened near the finish line; Tawny could see the look in Hayden's eyes, and she could tell that they were both going to get off at the same time. It didn't often happen, and not usually with someone as sexy as this little girl... Tawny imagined seducing Hayden during "Heroes" downtime - getting her on her lap, the girl winking up at her... coinciding with her deepest taste yet, Tawny felt a sudden flood in Hayden's pussy as she heard the girl's loud screams of delight, coming as Tawny felt her own body filled with heat and she moaned over the girl's blonde box.

Watching them, Cindy's hands were making her jerk around in her seat - Cindy felt her own heat exploding from her cunt as she Tawny and Hayden all cried out in orgasm; gazing up at the supermodel, Hayden spasmed on the limo floor and covered Tawny's mocha face with her pussy juices while the woman clutched the girl's hips, gasping as her cumming subsided before she slid up Hayden and took her in her arms, kissing her again.

"Welcome... to Cindy Inc," said Cindy said as soon as she recovered.

Fondling Tawny as she began to nuzzle the woman's breasts, Hayden merely smiled. Tawny had been the first woman she had fucked on Cindy's dime, and she wasn't going to be the last. But first...

"Cindy... can I ask a favour?" she asked, still smiling.

It was the moment Andy had been waiting for. It was the moment males across the land had been waiting for. After weeks of agonised waiting, it had finally happened... Heroes was back on.

With the phone off the hook, cellphones switched off and Eileen (or as Andy called her, "mom") upstairs with her TiVo'd Rich Bride, Poor Bride shows, Andy and his dad settled in, waiting for the "Previously on Heroes" bit to kick in. Right on cue, there it was to fill in viewers on what had happened since hiatus.

His dad saw Andy's feet rubbing together as soon as Hayden-as-Claire came on, and smiled knowingly - Andy didn't go and tell his dad about his crushes, but the father knew about Hayden working as a maid for Presley's mom. In fact, he knew a fair amount about this girl beyond her being a talented actress. He knew what she'd done on Saturday night, for instance.

She'd been dusting around his bedroom - actually the room he'd been assigned to when he visited Cindy Inc. that weekend after the positive response the bookers had given his request. Hayden had been chatting away while polishing the knick-knacks, and bending over from time to time in the process - letting him see that the girl wasn't wearing anything underneath.

"You've earned your bonus, Hayden," he'd said casually, coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her.

"Thanks, sir," the girl had replied. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Well, I think you know what you can do..." he'd said, snaking his hand up under her dress and cupping one of her buns.

"Oh, sir, I can't..." Hayden had replied in character. "My boss and your wife would kill me!"

"What my wife doesn't know won't hurt her," he'd told her (which was true - his wife, like many of the wives of the customers, didn't know he was there). "And hasn't your boss tried it with you?"

"Yes..." Hayden had admitted, looking back at him and giving him a smile as she patted him. "And he wasn't as cute as you. As long as it's one time and you use a condom..,"

"I promise," he'd lied as Hayden bent over the end table, her maid's uniform pulled up over her hips. He wasn't lying about the condom (the rules were that everyone at Cindy Inc., prostitutes and customers alike, had to have protection), but there was no way he was going to pass on semi-regular Panettiere-fucking. With that soft, round bubble butt raised up at him, he'd grabbed his swollen prick and aimed it at Hayden's cunt, sinking inside the girl and wailing with joy at how tight she was; Hayden's screams of happiness had been rivalled only by his own screams as his balls had slapped against her butt, their bodies pounding against the table as she'd ground against him. He'd known that even though he had paid for half an hour it would be a lot less time than that before his cock had shot its cream into that damned condom, but with warm, half-naked Hayden under him the memory and the money would be worth it... and as the episode got underway, Andy's dad allowed himself a little glow of self-satisfaction that his son hadn't gotten to bang her yet. Or ever, if he had anything to do with it. Glancing at the lad's foot-rubbing again, he didn't say anything.

Andy's foot-rubbing was due to his memories of the last time he had gone to pick up his brother from Presley's. And of meeting Hayden, back there cleaning on her duty Saturday. And of their leaving the boys alone for ten minutes. And of the way Hayden had looked up at him with his cock deep in her mouth. And best of all, of finding she swallowed.

Father and son silently thanked Cindy Crawford together without either of them knowing it as they settled back to watch Chapter 19.

The right kind of Campbell. As opposed to Naomi.

Me: Erica Campbell.
Jen: Meh. Too pornstary, IMO.
Me: How can a porn star be too pornstary?
Jen: I just don't find that type of shoot to be very alluring
Me: I might not either, if it was a different person. Personally I'd find Erica alluring if she was in a nun's habit.
Me again: Just for that, here's the very opposite of too pornstary.
Kelly Clarkson :-D
Jen: *clicks* *raises eyebrow*
Me: Can't expect them to be on their marks all the time. :-)
Jen: I'm getting the Campbell thread again

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Six reasons why "Blades of Glory" rocks.

1. Will Ferrell.

2. The whole gay sensibility somehow manages to not be offensive or especially queeny.

3. Will Arnett.

4. The fact that Ben Stiller (who produced) doesn't appear and that the voice of KITT does.

5. Actually Jenna Fischer throughout, but not least here.

6. It's very, very funny. Not particularly clever, but funny.

7. The ice skating's actually good.

8. Yes okay, that's more than six.

PS 9. That it was co-written by an actress who used to be on Dawson's Creek. See what you can do when you try?

I want video evidence of this. Now.

Via Suburbarazzi, and in turn from TV Guide about the Heroes wrap party:

Greg Grunberg had another job to do that night: Playing the drums as a proud member of the Band from TV. Also on stage were House's Hugh Laurie (on keyboard), The Bachelor’s Bob Guiney (on vocals), Kitchen Confidential’s Bonnie Somerville (also on vocals) and Desperate Housewives’ James Denton (on guitar) performing “Pink Cadillac,” “Mustang Sally” and “Take Another Piece of My Heart.” A few of the other Heroes joined in, too: Noah Gray-Cabey (Micah) played the keyboard while Tim Kring accompanied him on the guitar. And then Hayden Panettiere grabbed the mike, singing “Hit Me with Your Best Shot” and “Ironic” — the first time she’d ever performed live.

YouTube is usually your friend - c'mon, Mike Delfino playing "Mustang Sally"? Hayden doing Pat Benatar? This has to be out somewhere...

Justin Timberlake is no Jessica Alba.

Funeral arrangements for Butch Rosser are to be arranged.

Cindy Inc. work in progress continued.

Previously on Cindy Inc....

* * * * *

"Yes, Hayden?"
"Ummm..." Hayden twisted her hands nervously. "You know I've been working for Cindy for about three months now..."
"And you've been doing a good job too," Lesley said approvingly. "You didn't even complain after that party Rande had the night before and you had to spend all morning pitching in to clear things up..."
"No kidding," the teenager replied, still mentally wiping her hands after that memory. "I was wondering that... you know I'm not allowed to talk to Cindy during the week. You think you could have a word with her and sort of... set up a meeting with us?"
Lesley nodded thoughtfully. Hayden must have been thinking she was due for a little more money than she'd been getting, and she had been working like a Trojan down there. And hey, Cindy could afford a little extra. Especially since Hayden had seen how that argument between Kate Winslet and Salma Hayek over a client had turned out, and kept her mouth shut about it. To the intense relief of both of them, who hadn't seen her until it was too late.

* * * * * * * * * *

The meeting didn't happen that weekend. Or the following weekend. But following family emergencies the first time and a command performance for Cindy the second time, the third time was the charm for the supermodel and the Panettieres.
"Sorry these took so long," Cindy said apologetically as she brought out a tray of tea for them, "but my maid's got the day off." Hayden just smirked.
"Now, I think I can guess what this is about," she continued. "I've been watching you for a while now, and I was actually going to do it after a year. But I had a talk with your mom..."
"And?" Hayden asked hopefully.
"And I'd say you've earned an early raise," Cindy finished, shaking the girl's hand.
"Wow - thank you! But this wasn't about the money..."
"No shame in admitting it," Lesley told her. "We've all done things for the green."
"Well, that's true, but I really wanted to..." Hayden laughed a little nervously. " about promotion. To... look, I love working for you, Cindy. You're fair and you pay well, but... I..."
"Go on," said Lesley. "She won't bite."
"I... I wanna join Cindy Inc. I want to be one of your girls."
Even though both older women knew this moment was coming - Lesley was under no illusions that her daughter was unaware of her sexuality, and Cindy had been giving serious consideration to taking her on board anyway eventually - this still came as a surprise to them. They exchanged worried glances, mothers the pair of them, before Cindy looked back at Hayden.
"100%. That's your raise, effective immediately. And every third Saturday off, if you just forget about this."
"I don't care about the money! I'll take a pay cut if I have to; I just want to--"
"Be a whore?" Lesley interrupted. "You're my daughter; I know what goes on in places like this, and I'm not letting you open your legs to every guy rich enough to pay for it."
"I'm not a baby anymore!" snapped Hayden, flushing hotly. "And you can't just switch me off like this - you don't own me, Cindy!"
"Look, Hayden--" Cindy started.
"Why do you think I came to you? You don't think Jennifer Lopez didn't try and get me like she got Lindsay Lohan and Paris and Fergie and other members of Skanks'R'Us? Your place has a bit of class about it; I like class... Cindy Inc.'s the kind of thing I've dreamed of ever since I was a little kid--"
"Listen up, Hayden Panettiere," Cindy interrupted firmly, grabbing the heated girl's arms. "Two reasons. One, I do kind of own you, because no one who works directly for me works at Cindy Inc. Conflict of interest... it wouldn't be good for me if I looked like I was playing favourites."
"So fire me."
"That didn't work for Jessica Biel back when she was on 7th Heaven, and it won't work for you," Lesley told her tersely.
"And two," Cindy continued, "I'm glad you're eager and we'll love having you around the day after you're 18. But you're not 18 yet... look, I've got several guys panting to put their dicks in Willa Holland from The OC and there's even a couple asking about Dakota Fanning, heaven knows why. But if I start hiring girls like that to be fucked by folks twice their age, we'll all end up going to prison."
"You've got 16-year-olds giving head in Paris, in Rome, in London and so on," Hayden pointed out. "We're not in Europe," Lesley reminded her. "And like I said, I'm not having my daughter getting banged around here."
"Hey, my MOM gets banged around here," Hayden said. "Just following the tradition."
Both older women spat out a mouthful of tea in shock and surprise; none of it splattered Hayden, but even if it had the girl wouldn't have cared. "Didn't think I knew about that, did you? About the two of you and Ugly Betty and Vanessa Hudgens? And Emma Watson? And Brenda Song? And even Joanna Levesque?! The girl's younger than ME, dammit! And you're telling me I can't do it? I expect Madonna to be two-faced, but the two of you?!"
"Wait, wait, wait..." a flustered Cindy interrupted. "How'd you know about all that?"
"Vanessa told me the day I got the job as your maid," Hayden answered. "Don't worry, I won't tell... Disney would be mad at Vanessa." (Since the House of Mouse didn't like their talent working for Cindy Inc., the relief was palpable but brief.)
"Now look, we're just trying to protect you..." Lesley begged.
"Me? Or yourself?"
"Hayden, be reasonable," Cindy pleaded. "I can't have you on staff yet."
"Then you can't have me at all. Do your own fucking cleaning, Cindy Crawford - I quit!"
"Mom, take me home!"
"Hayden, we can work this out--"
"TAKE ME HOME, MOM! Or I'll drive there myself and you and Cindy can argue over who gets to bang who first!"
Lesley gave Cindy a sorrowful glance, and got up to leave. The meeting was over, and Cindy's weekend was ruined; she sat there mulling her options as the two blondes walked to the door.
Pausing in the doorway, Hayden gave the boss one last look, her face looking as if she was about to kill. "I'll say this for you, Cindy - you got my name right anyway," she said, and swept out.

* * * * * * * * * *

"Hey Presley!"
"Yeah, Andy?"
"I want to know if that hot girl's back there yet?"
"Mom says she'll tell me when she's coming back."

* * * * * * * * * *

"I'm not going back," Hayden said to Lesley wearily. Not because she was tired of going over old ground, but because filming wasn't a fast process and it had been a rough day.
"You were looking forward to it so much before; you're really going to let one little roadblock put you off? That's not the Hayden I brought up," Lesley came back. "All we want you to do is wait a little. Cindy said she'd -- "
"I told her, it isn't about the money! If I'm not going back as one of her girls, I'm not going back."
Lesley knew an immovable opinion when she heard it, and mentally steeled herself to give Cindy the bad news.
"But..." Hayden added, starting to smile. "I could change my mind if she gave an inch or two."
"What are you talking about? She's giving like everything she can give you!"
Hayden winked at her mom. "Not quite EVERYTHING."
This time Lesley got it. "You're definitely your mother's daughter," she laughed...

White spats and lots of dollars

Well, yesterday was the first time Mum had afternoon tea at the Ritz, as a surprise on her 60th. And the first time for Sharon and Zeta. And myself.

On the upside, the pianist played "Happy Birthday to You" at one point, although it wasn't for Mum (another, presumably richer, tea-taker was celebrating her 72nd); on the downside, he also played "All By Myself" and "Mandy."

On the upside, there was a very pretty American girl sitting two tables away from me who looked a little like Alexa Vega; on the downside, there was a very nonpretty American man sitting at the table directly behind me chuntering on about The Partridge Family and Midsomer Murders. (Then again, the 72nd birthday celebrater tried to flatter us by suggesting Mum and the sisters were my girlfriends - if the American babe had been right next to us I'd have been even more embarrassed.)

On the upside, Mum continually showed her concern for my health by asking me not to eat so much scones and have tea with less sugar in it (I eventually did); on the downside, Mum continually showed her concern for my health by asking me not to eat so much scones and have tea with less sugar in it.

On the upside, the tea I had (two pots of Traditional English) was the best I've had in a long, long time; on the downside, I managed to drop my napkin and a raspberry on the floor.

On the upside, it wasn't nearly as bad an experience as dreaded. On the downside, I can wait a while before doing it again. Still, I'm glad my mum isn't Jen's mum or Mike's mum, right folks?

Monday, April 16, 2007

Putting on the Ritz

On Wednesday it's Mum's 60th birthday, and we're going to go to have tea at the Ritz (unbeknownst to Mum, natch). All well and good, eh? Except...

...that I do not feel at home in formal dress. Never have.

Nor do I really enjoy spending so much time with so many relatives. I always feel uncomfortable in those circumstances; even as a boy I much preferred being curled up in a room somewhere at parties.

Then again, it is Mum's 60th. And at the very least, it'll be a break from World Cup Cricket and endless reality shows (I don't care about house makeovers, I don't want to watch weddings being planned, and I do not give a fuck about who's still in the running to be America's Next Top Model!).

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Geekiness time again.

I loved this movie, and I love the music (one of Alan Silvestri's finest efforts, and garnering him his only Oscar nomination to date - too bad it was The Lion King's year). This music is on the song 2-CD set as "Forrest Gump Suite" (made up of the short main title ("I'm Forrest... Forrest Gump") with the floating feather, which I admit amazed me to find out that was an ILM job, and the end credits music ("Suite from Forrest Gump") bringing together all the themes from the film instead of going for one of the countless period songs throughout). The rest of it after the long piece heard (ending around 8:47) is selected cuts from the CD along with piano renditions.

Silvestri again, this time with his theme for Maid In Manhattan. I've avoided the movie, but this is very pleasant (in the Romancing the Stone line but more Latin). And so Jen'll listen, the YouTube video has Lopez up the wazoo.

Still longer than Jennifer's list.

Unlike Jen, I actually like seeing movies in an actual cinema. The trouble is with the big season coming up working out what exactly I want to take in... and this year isn't thrilling me that much, thanks to Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (enough already) and Shrek the Third (not interested in feeding Mike Myers' ego, thanks. And Justin Timberlake's involved). Turistas has gotten a name change to Paradise Lost, but American tourists getting savaged in Brazil is a turnoff (and on the subject, the cast includes Olivia Wilde and Melissa George). Underdog should have been animated, not live action with a CGI dog that looks like a real dog for eff's sake. And Ocean's Thirteen... no. No. No no no no no no no no NO.

So as I ask Jen from time to time, is there anything coming out that I do want to see? Yes... (British release dates courtesy IMDb).

May 4: Bridge to Terabithia and Spider-Man 3
May 18: Zodiac
June 1: Grindhouse
June 15: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (even if it does give screenplay credit to my least favourite Simpsons writer, Don Payne) - UK premiere is on the 12th, and fingers crossed Jessica comes over like last time...
June 22: The Hitcher (if only to see if I can get on board the Sophia Bush thing)
July 6: Live Free or Die Hard (I've seen all three of the previous ones in cinemas, and I won't break the chain with this)
July 27: Transformers (even if it is directed by Michael Bay) and The Simpsons Movie (Shrek can go fuck himself, this is the cartoon I'm most eager for... especially since Ratatouille isn't opening in the UK till October)
August 3: Evan Almighty and Nancy Drew

I'm sure there's more, along with Surf's Up, Superbad and possibly SherryBaby (Maggie Gyllenhaal, people!). Now if this was a list of movies I'm not looking forward to...

Good enough for you is good enough for me...

Has it really been 22 years since The Goonies came out? (Well, give or take a few months.) There are still plenty of fans of the flick around, and their love extends to the music (if not Kerri "Andy, the girl who played the death organ and gave Sean Astin a little more of a 'happy' in the book of the film" Green, who seemed to fall off the face of the Earth after Three for the Road in 1987). Since the 18-minute rerecorded suite on the Cliffhangers album won't do, ditto (very much ditto) Dave Grusin's own performance of "Fratelli Chase" on the Cinemagic CD, fans are rallying to make a CD of his work on the movie - which Varese Sarabande's expressed an interest in - a reality; their petition is here, and I know these things almost never work, but if La-La Land can release score albums for Spaceballs and Tango & Cash then it can happen.

For the record, the tracklist for the 1985 Epic soundtrack looks like this:

1. The Goonies "R" Good Enough - Cyndi Lauper (3:37)
2. Eight Arms To Hold You - Goon Squad (4:21)
3. Love Is Alive - Philip Bailey (4:17)
4. I Got Nothing - The Bangles (3:09)
5. 14K - Teena Marie (4:59)
6. Wherever You're Goin' (It's Alright) - REO Speedwagon (5:00)
7. She's So Good To Me - Luther Vandross (5:40)
8. What A Thrill - Cyndi Lauper (3:17)
9. Save The Night - Joseph Williams (3:50)
10. Theme From The Goonies (3:01)

From A to Z, in the Hotness Alphabet.

Mike asked me if I could name a hot celebrity femme for every letter in the alphabet without looking it up. Let's see if you can... this is what I came up with.

Autumn Reeser
Breanna McGregor (Playboy's Cybergirl of the Year)
Cindy Crawford (well, duh)
Drew Barrymore
Erica Campbell
Farrah Forke (OK, maybe not a celebrity but I needed a name beginning with F, and I never liked Farrah Fawcett)
Gwen Stefani
Halle Berry
Ione Skye Leitch
Jessica Alba
Kathy Ireland
Louise Redknapp
Monica Bellucci
Nikki Sanderson
Odessa Munroe (without implants as seen in Freddy vs. Jason. Another case of stretching the definition of "celebrity," I admit)
Penelope Cruz
Qi Shu
Rose McGowan
Sophia Bush
Torrie Wilson
Uma Thurman
Vanessa Hudgens
Wendy Wilson
Yancy Butler
Ziyi Zhang

Can you do better?

Sunday, April 08, 2007

I Want Candy: so do I, but I can't have as much as I want...

Elisha Cuthbert, Natalie Portman and Jessica Alba all got flak in some corners for playing porn stars and strippers who didn't take everything off, but Elisha appeared in a thong and showed up the lie in her statement to FHM ("I don't really have an ass"), Natalie's nudity still exists on a cutting room floor somewhere, and Jessica's too hot for that to really be an issue... but what's the excuse when Carmen Electra plays a porn star in a movie where there's more male nudity than female, and where Carmen never goes naked herself? Is this Nip/Tuck or something?

That's not the biggest thing wrong with I Want Candy, but it certainly doesn't help (ditto the fact that Michelle Ryan, as the waitress who helps the film student heroes in making their movies, is actually more fanciable than Carmen - but then again Carmen gets funnier moments than Michelle, so it evens out). The tale of two student filmmakers who have to make a short movie for their professor (Mackenzie Crook) and who somehow find themselves doing an ambitious porn movie for a sleazy producer is actually pretty inoffensive - even with a gag about one of the actors prematurely ejaculating (and spraying the lighting guy, ho ho) - but it seems kind of timid, more like Three's Company but without the late lamented John Ritter. Plus, it just isn't very funny... Sky Movies was one of the companies involved, and it does seem like it would be better on TV, with its small scale and undeveloped script. Like bad sex, it just seems to be going through the motions.

The bit where Carmen and the director argue about which Police Academy movie is better did make me laugh, though. But otherwise, The Girl Next Door pisses all over this (what with being funny, being sexy, having an actually thought-through plot, etc). Oh, and why was Melanie C allowed to do a cover version of the song of the same name? Huh?

Let the record show that I posted this before Butch.

That is all.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Something good this Friday at last!

Having spent this Good Friday
a) lying on my bed,
b) hearing Mum's CDs of indescribably dreary Barbadian covers (music to go into a coma by),
c) going to Burger King and getting waylaid by beggars twice (the management told them both to leave, but not before I gave the first one a pound),
and d) enduring Mum's seemingly unquenchable desire for endless quiz shows, American Idol (with added Cat Deeley for UK audiences - thank goodness for the Sunday afternoon repeat of Ugly Betty!) and other stuff I wouldn't watch even if there wasn't anything else on,
I finally found something I could stand. And I got to add something to this as a bonus. I didn't find the trailer for Good Luck Chuck particularly amusing, but the apparently charmless D. Cook Esq. is neutralized by the other guy. And by Jessica Alba channeling Cameron Diaz, but without the gooniness and the "I'm not as funny as I think I am"-ness, and therefore improving on the original. It looks better than freaking Norbit, at any rate.
No sign of a UK release date yet, but the trailer welcomes the video bar to this site, or you can see it at the link in the title. If you haven't already. (The Alba goodness kicks in around the :49 mark.)

Thursday, April 05, 2007

These four things... and so on.

1. Rosanna Arquette still makes me happy even after all these years.

2. Being texted to ask if I can turn up at a pub quiz when I'm about to go to bed is the definition of bad timing.

3. There were supposed to be four things here.

4. Hilary Duff should not stand next to Hayden Panettiere.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Cindy Inc. work in progress...

Just to keep Mike happy for a moment - the newest story in the series, or some of it, as a joint effort between Brandon and myself. Enjoy.

* * * * * * * * * *

This was a position Cindy Crawford wasn’t used to being in. She was one of the most famous supermodels in the world and the woman in charge of Cindy Inc., but here she was tied to a bed, naked. And it wasn't like she was going to be paid for it either - not if the woman with her had anything to do with it.

"I’ve loved this week with you as my slave, Cindy," Lesley Panettiere giggled as she took Cindy’s nipple into her mouth. Cindy would have moaned but she had a ball gag in her mouth so all she could do was... well, moan.

Standing by the door watching over the action was Lesley's daughter. Hayden was dressed in a very skimpy maid outfit, a short skirt that barely covered her crotch and 4 inch heels; she held a duster in her hand, and the sleeveless top accentuated her tits - which was what Hayden really loved about the outfit.

Hayden leaned against the doorframe and sighed as the show got underway...

* * * * * * * * * *

Several Weeks Earlier...

"Lesley!" Cindy said with excitement in her voice as Lesley Panettiere hugged her and kissed her before they walked into the supermodel's living room. "Haven't heard from you for a while! Welcome to my humble home... sit yourself down," she added, pouring the drinks - tea for Lesley, something stronger for herself. Cindy wasn't a tea drinker and neither was Rande, but Lesley had been one of her hottie scouts (as Katharine McPhee called them) for a while now and she'd been good at it; keeping all options for guests was good policy.

"So how have things been with you?" Lesley asked as she sat opposite Cindy.

"Things suck. I had to fire my last maid," Cindy said as she sipped her wine.

"Why?" Lesley asked as she sipped her tea.

"The bitch was talking to the tabloids; I lost one of my most loyal customers because of her." As Cindy swallowed the rest of her wine, Lesley nodded and sipped her tea as she went deep into thought for a moment.

"You know," said Lesley finally, "I’ve got someone who's been looking for a way into Cindy Inc. She really wants in, maybe this could be good. She'd be a good fit AND she'll keep her mouth shut."

"A dream come true. Who is it?" asked Cindy.

Lesley smirked. "Hayden."

Cindy looked at her stunned. "Hayden? As in your daughter Hayden?"

"Yep. Hayden has wanted this for a long time; I figure this is a good way in for her."

"Well, tell me more," Cindy said, a smile returning to her face. When the parents knew and approved it was always a lot easier; had been a nightmare...

"Cindy, you know the deal. I don’t talk business unless I have a girl between my legs," Lesley said, finishing her tea.

"Okay, I’ll get a couple of newbies and I'll see you back here tomorrow."

"No problem," Lesley said as Cindy escorted her to the door.

* * * * * * * * * *

"So tell me more about Hayden, Les," said Cindy the next day.

"Business first, Cin," Lesley replied, smiling as they entered the living room, and smiling even wider when she saw who was waiting for her. Sitting on the couch was America Ferrera, wearing a purple form fitting lycra dress showing generous amounts of cleavage and a million dollar smile; sitting with her was Vanessa Hudgens, wearing a black collar around her neck, a red lace halter top, a barely legal skirt, and 4 inch heels.

"Right on time," Cindy smiled.

"Just what I was going to say," America laughed. She could afford to be a bit cheeky, because more than a few customers had come to Cindy Inc. due to her; some of them even banged her without wanting her to wear the glasses and braces.

"Take your pick," Cindy said as Lesley stared at the two newest members. Vanessa gave Lesley an inviting smile in return and adjusted her skirt a little to show a touch more leg, just to encourage her.

“I’ll take America, since I brought her to you.” Lesley said as she lifted up her skirt, sat down and allowed a contented America to crawl between her legs for another dose of what she'd had the night of her initiation; Cindy didn't have a skirt on, but Vanessa didn't have a problem with caressing the madame's trouser-clad legs before undoing her pants and letting them slide to the floor. Soon Vanessa had joined America in going between a pair of female legs and begun licking eagerly; Lesley leaned her head back and moaned from America's tonguework, as did Cindy from Vanessa's. Rande could have Ashley Tisdale; discerning minds knew who the real High School Musical babe was.

Cindy carefully sat on the girl's face and felt Vanessa's tongue moving sensuously over her inner thighs; her eyes then rolled back and she shuddered hard as Vanessa's tongue moved down her pussy lips. "Aaaahhh!" she sighed, clutching the girl's shoulders and feeling her body moving between her legs. Cindy’s own beautiful body jerked as Vanessa’s tongue moved up and down her pussy with her hands on her sexy thighs, starting to buzz her with joy.

Lesley leaned back in her chair, panting from America's mouth gobbling; she loved what this young beauty was doing to her so much. As Cindy moaned out loud alongside her from the relentless attack of Vanessa’s tongue on her pussy, she shivered hard; holding Vanessa harder, she let out a yell and was soon followed by Lesley, as both older women came all over the faces of their younger counterparts, moistening the chairs with their sweat and stroking the heads of their lovers. America raised her head from between Lesley's legs, kissing the woman's leg one last time. "Always worth it, Miss P," she smiled. "Always."

"Same here," Vanessa sighed, giving Cindy's pussy a final lick. "See you a little later, miss?"

"Count on it," Cindy replied with a wink as Vanessa got up, leaving the room with America.

Watching the young women leave, Lesley composed herself while Cindy let out a sigh of relief. "Wow, she’s good," the brunette said while she pulled herself together.

"I know, I found her too," Lesley grinned.

"So tell me about Hayden," Cindy said as she finally sat up straight, pulling her trousers back up.

"Well," Lesley started while she put her skirt on, "ever since she turned 16 and found out what's going on here she's been wanting to join Cindy Inc. - "

"Does she know I have an age limit?" Cindy interrupted. "If this was France it would be one thing, but - "

"Let me finish," Lesley interrupted in turn. "I told her about how you have to be 18 around here and she said she’d do anything just to be here, to be around this job. She wants to be a hooker for you, Cindy." Lesley took a drag of her cigarette, glad that the non-smoking supermodel hadn't forbidden her.

"Well..." Cindy paused, thinking it over. "'s flattering that she didn't go for J-Lo, so that's a point in her favour."

"Thought it might," Lesley laughed.

"And I could use a new maid around here... one who won't yak to the press."

"Hayden's heard about what the place is like - she won't say a word. She really wants to be a Crawford whore."

"Tactful," Cindy replied. "Have a word with her, and we'll work around her schedule; I know she has filming and all - she's in like every episode of Heroes so far and she's got other things to do..."

"She's got energy to burn - we can work it out," said Lesley as she finished off her cigarette. Just as she stubbed it out, the door opened and in came America Ferrera and Vanessa Hudgens, both nude this time; Cindy and Lesley shook hands with congratulatory grins and sat back as America and Vanessa lay down on the couch opposite the two women.

"Told you we'd see you a little later," Vanessa laughed as she French kissed America, as a prelude to their pre-work fucking.

Cindy and Lesley just sat there, watching and moistening.

* * * * * * * * * *

"What, I’m gonna be her maid? I thought I was going to be an employee," Hayden protested when Lesley told her later the same day.

"You will be an employee. Just not an employee of Cindy Inc.," her mum told her. "Not yet, anyway."
Hayden was a veteran actress at 17; she was used to disappointment. But she'd wanted this more than she'd wanted any role so far, and to be told she'd have to wait another year at least before she could move from teasing the guys to pleasing them (and she knew she could do it - it wasn't like she was a virgin)...

"Oh, what the hey," she said out loud with a shrug. "It's not like she banned me. An in is an in, right? And when I finally do turn 18 look out world, here I come!"

Lesley laughed and continued, ignoring her daughter’s impatience to grow up. "You’ll only be going over there on weekends because of your schedule."

"I know. Man, I can't wait for the weekend... I met Cindy at the Motorola party last year; my goodness, she is GORGEOUS!" Hayden squealed, getting giddier by the second.

"Basically, Cindy has some of the younger employees meet and greet customers," Lesley explained. "That's part of your job - you're also going to be working as Cindy's personal maid. You'll have to do whatever she tells you..."

"Good practice for when I'm on staff," Hayden laughed.

Rolling her eyes, Lesley continued. "She gave me your maid outfit, it’s up in your room." That was as far as she got before Hayden raced upstairs like a five-year-old on Christmas morning, bolted through her door and found the outfit lying on her bed. She picked it up and hugged it tightly. It looked like a perfect fit too...

"You’re going to look SO hot in that."

Hayden turned around to see Vanessa Hudgens sitting on a chair in the corner of her room. The excited blonde hugged Vanessa and began jumping up and down. "YAY!!! I’m going to be working with you!" Hayden yelled, almost cumming in her excitement; then she gasped as Vanessa didn't reply, instead pushing her on her bed and crawling onto her. Hayden quickly pulled her shirt up, glad that she hadn't put a bra on this morning.

Vanessa cupped Hayden’s small but beautiful breasts and ran her hands over her nipples as the blonde pushed down her pants and panties and flung them away. Soon Vanessa slid down Hayden’s body and flicked her tongue deftly over Hayden’s clit, making the girl moan and shake on the bed. Her tiny body bucked up and down from Vanessa’s skilled tongue, and the darker girl sensually moved back up and kissed Hayden as she rubbed her clit excitedly. Moving her own hands down Vanessa's lovely body to stroke her damp cunt, Hayden’s back arched at Vanessa's touch and she moaned loud enough for her mom to hear what was going on downstairs.

Vanessa licked her fingers as Hayden came all over them, gasping and crying with delight. "Tasty," Vanessa said, her cute smile never leaving her face.

"Yeah, but now it’s my turn," Hayden replied as she pushed Vanessa on to her back. Both girls giggled at that as Hayden kissed Vanessa, who moved her hands up to Hayden’s tits again and played with them while Hayden continued to make out with her. "I'm kinda jealous..."

"How come?" Vanessa asked as she kissed each of Hayden's tits.

"Yours are bigger than mine," Hayden pouted, stroking Vanessa's set before she started to move her kisses down her friend and lover's body, stopping just above Vanessa’s pussy. Flattered by the comparison, Vanessa moaned as she knew Hayden was teasing her. Hayden smirked as she saw Vanessa’s eyes closed and her back slightly arching. She slipped her lips over Vanessa’s clit and began sucking harder, making Vanessa’s moans reach the same levels as Hayden’s. It wasn't long before Hayden had made her fellow sexy teenager do just what she wanted... Vanessa Hudgens screamed even louder than Hayden as she came over her friend's mouth.

Hayden then flopped back on to her bed and sighed. "I think I’m gonna like this job," she said as Vanessa started laughing.

In the room underneath, Lesley nodded. She had heard everything, and that had been the first thought that entered her head when she heard her daughter's wails of delight.

* * * * * * * * * *

Cindy Inc. was always busy, but Saturday night was always the busiest night of the week; Hayden had lost track of the number of men and women she'd welcomed on this, her first night. And though some had tried to check her out, none of them had tried to grab her ass or something while she showed them in. Not that she'd have complained; it had been her idea to wear the French maid's outfit here.

The door opened to let in the latest customer; Hayden had seen some mighty famous folks in amongst all the people coming to get celebrity poontang tonight, but she hadn't expected to see this man entering. "Welcome to Cindy Inc," the teenager bubbled as she approached him, her hand out.

"Hello there, are you available for fun too?" David Beckham asked, shaking her hand. Hayden merely smiled and shook her head. "Just come this way, sir - we'll see who's available..."

Once he was through the foyer and getting given the tour of who was up for poking, Hayden let her jaw drop. "What is he doing here?" she asked herself quietly. "Posh doesn't work here!"

Then she remembered what Mrs. Beckham's body was like, shrugged, and went back to being the welcome wagon...

Some hours later, Hayden had been relieved by Cat Deeley for the midnight-5am run, and she was free to do the other half of her job; actual cleaning. As Cindy's own personal maid, she had to do Cindy's own boudoir (the only bedroom on the premises that was *only* for one of the ladies), and even though the boss hadn't been with customers this evening it still had to be ready, so Hayden was busy with the dusting and polishing and bedmaking. She wasn't as busy as she should have been, however; coming from the room directly next to the boudoir were sounds that kept drawing her mind from the dusting. It was hard to concentrate on getting beds clean when you had a woman repeatedly screaming "FUCK ME YOU STUD! FUCK ME!!!" Especially when the woman sounded familiar, but Hayden just couldn't place the voice...

The moaning sent a shiver through Hayden’s young body; she set down the cleaning products she was carrying and sat in one of the boudoir's plush chairs. Lifting up the skirt of her maid outfit, she began rubbing herself; as per Cindy’s instructions she wasn’t wearing anything under it (and had gotten more than a few pats - and tips - as a result). As Hayden listened to the couple next door and fondled her little pubescent clit, an image came to her mind...

Spread out on her bed wearing the skimpiest of her negligees, Cindy ran her hands through Hayden’s hair as she rapidly licked her out. All of a sudden she felt the skirt of her maid outfit go up and an intrusion into her pussy; it was Rande, just as he'd promised. Rande pumped in and out of Hayden as she continued to lick away at Cindy, her moans muffled by the fact that Cindy’s legs were wrapped around Hayden’s head. Rande pumped faster and faster until...

Forgetting all about the business next door, Hayden quaked and moaned as she came all over the chair she was sitting on. She sat there for a moment to catch her breath, thinking over the idea of herself being used by her employer and her employer’s husband. And Vanessa had told her that EVERYONE who worked for Cindy Inc. had to be used by the boss sooner or later.

Hayden went all giddy at the prospect before she remembered where she was at that point in time; she straightened out her outfit and went back to work. If she didn't do her job, she wouldn't be at Cindy Inc. for much longer anyway...

* * * * * * * * * *

Even before Heroes had launched, the Cindy Inc. website forums had had people - mainly teenage boys who shouldn't have had access and grown men who should have known better - enquiring about little Hayden, to which Cindy and/or the webmasters invariably pointed out that there was such a thing as statutory rape and could they please stop asking about her until she had the decency to grow actual breasts. Damn the Disney Channel and damn her being wise beyond her years (sometimes), Cindy thought as she sucked off her latest satisfied customer. The dick was swollen and dripping cum into her mouth - she really didn't want to swallow anything from this guy; tasted like medicine, and not the sweet kind either.

As the customer's cock started to jerk wildly inside her mouth, Cindy slid her head back and waited for him to grab his prick and thrust as many times as he needed to finish the job; getting a facial wasn't the best way to end a night, but sometimes you just wanted something simple. Cindy managed to summon a smile as the man pulled on his prick just twice before the stream shot out, a white geyser that splattered Cindy's lovely face. "Mmmmm!" she lied, licking a little off.

"You really like it?" the man asked in delight. "Most women I'm with hate to taste it."

"I've had worse," Cindy smiled at him as she got up. (It was true, but like Johnny Cash's boy named Sue, she really couldn't remember when.) "You're still on the clock," she continued as she stroked his chest, "so... you wanna go for something else?"

"I only paid for the head and the bukkake," the man said. "But if I paid extra maybe I could get you and that blonde from Heroes..."

Cindy mentally rolled her eyes.

"...the one with the black son, I can't remember her name..."

"Ah," said Cindy, wondering how to tell him that Ali Larter was at J-Lo's. Asking for Hayden would have been easier.

* * * * * * * * * *

Through Lesley, Cindy had arranged for Hayden to spend every other Saturday working at her own house in addition to being at the brothel. On the one hand, there was less cleaning to do (not so much... stuff... on the sheets, for a start). On the other hand, if Presley and Kaia were there in the mornings to meet friends there or something, it wasn't out of the question for Hayden to bring them something to make the wait a little easier. Like the first Saturday she was at chez Crawford, for instance.

Presley was conducting tactical videogame warfare in the living room, but his enemy was older, wiser and doing a better job. Back and forth they fought, racking up hard-won points and filling the room with explosions of their own to go with the computer-created and marginally louder chaos on screen, until finally... "YES!!!! Once again I am the undefeated champion!!!" Presley's friend crowed, dancing in contemptuous glee in front of Cindy's sulky firstborn.

"You got lucky."

"I've been lucky each time we play, Pres. Face it, I rock!"

"One more game before Andy comes?" Presley begged. Even if he had been willing to do one more game before his big brother Andy came to pick them up, the BF was kept from answering by Cindy showing Andy in.

"...and he's been no trouble at all; he can stay over any time he likes," she finished. "How'd it go, guys?"

"Same as ever, Mrs. C," the BF grinned as Presley gave him the finger.

"Presley, I warned you. And don't worry, it'll happen sometime. Got time for a drink before the game?"

"Sure thing," Andy said amiably, sitting down.

"Right back," Cindy smiled and exited, as Presley and the BF started another round, Andy secretly cross that he wasn't playing. Soon it was more digital mayhem a go-go, with Andy encouraging Presley while hoping the kid brother whipped him. They were so enthralled that they almost didn't hear the door open, but they did notice the whiff of perfume in the air as the visitor approached.

"Here you go, fellas," Hayden said brightly, setting down their drinks on the table.

As he reached for the drink, Andy's hand froze. Presley's bid to deal a rare death-blow to his opponent missed. His opponent suddenly fumbled. All three of them stared right at the lovely blonde as she beamed at them in her maid's outfit. "Can I get you anything else?" she asked, smoothing the hem of her dress.

"Your phone number," Presley's friend managed to say.

"Maybe next time," Hayden smiled. "But you might just get lucky... actually, can I ask you a favour? This is my first day here and I... this is kind of embarrassing to ask, but I really need to know... is there a bathroom upstairs?"

Presley just nodded - he was too busy wondering what those feelings in his groin were.

"Thanks. See you later, and if you need anything else..." Hayden headed upstairs, sure that all three boys were following her with their eyes and hoping to get a look up her maid's dress, especially since Cindy's rules about underwear applied here as well. She was right on both counts.
The boys' mouths dropped open as one, and the "GAME OVER" sign was right on the money. In Hayden's quest for their hearts, it was game over...

Easter Presents?

A bus hoarding had a poster for Now That's What I Call Music 66 calling it a perfect present for Easter.

This is wrong.

Not only because of the item itself, but because of the whole idea of presents for Easter.

Easter has traditionally managed to escape the trappings of Christmas and been comparatively more of a sombre occasion than December 25, both commercially and emotionally. Which is how it should be - it's the weekend when Christ was crucified, after all. Does that spell "parties" to you? Okay, He did come back to life on the Sunday following, but that doesn't change the fact that it doesn't lend itself to the kind of hoopla we get later in the year. At least, it never used to (Easter Eggs and the Easter Bunny notwithstanding). But now this looks like the start of a slippery slope.

Or maybe not. Maybe I'm just exaggerating and years in the future Easter will still be more of a restrained time than Christmas - less commercial, more relaxing, not something to be dreaded more and more with each passing year. I hope so.

In the meantime, anyone buying that compilation should have their ears lopped off, the presence of Gwen Stefani and Jojo notwithstanding. They clearly don't use them.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

April is not the cruellest month.

But it is a busy one. For a start, it marks my mum's 60th birthday which she'll be spending with her children (there's a big disagreement between mum and her own siblings about family land, so they aren't speaking). Apart from the inevitable mollycoddling that Mum'll give me, there's nothing I really dread about it. She can be a bit smothering at times, but excessive concern is better than none at all. And the woman's my mother! And I'm glad Sharon takes after her.

Also, more space-clearing of my soundtracks has to be done; I'm not selling any of 'em, but Shaz talked me into removing the jewel cases and putting them in pouches (thank goodness I've got cassettes and vinyl as well or I'd never be finished). Pros: Increases space, makes it easier when I move out of here... whenever that is. Cons: The inevitable adding of new ones. If you collect stuff and have it in some kind of order, you'll know what a pain it can be to take out all the books or albums or whatever to get your new additions in its right placing - moving everything down one place or two places or whatever. Telekinesis would be useful about now.

Plus, I still haven't registered for the Ubeda festival, and if I don't manage it soon I can't go. Procrastination is another family trait, alas. Which explains why I haven't changed my sheets in months.

On the bright side, only 22 days to go until Heroes comes back...

Death to fashionistas! Or at least a nipple twist!

A big amen to this article - it says what I've been thinking for YEARS! Unfortunately the blog won't let me comment so I had to put that comment here, but for those of us who hatehateHATE those "Would you be caught dead in this outfit?" articles on grounds of being pointlessly vile, this is worth checking out.