Saturday, January 27, 2007

Smokin' Aces: neither smokin' nor ace.

Someone help me - has Ryan Reynolds ever been in a good movie? Blade:Trinity, The Amityville Horror and now Smokin' Aces, a nasty,brutish but sadly not short movie that isn't remotely as funny or as thrilling as it thinks it is. And it can forget about stylish either.
Writer-director Joe Carnahan's bid to give the movie style is its biggest problem; an essentially simple story of the FBI, skiptracers and assassins all after a Las Vegas entertainer-turned-snitch (Jeremy Piven) is subjected to endless stretching out, fantastically annoying touches - way too many connecting scenes have one sentence carried over to another, there are far too many characters and too few of them given any room to grow, and moments that want to be quirky but just grate (why do we have to see Jason Bateman wearing women's underwear? What is the point of a small boy giving karate chops and getting an erection?)- and utter, utter stupidity; Smokin' Aces is the kind of movie where three bad guys who look like a punk rock group manage to get into a hotel without anyone seeing them.
Meanwhile, while Carnahan's indulging himself (note how many of the scenes go on longer than necessary, like Matthew Fox's cameo) the movie's few moments of interest are lost, and the actors are left struggling with their receptacles for profanity - as opposed to proper characters. All of which makes the movie both hypercharged and boring; it just doesn't matter whether or not they get to Piven's character,you just find yourself wanting to say "Oh for goodness' sake just END already." On the upside, Ennio Morricone gets put to some nice use, Ben Affleck is pretty good in his glorified cameo, and Alicia Keys does quite well as a sultry lesbian assassin. (Her contribution is entirely acting-related.) The movie's ultimate payoff would also probably be more effective had the movie been shorter, or better developed. Janet Edwards as "Naked Prostitute" is nice as well.
But basically all this movie is is, as Chief Wiggum once said,"Lots of flash - no depth." And it has to be said - Ray Liotta has a complexion like an uncooked Yorkshire pudding. (Oh, and what the hell kind of accent is Andy Garcia using?)

S! A! T-U-R! D-A-Y! Er... Morning?

Cindy: Casino Royale getting all the Oscar nominations it deserves.

Feltz: The inevitable tabloid buzz over a British Invasion. Forgotten what happened the last time someone claimed the British are coming? (If Penelope Cruz wins I'll take a page from Bruce Willis in The Last Boy Scout and dance a jig.)

Cindy: The thought that some sucker who
bet three thousand pounds that Craig would get an Oscar has gotten burned beyond recognition. (Fact: Thunderball is the only Bond movie to ever win one.)

Feltz: Lily Allen and Natasha Bedingfield being reported as "refusing to change for America." So they're still crap, I take it.

Cindy: Abbey National only taking £50 out of my account next month for overdrawings. On pay day. By my standards, that's dodging a bullet.

Feltz: My Auntie Joanie giving Sharon and Mum grief over land in the family. Let's just say I have the same warm feelings for her that Jen has for her mum and leave it at that.

Cindy: SNOW! It never snows at Christmas, but it does in January. Snow is rain with sex appeal. Snow makes nights brighter. Snow is soothing. I like snow.

Feltz: It might wind up like a few years back when six inches fell and turned getting home into a freaking nightmare. Not so much fun.

Cindy: Erica Campbell. Just because.



Sunday, January 21, 2007

El movie

C/O The Bilson freak, with cheers to Varese Sarabande for releasing the score CD to Snakes on a Plane next month, and jeers to YouTube for pulling certain Erica Campbell and Hayden Panettiere videos before I could see them. Blast their violations of use policies.

1. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times.
Do Tom & Jerry cartoons count as movies? Seriously, I think Back to the Future might qualify.

2. Name a movie that you’ve seen multiple times in the theater.
Well, I had to sit through Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo at the cinema by myself and at the drive-in when my dad took us to see it, but the only real example that counts is Beauty and the Beast (I went to see it at a special Saturday morning showing at the Globe, and then when it got a rare regular engagement there as a leading feature - rare for a cartoon in those dim days of the early 1990s in Barbados - I went to see it again).

3. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie.
Laetitia Casta.

4. Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie.

Er... Freddie Prinze Jr.?

5. Name a movie that you can and do quote from.
Die Hard ("Welcome to the party, pal!").

6. Name a movie musical that you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs.
Beauty and the Beast probably comes closest.

7. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with.

High School Musical. And the aforementioned Beauty and the Beast.

8. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see.
Rock'N'Roll High School. The Ramones! The school being blown up!

9. Name a movie that you own.
Malena, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Into The Blue, Belleville Rendezvous, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Beauty and the Beast...


10. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops.
Mos Def - excellent in 16 Blocks and Something The Lord Made.


11. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in?
Yep - On The Right Track (one of Gary Coleman's hiatus movies in the Diff'rent Strokes days), the 1976 King Kong, at least two of the Star Trek movies, Short Circuit, Back to the Future, The Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Movie, Tron, Firefox, E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial...

12. Ever made out in a movie?
No.

13. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven’t yet gotten around to it.
Pass.


14. Ever walked out of a movie?
I never walk out of a movie I haven't seen before.

15. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater.
Schindler's List came closest.


16. Popcorn?
I hate popcorn.


17. How often do you go to the movies (as opposed to renting them or watching them at home)?
Quite often. Unfortunately I haven't been this year because I've been ill...


18. What’s the last movie you saw in the theater?
The Holiday.


19. What’s your favorite/preferred genre of movie?
As Joe Bob Briggs put it, "A movie can be absolutely anything, except boring."

20. What’s the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?
Either Robin Hood or Island At The Top Of The World. As they were both Disney films it might have been on a double bill in 1974.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Winter sucks.

Especially when it rains and blows instead of snows. And you're trying to get rid of a cold that won't go away (damn sore throat). And the fridge won't keep stuff cold, just adding to Sharon's woes. And you've ripped one of your gloves.

And when you're watching a YouTube Glamourcon behind the scenes video with Erica Campbell, Jelena Jensen and Maggie Green as you've never seen them before (i.e. dressed) and the IM screen gets in the way... I joke, Mike.

Monday, January 15, 2007

This one's for you, Butch.

Jen: Is that Hayden Panettiere about 4.3 seconds before she started making out with her mom?
Me: That's not her mum, that's Ali Larter.
Jen: Oooh, nice


Brandon: Ali looks like she is about to propose to Hayden or something
Me: Wonder if she said yes? ;-)
Brandon: lol. that must be why it looks like Ali is crying, she said yes



Sunday, January 14, 2007

Yeah, but...

Charlize Theron, Gabrielle Reece, models like Stephanie Seymour and Cindy Crawford, Jamie Pressly -- I respect these women. I looked at the photos they had done. They were beautiful, tasteful pictures. And coming from the modelling world, I certainly was not squeamish about nudity. We all have the same parts ... (Modelling), you have to get used it. Not that that means you're walking down the street flashing everyone. - Tricia Helfer aka Number Six from Battlestar Galactica, on one of the reasons she stripped off for Playboy.

Pros: Being done by Sante d'Orazio, who's also snapped Cindy naked and done a fine job of it.

Cons: Yes... well... all those who wish it had been Grace Park, raise your hands...

I love Sunday Mondays

So this isn't Monday. Sue me.

Having dragged myself to work on Thursday and Friday in spite of being weakened by a) a flu or cold bug, I'm never sure which, do I look like Marcus Welby?*; and b) having gone without lunch for three days straight due to no actual money to buy lunch with (many blessings yet again to Sharon for her help in this and so many other areas), I'm spending the weekend and tomorrow at home - weekend to fully get over it and Monday to fully get over it and because coughing and not feeling really strong enough aren't conducive to standing waiting for the N5 at 5 in the darn morning.

Plus to the great delight of Evil, I might even get some writing done (Sundays are my day off... although I would love it if I could not treat it as work. Any assistance most welcome).

Coming up this week... the return of Prison Break on Five. Sadly, this seems to be another of my shows that Sharon is unlikely to be checking out, and equally sadly I've already had at least one twist given away, alas. (And won't it be fun for the ol' VCR when Heroes starts on Sci-Fi at the same time in a month.)

And finally, if Mike is reading this (and he is), I hope he'll keep me informed on Cindy's visit to his shores in March. Otherwise if by some wonderful chance Rachel Bilson fetches up here for some reason or other... *evil smile*

*I know we've racked up thirty-seven years worth of fictional men and women of medicine since he came along (the same year I did), but I'd rather see him by my bedside than Gregory House or anyone from Grey's Anatomy. And yes, that does include Izzie.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

And now another gratuitous Hayden moment.

Hayden Panettiere and her mother. You do not want to know what I'm thinking right now... suffice to say Claire Bennet's birth mother has some stiff real-life competition.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Monday, January 08, 2007

Okay, Evil was right about "Ugly Betty."

So far, anyway. However:
1. I could remake Waterworld twice if I had a penny for every person who's "pegged" this as a ripoff of The Devil Wears Prada (do some fucking research, people).
2. Jen does not watch it, and her opinion is actually far more informed than the inbred twats attacking it on uk.media.tv.misc.
3. I could remake Waterworld four times if I had a penny for every person who thinks they're clever by saying that she isn't really ugly (er, isn't that the point? And anyway, they didn't cast an ugly person in the original either).
4. There isn't actually a point 4. Sorry.