Special Fantastic Four UK Premiere Snakes and Ladders

Snake: Getting to Leicester Square not quite early enough to beat the crowds. Ladder: Still getting there in time to get a good view. Snake: Getting wet when it decided to rain. Twice. And guess who didn't have an umbrella. Ladder: It didn't last all that long. Snake: Being asked to shout exultantly into the camera when it panned down my side of the crowd Ladder: Being asked to do so by a crew from E! (better them than crappy late-night ITV magazine Entertainment Now!). Snake: Deafening rap music being pumped out. Ladder: One of the raps was "Fight For Your Right (To Party)." Snake: Realising that I actually willingly chose to be in the same place as Piers Morgan. And Kelly Osbourne. And some non-entity from Big Brother. And two of the people from TRL. Ladder: And Sophie Anderton. Snake: The absence of one of the movie's main stars. Ladder: It was Julian McMahon. Snake: Risking hearing loss from girls screaming for Chris Evans. Ladder: Joining the guys screaming "JESSICA!!! JESSICA!!!" when she was across the way from us talking to the TV folks. (Unsurprisingly a lot of us were waiting for her.) Snake: Not actually getting to talk in any substantial way to her. Ultimate Ladder: Not only having my copy of Arena signed by She With The Most Unfuckingbelievably Strokable Skin I Have Ever Seen In My Life, but also sacrificing any remaining dignity by deciding "Screw it, I'm never going to get another chance, I blew it with Cindy Crawford and I won't do it here" - and giving her left arm a light touch. So light she probably didn't even notice... but a touch nonetheless. The ring finger on my right hand is now officially sacred.