Saturday, May 27, 2006

My big fat Vanessa weekend

The pendulum has to swing back to Cindy soon, but right now it's muy Vanessa. Because:

1. Time to start paying Sharon rent for kipping her while building up enough money for first month's rent and moving on my new place, whenever and wherever that is. And that's the deal, my dear. Especially since neither of us is that good at managing money.

2. Spending half the week (Monday, Friday, half of Thursday) at home because of a bad cold. Climate change, I blame (being able to see your breath in MAY?!?).

3. LivingTV celebrating the new run of Veronica Mars by ending the repeats of the first season before reaching the last three episodes, which I was taping thanks. Including one coming up which I missed.

4. Unreliable postpeople.

5. My buying Sharon a whole set of kitchenware, and having to take it back today because she only wanted a plate, which Next does not sell separately from the rest.

6. Making an appointment to see a place which I know I'm not going to say yes to for the simple reason that I can't afford it, and not cancelling said appointment.

7. Getting yelled at by Sharon twice (first about breaking a plate -see 5 - and then about money, leading into her own problems... which, as usual, succeed in making me think everything is my fault; not her intention, I know, but...).

8. Not seeing Monita Rajpal (illustrated) on CNN Today every day this week, as is my right dammit.

Ah well, things have to get better soon. And there's always Katherine "First person from reality TV music to catch my eye since Kelly" McPhee, right?

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The Cindy Spot presents A Kitamura-Alba-Ohura Production.

The one in the middle of the sandwich needs no introduction. Uruka Kitamura, current co-presenter of this 'ere blog, and Anna Ohura are Japanese adult actresses (I had trouble finding pictures of them that were relatively SFW - you can find plenty of images of them online... what, you want a link? All right, you lazy buggers, will that do for starters?).

I was going to write more, but why bother?

Monday, May 22, 2006

The Cindy Spot presents: The SAOR Guide To The New US Shows

So the US TV season's almost come to an end, with a lot of goodbyes (and at least one "I thought you'd gone" in the case of 7th Heaven); this week gone by saw the networks announce their fall/autumn lineup, and this week coming sees the LA Screenings - the annual TV equivalent of Harrods' sale, with buyers the world over having a look at what's on offer for their schedules in between their own homegrown stuff. As usual, some will be sold easier than others (Prison Break had no trouble getting a home in the UK, whereas it can't be coincidence that the Disney-produced Commander In Chief wound up on ABC1 over here); what follows is one TV watcher's guesses of which ones of the new scripted shows'll wind up here (with midseason shows asterisked), and their SAOR factor (as bandied about on the Guardian talkboards, SAOR is short for Shallow And Obvious Reasons, so that should be pretty self-explanatory).

NBC first:
20 Good Years: This pairing of John Lithgow and Jeffrey Tambor is the kind of thing I can imagine BBC2 or Paramount Comedy Channel getting, but the next Friends it ain't.

SAOR Factor: Heather Burns. Leaning towards "Meh."
30 Rock: Comedy set behind the scenes of a Saturday Night Live-type show... more Paramount fodder, especially since SNL hardly has Bilko-type status over here.
SAOR Factor: Well, Tina Fey is cute. Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses, eh?
Andy Barker, P.I.*: Yet more Paramount Comedy Channel fodder (especially if it gets cancelled early a la Andy Richter Controls The Universe), or something for C4 to use as 4 am filler, whether deserved (Mortal Kombat: Conquest, Pearl) or not (Second Time Around, The Norm Show).
SAOR Factor: Amy Farrington's okay, but Ion Overman used to be on The L Word. You have to be hot to be on that show (Leisha Hailey notwithstanding).
The Black Donnellys*: Crash and Million Dollar Baby may give Paul Haggis' new show the boost that EZ Streets and Family Law never got... but then again, maybe not. Isn't it about time people remembered that he did dueSouth as well? Maybe Five.
SAOR Factor: Olivia Wilde has her fans, but as far as babes from The O.C. go I even prefer Autumn Reeser.
Friday Night Lights: There is no way any UK broadcaster will buy in a series about American football, unless it's in with a job lot of shows from NBC Universal. Let's move on.
Heroes: Fantasy-drama about people with superpowers? You can just see this on Sky One, Five, or one of ITV's channels (after Medium and Triangle, I wouldn't even rule out BBC1). The one I'm hoping for the most, even if it does have someone who used to be in My Wife And Kids.
SAOR Factor: Hayden Panettiere. As a cheerleader. And Ali Larter. As a stripper. Enough said.
Kidnapped: You just know one channel is going to want some of that 24/Prison Break/Lost serial-type action. Plus it's from folks with Boomtown and Angel on their CV, which may help. And never overlook British interest in the casting, which brings us to...
SAOR Factor: Carmen Ejogo, former ITV Saturday morning kids show hostess, is still nice. And there's also Dana Delany. :)
Raines*: Another quirky detective show, with our hero talking to dead people... even with Jeff Goldblum, I'm not entirely sure about this one.
SAOR Factor: I'm unfamiliar with Alexa Davalos, but she's okay. And there's the lesser of the two Parks (Linda, as opposed to Grace), but she still trumps Jolene Blalock. (Yes, Jen, she does.)
The Singles Table*: Young people becoming friends at a wedding? Oh, this has Trouble written all over it.
SAOR Factor: Not really that fussed over anyone in it.
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: The other new NBC show about a Saturday Night Live-type show has a better chance of being picked up by British TV, thanks to Aaron Sorkin's cult following (The West Wing always had a devoted club, although not shown in its ratings) and the presence of Matthew Perry. But Channel 4's more likely to put it on one of their digital channels than they may have been a few years back. Then again, they will need something to replace Invasion...

SAOR Factor: Amanda Peet and Sarah Paulson, together again. As a bonus, the third member of the Jack & Jill Y-Chromosomeless Collective (Jaime Pressly) is busy with My Name Is Earl.

Meanwhile, over at the Disney Channel (er, ABC):
Betty the Ugly: Man, I hate that title. This premise (non-fashion-plate woman in the world of fashion) is very, very LivingTV friendly, and if all else fails there's always ABC1 (home of Less Than Perfect).
SAOR Factor: Goes against the premise of the show. Would also be a lot higher if executive producer Salma Hayek was a regular... but it's not like Vanessa Williams has been hit by the ugly stick.
Big Day: 24 meets Father of the Bride, it says here. Trouble, maybe? BBC3?
SAOR Factor: Marla Sokoloff is the bride. Which is okay with me.
Brothers & Sisters: Calista Flockhart, Rachel Griffiths, Patricia Wettig... chances of this drama coming here - high. Chances of it being well acted (it also has Ron Rifkin and Balthazar Getty from Alias) - high.
SAOR Factor: Low, except for the former Brenda off Six Feet Under and Sarah Jane Morris.
Day Break*: This show about a cop who gets to relive his day again and again while trying to find who framed him for murder will either be very very good, or very very bad. Either way, bet on this arriving here - ITV4 might be about right.
SAOR Factor: Who are Meta Golding and Moon Bloodgood, and why have I not seen them before? Nice...r than Victoria Pratt, who's also in this.
Help Me Help You: Ted Danson has never been in a show that didn't turn up here (not even Ink)...
SAOR Factor: Fairly meh. One to watch for proper reasons. :)
In Case of Emergency*: Yet another series about a group of friends, this bunch getting together after graduation. Sounds like one for Trouble or ABC1, or C4's late schedule - but it does have Greg "Ally McBeal's boss" Germann.
SAOR Factor: Kelly Hu! And Lori Loughlin. But especially Kelly Hu!
Let's Rob ...: A heist comedy. With Mick Jagger in the pilot. No doubt Five'll swoop, but C4'll be in there as well. I hope it's as diverting as it sounds.
SAOR Factor: The token female member of the group is Sofia Vergara, thus making up for some of ABC's other shows in this department.
Men in Trees: "After her wedding plans fall apart, a female relationship coach stays in Alaska and looks for love in chilly places." Hallmark or Living, I bet.
SAOR Factor: Anything starring Anne Heche is very lacking in that department.
The Nine: Intriguing premise (about hostages and the aftereffects of their trauma) - this could go to almost anyone, from BBC2 to FX.
SAOR Factor: Nice to see Camille Guaty and Lourdes Benedicto (Prison Break and 24 respectively), not so nice to see Kim Raver.
Notes from the Underbelly: I don't know... this expecting-couple comedy might put off UK buyers just from the title.
SAOR Factor: The thespiennes (Jennifer Westfeldt, Melanie Paxson and Rachael Harri) are cute but not that cute.
Six Degrees: A return to less fantasy-based drama from J.J. Abrams, about people whose lives interact without their actually meeting. ABC1 or 4, maybe?
SAOR Factor: In the world according to J.J. Abrams, there's always a decent one - step forward Bridget Moynahan and Erika Christensen.
Traveler*: The Fugitive for the 9/11 generation, with our heroes on the run after being framed for a terrorist attack. At least, I hope it is - it could just as easily turn out to be one of the many less successful variations on Richard Kimble's plight... Bravo could get it, mentioned because I haven't suggested them yet.
SAOR Factor: This sadly seems to be the Supernatural of the new season in that sense, i.e. leaning towards those who like men.

Over on CBS (Constant Bruckheimer Shows):
3 LBS*: Medical show with Stanley Tucci. Mm. Even if it is from the folks behind Homicide: Life on the Street and Oz.
SAOR Factor: Having Googled Tamara Taylor and Indira Varma, I'll reserve judgement on the latter.
The Class: Schoolmates coming back together... could be brilliant, but I don't know. Shows with Brits in main roles - in this case Sean Maguire (Eve, Off Centre) - almost always get UK homes (Still Standing is one of the few exceptions, perhaps because Mark Addy played an American), ditto almost everything from Warner Bros.
SAOR Factor: Not overly thrilled here. Poppy Montgomery and Jennifer Finnigan (from Without A Trace and Close To Home respectively) have nothing to worry about from this corner.
Jericho: Town isolated in the wake of holocaust. Might be interesting, and sounds up Sci-Fi's alley... but it isn't reassuring that the producer directed While You Were Sleeping and National Treasure.
SAOR Factor: Ashley Scott's in it. So very, very much meh (as well as quite possibly dooming this show given her track record).
Rules of Engagement*: Relationship comedy (ugh) executive produced by Adam Sandler and starring Patrick Warburton (Seinfeld, Kim Possible, The Emperor's New Groove...), which is more reassuring. Maybe another one for Trouble.
SAOR Factor: If you were hot for Megyn Price when she was on Grounded For Life...
Shark: James Woods as a lawyer in a show whose pilot is directed by Spike Lee. This'll definitely come to Britain, but how long'll it last? Shows about prosecuting lawyers don't seem to take off as well as those from the other side (remember Equal Justice?).
SAOR Factor: Jeri Ryan will be enough for some, but don't count out Danielle Panabaker. Although as far as cast members from Sky High are concerned, give me Mary Elizabeth Winstead.
Smith: From the comical side of thieves (Let's Rob...) to the serious side, as you can tell from the presence of Ray Liotta. Sounds like the kind of show that'll get a small but devoted audience and people whining when/if it gets axed early. Another Warner show, so likely to come over either on its own or in a job lot. Also has UK interest with Jonny Lee Miller.
SAOR Factor: Virginia Madsen was gotten rid of early on when she was on American Dreams, so hopefully she and Amy Smart'll be around longer here.
Waterfront*: "The Mayor! Starring Homer Si... Joe Pantoliano," on what was previously Melina Kanakeredes' turf of Providence. He no doubt hopes for a stay more akin to hers than to his previous shows The Handler and dr. vegas. Likely to be another job lot job.
SAOR Factor: Mary Stuart Masterson? Natalia Cigliuti? Both nice, but my vote goes to Lyndsy Fonseca, who will hopefully get to do more here than on How I Met Your Mother.

Over at Fox, your voice for evil:
Happy Hour: Uptight guy and looser best friend. Mm.
SAOR Factor: Jamie Denbo, Beth Lacke and Brooke D'Orsay are cute, but are they cute enough to make it bearable for sad single men?
Justice: In which Jerry Bruckheimer does for lawyers what he did for forensic investigators. Apparently. Hopefully it'll take more of a Without A Trace/Close To Home approach when it comes here (yes, when - Bruckheimer is irresistible to UK buyers, plus it's another one with a Brit, i.e. Eamonn Walker).
SAOR Factor: Not apparent.
Standoff: Hostage negotiators. In a relationship... hmm. FX, maybe? Or another channel that loves cop shows, like Hallmark?
SAOR Factor: Gina Torres. That'll be enough for some.
'Til Death: Brad Garrett's sitcom is unlikely to come over here, since Everybody Loves Raymond didn't travel over here as well as Friends did. Paramount, at best.
SAOR Factor: Joely Fisher's funny and dishy. Qualifies.
Vanished: See Kidnapped.
SAOR Factor: Rebecca Gayheart and Ming-Na. Nice...
The Wedding Album*: Guy (Bruno "The Carver from Nip/Tuck" Campos) who attends weddings as a photographer but not as a groom. Something for ITV to put in the weekday afternoons?
SAOR Factor: This is too aimed at women of the straight variety (Eva Pigford? No).

The Winner*: Live-action sitcom from Seth MacFarlane, so it's likely to have some amusing moments. And riffs from The Simpsons, probably...? Given how incoherently run Family Guy and American Dad! were over here, I won't hold my breath.
SAOR Factor: Well, Erinn Hayes doesn't look bad...

And finally, the CW:
The Game: A spinoff of Girlfriends, which has been on over here (on Living and Trouble) for a while. And if Trouble can show both One On One and its spinoff, I don't see why they can't air this, especially with one half of the twins from Sister, Sister.
SAOR Factor: Tia Mowry's grown up...
Hidden Palms*: Kevin Williamson returns to hopefully give Josh Schwartz and the rest of the gang at The O.C. something to worry about - mystery + teen drama = promising sounding. But can he do this as well as Veronica Mars, though? Either way, Five might be interested.
SAOR Factor: Amber Heard, Sharon Lawrence and Gail O'Grady. The first is no Sophia Bush, the second shares a first name with my sister, and the third... well. But you never know.
Runaway: It's The Fugitive with a family! Donnie Wahlberg was excellent on Boomtown, ditto Leslie Hope on 24 and (from all accounts) Line of Fire; but the presence of Darren "I haven't been involved with a good show since Beverly Hills 90210" Star as one of the executive producers is worrying. Nevertheless, expect this to get a UK buyer.
SAOR Factor: Having wasted Jennifer Connelly on The $treet and Alicia Silverstone and Lake Bell on Miss Match, he now gives us Sarah Ramos from American Dreams. She's too young. Cheers. :(

So basically I'm saying most of them are likely to show up here; five terrestrial channels and a fair amount of cable ones and they all need material. Wonder which ones'll celebrate a second birthday? And which ones'll manage a complete run in the UK? Stay tuned.

In memory, especially if shown or due to be shown over here, of: Alias, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, Arrested Development, The Bedford Diaries, The Bernie Mac Show, Blue Collar TV, The Book Of Daniel, Charmed, Commander In Chief, Conviction, Courting Alex, Crumbs, Cuts, E-Ring, Emily's Reasons Why Not, Eve, Everwood, The Evidence, Fear Factor, Four Kings, Freddie, Free Ride, Get This Party Started, Head Cases, Heist, Hope & Faith, Hot Properties, In Justice, Inconceivable, Invasion, Jake in Progress, Joey, Just Legal, Killer Instinct, Kitchen Confidential, Less Than Perfect, Living With Fran, Love Monkey, Malcolm In The Middle, Miracle Workers, Monday Night Football, Modern Men, Night Stalker, One On One, Out Of Practice, Pepper Dennis, Related, Reunion, Rodney, Sex, Love & Secrets, Sons & Daughters, South Beach, Stacked, Still Standing, Surface, Survival Of The Richest, Teachers, That '70s Show, Three Wishes, Threshold, Twins, The West Wing, What I Like About You, Will & Grace and Yes, Dear.

Friday, May 19, 2006

The weekend update: No longer trapped in the closet.

Cindy: For a long time I wrestled with my feelings... I couldn't really have these kind of emotions, surely? The emotional torture and the guilt was starting to wear me down. But finally on Monday morning I accepted it. There was no way I could deny it any longer, and I took the first steps toward making peace with my sexuality. Yes, I can finally admit it... I like Keeley Hazell.

Vanessa: VON Radio (Voice Of Nevis) for having my mum on their Mother's Day discussion show, and keeping me and Sharon (listening in online) waiting for two hours by putting on endless dedications read aloud by people whose elocution skills leave something to be desired. And with very few songs played. Made Invasion actually seem interesting, that did.

Cindy: Invasion being cancelled. Maybe now Shaun "I can't stay with a show for more than a year" Cassidy'll get the hint?

Vanessa: Surface being cancelled. So what's going to happen in that water-covered new world? Will our heroes be able to live with the genetically created sea monsters? And most importantly, what happened to Leighton Meester? More about the new shows next blogging.

The next one differs, depending on your views about the season finale of The O.C.

Cindy: Josh Schwartz and Mischa Barton.

Vanessa: Josh Schwartz and Mischa Barton.

Cindy: Me, for cracking and ordering Amazing Stories: Anthology One.

Vanessa: The Bastardly. Sarcastic bloggers and endless comments from readers whose brains saswitch on long after their mouths are par for the course with celebrity gossip blogs, but they gain points for running the world's biggest pictures. And lose them for sticking really unfunny captions in them. Not on them, in them. In big yellow letters. Jeez Louise, why can't they just put little tiny symbols on them like normal people?

Cindy: Erica Durance, Mariah Carey, Jessica Alba, Hayden Panettiere and Cindy Crawford.

Vanessa: This damn glitch. Keeping me from uploading 'em. Maybe next week?

Thursday, May 18, 2006

A home of my own not what I have yet. One piece of advice Sharon gave me was to take any weekly rate quoted, multiply it by 52 and divide by 12, thus giving me the deposit/monthly rate. And popping quite a few dreams, but also giving me more of a target. Nothing found yet, but some interesting ones.
One more payday to go in a fortnight, and then with enough at last I can start calling places, viewing places... and hoping Sharon will tape Veronica Mars, Lost, and so on while I'm without Sky. Especially when she finds out the CW paymasters chopped Eve, One On One and most of Sharon's other favourite shows. As opposed to mine...

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Cindy: Jen.

Today is the European Championship Finals between Arsenal and Barcelona in Paris. Annoying.
This early evening Jen chatted to me about BAPCO, baseball and steroids. Only a true friend can talk to me about sports and not make me want to switch off. If she can keep me enthralled by discussing Big Brother, I will serve as best man the day she and Rachel are legally married. I swear.

Jennifer Orangio: an amazing woman.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

I will never spell her name wrong again.

Plus she's playing a teenager on Heroes and really is a teenager (16). And with all due respect to Andrea Bowen over on Wisteria Lane, a fanciable teenager. And in the UK it's okay for me to say stuff like that. Then again, it's also okay in a lot of Australia, most of Europe, half of America and a lot of the rest of the world...

Janet Jackson 2.0.

Basic Instinct starts with Sharon Stone's body double (I assume it's her) shagging a rock star and then killing him. Christina Aguilera, as seen in GQ doing a Marilyn Monroe (only, of course, MM did not pose in a "Shag me up the back door, please" fashion), is very much one of those people your scribe would only do so in just such circumstances (see also Angelina Jolie and Janet Jackson, for instance); I don't care if she does favour black guys. Allegedly. Pictures? Picture links? Not on this blog.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

And now, a rare moment where I talk about sports.

Me: Maybe we could... get together sometime soon. :)
Jen: We'll see (I may be on for a few more minutes...KMB just made me scream in shock)
What did he do?
Told me that the Yankees added Scott Erickson to their active roster...gimme a sec, and I'll try to explain
Go on...
jenchaton (11:24:44 PM): Scott Erickson? Played for the [Orioles], was really good, got hurt, sucked, disappeared, came back with the Mets, had one great start, sucked, disappeared, went to the Dodgers, sucked, disappeared? THAT Scott Erickson? Bottom line: He was really, REALLY good...ten years ago. And has been nothing short of horrible since.
No wonder you're shocked. Does he approve?
KMB2476 (11:22:29 PM): HAHAHAHAHjenchaton (11:22:35 PM): ?KMB2476 (11:22:39 PM): Yankees just added Scott Erickson to the active roster
Ah. He doesn't. I'm always amazed with stuff like this. You on baseball, Mike with the Power Rangers... I always seem a bit in awe. I'll level with you... sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better if I did get into sports. Mass mentality, more comforting...
It gives me a chance to scream bloody murder four or five times a week
I do that all the time at work. ;-) I'm just glad you're not into football/soccer.
Especially with the World Cup coming up; they keep going on about 1966... that was the last time England won the World Cup. And they've NEVER shut up about it since. Of course, 1966 was a genuinely notable year... Batman started on TV, and Cindy Crawford was born.
But no, it's all "We beat Germany YEAH!!!"
Weren't there two then?
Two what? World Cups?
Oh yeah, that's right. I see. It was WEST Germany... my bad. I told you, I'm not a fan. They've even released the entire match on DVD and shown it in cinemas. How sad is that?
*no comment from the woman who covets a DVD set of the entire 2004 playoffs*
Can't respond to that...

She sees the light...

Jen: I need to take back something I previously said to you
Me: Go on.
Jen: I once called Uma Thurman the ultimate Butterface. Upon seeing Stacy Ferguson, I must recant
Me: Stacy Ferguson. Now there's a woman who does deserve that title. Especially when standing next to her sister.

Good heavens...

Saturday, May 13, 2006

One more Vanessa, please.

Andrew Collins in The Word says Cagney & Lacey were American TV's first female detectives. So what were Pepper Anderson, Christie Love, Eve Whitfield and Julie Barnes, transvestites?

Cindy/Vanessa time again.

Cindy: The news that Intrada is releasing an Amazing Stories soundtrack. I know this means about as much to a lot of you as baseball does to non-Americans, but for film music fans it's like Christmas in June; we're talking an all-star lineup of composers on this disappointing Spielberg show, and we're not just talking a rerecording of two scores, but a big-ass two-disc set with complete scores and more to come. I may just break my rule of not ordering anything while I'm between lodgings and spring for it.

Vanessa: The fact that I now have to buckle down and search for somewhere. Sharon won't put up with me forever, and I'm already going to miss my original target of the end of the month. Move it forward to the end of June... at the very latest.

Cindy: Heroes making the grade for the new season on NBC! Which means not only does Greg Grunberg get a series not linked to J.J. Abrams; not only does Adrian Pasdar return to weekly TV after excelling as Jim Profit; but when this series gets picked up by a British broadcaster, as it almost certainly will, I'll get to check out Hayden Panetierre every week. (Until it gets cancelled. And unless she gets recast like when Lori Rom bailed out of playing Phoebe Halliwell.)

Vanessa: Mission: Impossible III. I knew I shouldn't have gone to see it. Not least because I lost five pounds at the cinema. (Of course, Keri Russell's brain vaporising didn't help. Ditto the trailer for Miami Vice. It fits that the abbreviation for NBC Universal Television Studio is NUTS.)

Cindy: Jen and the Archivist making up. :)

Vanessa: People on The Superficial talking utter, utter shit about my Cindy. Dung beetles.

Cindy: Anezza. I know I mentioned her last week, but she's the first person at work who I've genuinely fancied since Karen. But with my luck, she'll probably turn out to like girls. Still...

Vanessa: Irena. Yes, I mentioned her as well, but anyone whose reaction to hearing Akon's "Lonely" is not "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY TURN THAT SHIT OFF!!!" deserves to be attacked regularly.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an album to seriously think about ordering.

Friday, May 05, 2006

The update of the weekend.

Cindy: The best kind of work day. One where we're allowed to leave early. And on a Friday too, after the adorable Anna won the first Employee of the Month contest. She deserved it too - friendly, knows her job, first in after me in the mornings... if only she was Anezza's identical twin she'd be perfect.

Vanessa: Irena. One of the longest-serving of my DMWorks colleagues has now officially completed her transformation into a Vanessa candidate. I don't know if it's age or what, but now that Esther's gone off to work in a Sainsbury's she's successfully taken over her position as the most annoying person at work - her habit of stating the bleeding obvious at every chance, her referring to people sitting in Esther's ex-chair as "Esther," her limited choice of music to play endlessly suggesting she's bent on trying out to be the Chilton school paper's music critic (the job Paris refused to give Rory and handed to another girl who, as Rory argued, "has two CDs"), the fact that she has awful taste... one of these days. I swear, one of these days...

Cindy: Rihanna conquering America. Never mind British artists not getting to #1 over there every other week like in the mid-1960s, when was the last time a Barbadian did it? Let alone a Barbadian female? Let alone a hot Barbadian female? Too bad about that duet with Sean Paul, but hey, congratulations... makes up for years of other overrated, obnoxious and/or boring Jamaican men getting all the glory.

Vanessa: Screwing up the recording and missing Lost on Tuesday night. This is why someone invented repeats. But I wanted to see it on Tuesday, dammit! And just to rub it in, The Book of Daniel did tape but Hayden Panetierre isn't in the pilot. Curses...

Cindy: Slowly but surely making headway on ye olde stories. Give me two more weeks and I can return to Cindy Inc. Now how about learning to write with pen and paper again?

Vanessa: Half Britain's TV critics and viewers getting pissy about Lost not bothering to wrap everything up. I can't believe people actually expected them to; and as Desperate Housewives is currently demonstrating, you should be careful what you wish for.

Cindy: The Damon Lindelof to La Crawford's J.J. Abrams hosting the MTV Movie Awards.

Vanessa: Nah, let's end it on a positive note this week...

Bonus Cindy: My dad turns 63 today, and he's taking an early retirement. If you're reading this, you earned it, Dad. (And, uh... about some of the links... would you believe they were here when I got here?)

Thursday, May 04, 2006

A time to be silent and a time to speak

...and a time to be tagged.

From Kira's Slave:

I AM: I said, to no one there... actually, I'm Victor. But sometimes no one hears at all. Not even the chair.
I WANT: To be able to adjust to things quicker.
I WISH: That I had taken my mum's advice and not gone to a different school from my sisters.
I HATE: Being late.
I MISS: Not being diabetic.
I FEAR: Dogs, rats, falling, self-injury...
I HEAR: Too much stuff I'd rather not.
I WONDER: If Jen would meet up with me if she ever came to London.
I REGRET: Far too many things to list here. But not writing to my parents more often, embarrassing myself at a fete years ago, lusting after Page 3 stunner Keeley Hazell and BBW escort/porn model Devin Taylor when I know I shouldn't and realising that I forgot to set the video for Summerland today will do for starters.
I AM NOT: Thin. Or going to the 2012 Olympics, whatever Tom thinks.
I DANCE: Better than Whitney Houston. Then again, paraplegics dance better than Whitney Houston.
I SING: When I'm by myself, and only when I'm by myself.
I CRY: When I can't cope. Or when I'm incredibly relieved. Or sad.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: Resistant to temptation.
I MAKE: Pasta and cheese.
I WRITE: When I can, a little at a time.
I CONFUSE: Myself, fairly often.
I NEED: Money and, like KS, inspiration.
I SHOULD: Be more self-confident.
I START: Quite early in the morning.
I FINISH: When I can't go on any longer.
I TAG: All the linked bloggers who haven't responded already.

Reason to hate boybands part several zillion

On May Day I went to see Ice Age: The Meltdown; not as good as the original, which I've seen a few times (including once on a plane dubbed in Portuguese, which is still better than watching Daddy Day Care in English), but okay enough... until the closing credits came up.
In recent times, Fox and DreamWorks have done some customizing of their animated movies for English-speaking non-US territories, with Fox doing a better job initially (Shark Tale was already excruciating enough without GMTV's super-irritating Fiona Phillips dubbing over the voice of Katie Couric, whereas Terry Wogan doing the villain's dad in Robots wasn't a misstep), but tack-on pop songs didn't work with Robots and worked even less here, with most of the score suite over the credits replaced by a song from Lee Ryan. Ex-member of Blue Lee Ryan. Talentless, brainless dickhead Lee Ryan. Song that doesn't even begin to fit in with the rest of the movie and which isn't on the CD Lee Ryan. I'm going to be sick.
No, I'll just list other painful cinema experiences.* That'll be better.

Five Other Experiences In Cinemas That Made Me Want To Shoot Somebody:

1. Thunderbirds. Pro: Seeing it for free at a preview screening. Con: Seeing that the print had most of the end credits removed, making it feel as if I was watching a movie on FTA television and capping an already excruciating morning at the movies.
2. Super Mario Bros. And any other movie based on a video game, but this was the first one I saw.
3. Mary Reilly. As part of the day I went to see four movies (Jumanji, this one, Strange Days and GoldenEye); the projection went wrong and it had to start all over again from the beginning. They shouldn't have bothered.
4. Billy Bathgate. Someone had taken the scissors to it and cut out all of Nicole Kidman's nude scenes, thus making an already boring movie even more boring.
5. Chicken Little. Two words: Squalling. Baby.

*If Jen is reading this, a cinema is a large building which projects movies on a screen somewhat larger than a TV set, with better sound.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

You wait for ages and you get two at once...

The Dubliners' recording of "Seven Drunken Nights" is a wonderful drinking song which, as taped by me years ago, only totals five. Having finally tracked down the complete lot online (though not on record), it would be remiss to pass up this opportunity for a blogging.

As I went home on Monday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a horse outside the door where my old horse should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that horse outside the door where my old horse should be?
Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool, still you can not see
That's a lovely sow that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But a saddle on a sow sure I never saw before

And as I went home on Tuesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a coat behind the door where my old coat should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that coat behind the door where my old coat should be
Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool, still you can not see
That's a woollen blanket that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But buttons in a blanket sure I never saw before

And as I went home on Wednesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a pipe up on the chair where my old pipe should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that pipe up on the chair where my old pipe should be
Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool, still you can not see
That's a lovely tin whistle that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But tobacco in a tin whistle sure I never saw before

And as I went home on Thursday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw two boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns them boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be
Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool, still you can not see
They're two lovely Geranium pots me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But laces in Geranium pots I never saw before

And as I went home on Friday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a head upon the bed where my old head should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that head upon the bed where my old head should be
Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool, still you can not see
That's a baby boy that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But a baby boy with his whiskers on sure I never saw before

The last two verses, one:
And as I went home on Saturday night as drunk as drunk could be

I saw two hands upon her breasts where my old hands should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns them hands upon your breasts where my old hands should be
Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool, still you can not see
That's a lovely night gown that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But fingers in a night gown sure I never saw before

As I went home on Sunday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a thing inside her thing where my old thing should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that thing inside your thing where my old thing should be
Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool, still you can not see
That's a lovely tin whistle that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But hair on a tin whistle sure I never saw before

Version 2, basically same as one until...:

As I came home on a Saturday night, as drunk as drunk could be
I spied two hands upon her breasts, where my old hands should be
I called to my wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me,
Who's hands are these upon your breasts, where my old hands should be?
Oh, you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool, still you cannot see
'Tis nothing but a Living Bra Jane Russell gave to me.
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more,
But fingernails on a Living Bra, I never saw before.

As I came home on Sunday night, a little after three
I saw a thing inside her thing where my old thing should be
I called my wife and I said to her: Would ya kindly tell to me,
Who owns that thing inside yer thing wehere my old thing should be?
Oh you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool, still you cannot see,
Twas nothing but a hammer that me mother sent to me.
Well, it's many a day I've travelled, a hundred miles or more,
But a hammer with a head like that I never saw before.

There's also one that involves Englishmen and their inability to go on for three hours, but I've confused myself already. (The song? I'm sure you can hear it somewhere...)