Saturday, February 26, 2005

The Boob Index

Get your mind out of the gutter - this is the anti-Babe Index. Instead of listing what Esquire would call "Women We Love," this is aimed at those ladies who, were this the climax of The Good Son, would be Macaulay Culkin rather than Elijah Wood. Enjoy the trip, scumqueens...

Fiona Phillips - The Katie Couric of GMTV (ITV's breakfast television service); not because she's cute (she isn't really) but because the brainless bint redubbed Katie's voice on the UK release of Shark Tale, thus ensuring her grating voice would help make an already bad movie even more unbearable.

Christina Aguilera - Miss Ugliera was also one of the many reasons said DreamWorks abomination was torture; her murder of "Car Wash" added to the already lengthy list of reasons (from the inexplicable excusing she gets for her vocal gymnastics [when Mariah Carey and the admittedly boring Alicia Keys get slated for same] to her general skankiness) why whacking her around the head with a golf club would give me endless pleasure. And for the record, since Chrissy-wissy is 5'2" and bony while I am 6' + and big with it, of course I can bloody hold you down!

Kelly Osbourne - Famously deemed the above "a transvestite" and "a cunt." While I certainly concur, the words "pot," "kettle" and "black" come unbidden to mind.

Janet Jackson - Despite possessing a wonderfully juicy behind, I have never liked the baby of the Jackson family; her records have been consistently not good, all her dance routines look the same, and that stunt she pulled at the Superbowl last year... (She has at least gotten a bit of what's coming to her with disappointing album sales. We're still waiting for Justin Timberlake's long-overdue comeuppance.)

Kate Moss - Fuck off.

Mandy Moore - In spite of her good work in A Walk To Remember, I've never warmed to her as much as Jessica Simpson.

To be continued...

Thursday, February 24, 2005

The Evening Standard, Abbey National, my sister's boyfriend and Jessica Biel.

The Evening Standard is ass.

And not in a good sense (think Vida Guerra, Gwen Stefani, Cindy Crawford and so on).

This rag is London's main (read: only) evening paper, first out in the late morning and later editions towards the night. It costs 40p every weekday. And every day I fling myself through its pages with a mounting sense of rage and frustration at its mixture of snootiness, utterly crap journalists, insanely trivial stories and more prize tits than a year's worth of Score magazine. If it weren't for Victor Lewis-Smith's TV reviews, I wouldn't even bother buying it.

My sister's boyfriend is ass.

Referred to here as Mr. F (not to be confused with Mr. Fantastic), he is a good cook but that in no way atones for his being a smug fucker who I always want to kill on seeing him; it doesn't help that you can always tell when he's talking crap... his lips move. (The old ones, etc.) How much does he annoy me? I got a letter from Abbey National telling me they're charging me a hundred pounds in overdrawing fees, and that irritates me a lot less.

Jessica Biel is ass.

But in a very, very good way... I saw the trailer for Stealth yesterday, and I'm so there when it comes out over here in August. I thought you deserved something happy to go out on.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

For those of you just joining us...

Kira's Slave isn't the first person to have asked for this, so here's the "episode guide" to Cindy Inc. with the women involved who actually have sex (Cindy Crawford's both the star and the only regular cast member, which is why she isn't mentioned below).

Pilot aka Recruitment (w/Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jessica Simpson)

The Model Mummy Club (w/Laetitia Casta, Elle Macpherson, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and Stephanie Seymour)

Wild On Brooke (w/Jules Asner and Brooke Burke)

Hard Help Is Good To Find

Done In 60 Seconds

The First Time (w/Halle Berry, Eliza Dushku, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and Kate Winslet)

The Britney Affair (w/Jessica Alba, Drew Barrymore, Sheryl Crow, Cat Deeley, Katie Holmes, Beyonce Knowles, Gwyneth Paltrow, Natalie Portman, Shakira and Britney Spears)

The Dollhouse (w/Christina Aguilera, Jessica Alba, Anastacia, Danni Ashe, Halle Berry, Kelly Brook, Brooke Burke, Naomi Campbell, Mariah Carey, Jennifer Garner, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Lopez, Madonna, Christina Milian, Kylie Minogue, Kelly Rowland, Anna Nicole Smith, Liv Tyler and Sofia Vergara)

You Know… For Kids! (w/Tina Barrett, Elisha Cuthbert, Amanda Holden, Nicole Kidman, Elle Macpherson, Jo O’Meara, Gwyneth Paltrow, Natalie Portman, Penny Smith, Hannah Spearitt, Rachel Stevens and Holly Valance)

French Kissing In The USA (w/Briana Banks, Laetitia Casta, Mya, Tera Patrick and Gwen Stefani)

A Night With Casablancas (w/Anna Friel)

Sister Act III (w/Patricia Arquette, Rosanna Arquette, Ashley Harkleroad, Nicky Hilton, Paris Hilton, Ashlee Simpson, Jessica Simpson, Liv Tyler, Mia Tyler, Serena Williams and Venus Williams)

Revealed To Jules Asner (w/Jules Asner)

The Twice And Future Cindy (w/Brooke Burke, Blu Cantrell, the blonde porno actress Cindy Crawford, Jennifer Lopez and Rachel Stevens)

Last Woman Standing (w/Sophie Anderton, Asia Argento, Emmanuelle Beart, Monica Bellucci, Lisa Dergan, Kirsty Gallacher, Melissa George, Angelina Jolie, Catherine Zeta Jones, Gabby Logan, Sophie Marceau, Leeann Tweeden and Holly Valance)

The End Of Season Blues (w/Jennifer Love Hewitt, Rhona Mitra, Alicia Silverstone and Jessica Simpson)

The Mommies Return (w/Christie Brinkley, Kathy Ireland and Elle Macpherson)

Check them all out at what Jen calls The Place Of Which We Shall Not Speak...

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Two lovers in conversation.

jencssa77: Happy birthday, Cindy... this makes her 64 now, right? ;) cindylover1969: She's 39, FYI. Laura Prepon should look so good at that age. ;) The conversation sorta dried up at that point. :)

Happy birthday, Cindy Crawford

Nothing else to say...

Friday, February 18, 2005

This week, I've been watching/listening to/looking at...


Point Pleasant. This might be getting a bit more interesting, but I doubt it; the nice thing about there being no new episodes of The Simpsons this Sunday is that E4 has one of its several repeats of this show and Edith Bowman fave The O.C. from 6. If Christina finds out that she's the Devil's Daughter by season's end where'll the show go, huh? Best thing about it is a tie between its theme music by none other than Danny Elfman and the very, very attractive Elisabeth Harnois - she looks like a slimmer Hilary Duff, except Hilary's a better actress. (This is one of those shows I don't like watching with Sharon; see also The O.C., Charmed, Gilmore Girls, and so on...)

Listening to...

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie - Graeme Revell scores tend to not be that interesting in or out of the movie, and this music for the first failed attempt of Kimberly and Co. to take their Americanization-of-Japanese-stuff act to the big screen is no exception. Bland and unexciting orchestral stylings, it's as anonymous as the actors (has anybody from the franchise other than Amy Jo Johnson ever been heard of again? Maybe Jen's friend Kira can set me straight). Since Revell's from New Zealand, it may have been of some pride to him that his regular orchestrator/conductor Tim Simonec conducted an Australian orchestra for this movie. :)

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle - Revell again (I'm listening to my albums in reverse alphabetical order on cassette, and forward on CD). Better than the above, if only because his main theme's based on a Gilbert & Sullivan song and because he rips off Goldsmith and Howard Shore's The Silence of the Lambs score...

The Lord of the Rings - The Leonard Rosenman stuff for the cartoon. Not as layered as Shore's epic work, but very listenable and with a more hummable main theme... though Rosenman's riffed on it several times since (check out Robocop 2).

Something to Believe In - An absolutely shitty movie made slightly less shitty by Lalo Schifrin, but the CD player at work refused to play track 2. Would that it could have thrown a techno-hissy about track 5 (a Simply Red song)...

Looking At...

Alexia Freire. Argentinian T-girl who also posts on one of my mailing lists.

Maggie Gyllenhaal. That reminds me, Criminal opens here this week.

Brooke Burke. Curse you, ntl (not for the first time, he said as a customer) - they don't carry E!...

Hilary Duff. Too bad Raise Your Voice might be bypassing UK cinemas - Hayden Panetierre's a babe, but she isn't legal under British law until the summer...


I set myself a challenge to complete the next Cindy Inc. in time for the great woman's 39th birthday this Sunday, and I succeeded! Yes, folks, I actually finished a story...

On to the next. (The one with Lindsay and Hilary - not an original teaming, but so what.)


One of my better weeks; the news about Mrs. Orangio-Prepon, two of my eBay items finally showed up (including my latest tape of The Wild Wild West - the original TV show, not the movie; think I'm stupid?), and I actually make some headway in my latest story. After weeks of not writing much of anything, I'm nearly finished. Now all I have to do is persuade Fox to cancel that waste of celluloid that is Point Pleasant and get Elisabeth Harnois in a better show (the girl can't act but she's too beautiful to not be on something...).

Oh yeah, and get some links up. :)

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

A ray of sunshine

In a world chock full of news that's either bad (murders up the ying-yang) or tiresome (plot developments on EastEnders is not news, people!) or both (pleasepleaseplease SHUTUPABOUTTHE FRICKINGOLYMPICS!), it's a delight to get news that actually makes me happy. Yesterday, I got such news.

On Monday, the wonderful Jennifer and her beloved Rachel got married by that marvellous invention, a liberal priest. Since this is Bush's America we're talking about it's not a legally binding marriage (not that it would be over here either, alas), but they're married in the eyes of right-thinking people. This is one wedding I'd have happily attended; my congratulations and love to the happy couple. There's hope for us all.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Upgrading and Cycling

I'm in a down mode now.

I don't think I'm a manic-depressive, but I hate being in this shift cycle of mine - it always seems to be a streak of bad feelings followed by good ones, then bad again, and so on... all I can do is wait for the mood to pass. What gets me through it is that I know it will pass; the law of averages, it's always darkest before the dawn and all that. The trouble is, you have to go through the bad stuff to get there. And the bad stuff lasts too long, but the good stuff is never long enough.

If I was a drug-taker (other than the stuff for my diabetes, of course) or a boozer, I'd probably have a way out. I can't even get around to any kind of writing... oh wait a minute...

* * * * * * * * * *


Not myself, my music.

Before I discovered CDs with the Searching for Bobby Fischer soundtrack, I was mainly a cassette person (vinyl was too bulky to have around my bedroom). I never really saw the need for upgrading the lot to CD unless there's extra music like Rambo: First Blood Part II... until I started listening to my tapes, going through them all backwards (I'm on John Scott now). And shit, some of them sound bad - not musically, sonically. Plus having to skip tracks - like the Se7en soundtrack, where I only listen to the Howard Shore tracks - is simplicity itself on a turntable or a CD player, but trial and error with cassettes.

I can see their point now. The only trouble is, not all of them are that easy to find on CD (and as for vinyl...).

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Was it the "no life" crack?

No wonder I haven't heard from Jen thus far... really, truly sorry.

But you do talk about football a lot though, don't you? I know that would make you the perfect woman for some guys - still, it beats makeover shows.

Again, Go Patriots! (I still haven't forgotten that quarrel with FD.)